Do people misunderstand your shutdown/meltdowns?

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Trying to recover from intense meltdown, my worst in years. My BF (usually amazingly understanding) got mad at me because I zoned out in conversation. I felt really bad about hurting his feelings but I could not make sense out of his words. I could hear that he was talking but his words made no sense. They were just sounds. So, I wrote an email to explain I was in overload and please not to be mad at me and take it personal, but he was still really mad. Maybe he had a good reason. I mean, conversation was completely broken down, shot to pieces. God knows what I missed, misinterpreted, whatever. But, he just kept having the expectation that I somehow understand him when vocal words weren't making sense at all. Finally, I don't know why, I just started screaming at the top of my lungs. No words, just freaking out, almost horror movie scream. He sounded like he didn't get that I just lost control because I was so overloaded and so he seemed to provoke me which of course increased the screaming. I wasn't angry or trying to scare him. The screaming was my brain collapsing. I was totally freaking out. I took a klonopin. I sat and held myself and rocked and cried. He didn't seem to fathom at all that it was possible to check out and not be able to check back in. Exhausting. Do other people misunderstand your shutdown/meltdowns? Seems he was saying something about how I shouldn't ask him to do this and that to help keep my stress level down when I was doing so many inappropriate things to keep his stress level up and not respecting what he was going through. I'm sure that's right. My perspective-taking isn't great and I get self-centered. It was just the wrong time for him to bring that up. I don't think he realized I wasn't trying to tell him he could or couldn't do this and that to control his behavior. It was because I couldn't take it.. Every nerve in my body was about to explode. I feel so alone in my experience sometimes. Do people not believe you when you tell them it is absolutely paramount that they give you space so you don' t completely overload and collapse? He seemed to keep thinking I was asking him for something I wouldn't give him, respect and space, and it irritated him. As if I could even process tit-for-tat or whatever that was about. How do you get through to an NT so they can really "get" this?

With a hammer? I am making a joke, but it is not funny. I just mean I don't know that they really can understand. But, I think they can get better at not taking it personally and learning skills that help the situation - just as partners learn how to administer first aid for various other conditions in the event of an emergency - like glucotabs for diabetics.

Is he open to literature that will help him understand that you can show him at a time you are both feeling good? Or has he looked at any already? Maybe he just feels rattled and needs time to recover himself.

You couldn't help what happened to yourself. Maybe an analogy to seizures or something to that effect will help you BF not take it personally. It sucks that you go through something you couldn't help and then have to deal with such repercussions. Kind of an insult to injury.

What if you gave him written instructions for meltdown "emergencies", so he has some concrete reminder of what he needs to do and what he can expect. I don't know. If a doctor ("authority") explained it to him? I always feel like my word doesn't count to my spouse, but coming from the doctor - oh, well then, exactly what I said has merit. Mind you, he can forget what the doctor said - sigh.

The best to you, LM

Thanks. I just made index cards, "danger" signs, red and yellow, for edge of meltdown and severe danger of meltdown. I will then be able to flash them and not even have to talk. I also emailed him tips to handle meltdowns. We talked it out. Since I couldn't hear what he was saying, I misread his message and tone completely. So, my perception of what was going on was really off. And yes, he was ticked. It's not easy to live with me. Yet, he felt bad and has been very loving and comforting and is going to be more sensitive to it now.