I don't understand anything...

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Sometimes, I can talk to people normally. I can look them in the eye, I can make "small talk", I can remember to reciprocate common greetings (I'm especially bad with replying to "how are you" with "fine, you?" and other variations on that).

At other times, I get really scared, I try not to look at them, I don't know what I to say, I mumble... the only thing I consistently do right is smile, I think. I smile at pretty much everything anyone says. Not sure why, but I've always done it, I think. I also tend to smile when I hear bad news, someone is yelling at me, and when other people are upset. I'm not happy they feel bad, I just automatically do it...

Anyway, the point is, I was diagnosed with AS like... idk, even. Last year? Not sure. I'm horrible with dates. Estimations of time, size, and distance have always tripped me up.

Sooo, AS. Not "autism", but AS. Apparently, AS is supposed to be a milder form of autism? Apparently, I'm "high-functioning", meaning... what? That I can talk normally? That I can take care of myself?

But the thing is, I haven't. Is it because I'm depressed? I'm not good at doing anything for myself, really. I've only recently started brushing my teeth, I'm really impulsive when it comes to eating, I can't do make up, I can't maintain any kind of exercise program, I stopped doing my homework in 5th grade, I barely do my schoolwork now, I'm late all the time, I never finish anything, I get burnt out really easily on everything I pursue, I have no friends except for my sister, I guess, I feel horribly, terribly disturbed and violated whenever anyone gets emotionally or physically close to me, I withdraw, I suck at reciprocity, I'm miserable, I hate myself and my life, I think I'm fat and ugly and stupid why is EVERYONE SO LOUD

I wish everyone would give up on me. I wish suicide wasn't stigmatized.

I don't care about anything anymore. I just wanna be alone. I want people to stop looking at me, paying attention to me, talking to me, complimenting me, "comforting" me, and touching me.

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...I'm sorry. I'm kind of annoying. :/

/stream of consciousness.

I can relate to what you said about smiling, and having "good" and bad days when it comes to socializing.

I do not think you are annoying.

I'm sorry that you're feeling upset, but I wont try to comfort you. since you're sick of it.

You can find a online-friend on this board if your interested. I'm open for a PM.

Eye contact can be practiced. Believe it or not, I used to feel that people were like Dracula and see my soul through my eyes. Then I started practicing eye contact, and now I pass for for NT (at least for that much). As for make-up, check the ladies posts here, and that is quite common, disliking how it feels to put make-up on their face. The rest is discipline, and practice. Do keep at it, living you life successfully is great revenge.

Do you get much time on your own? I deal with a lot of issues by finding a schedule to adhere to. Adjusting the schedule can take time and a lot of scheduled reminders. Having alone downtime is an absolute must. Do whatever you can do to just get away and recharge your batteries. We play the quiet game at home a.lot, just for a respite from chatty boys who want my attention. Getting out for walks is even better, or whatever you can do on your own for while..

Thanks for the comments, guys. The thing is, I pretty much know what I need to do to feel better. I just feel too tired to attempt it. I posted this for the satisfaction of telling someone about how I'm feeling without actually "telling" anybody, y'know?

@MjrMajorMajor: I've been working on getting my life more organized and systematic. I've only been doing a little at a time, and things are getting worse before they presumably get better, but I really do think structure is key to dealing with my stress (and dealing with my stress will free me up to deal with other things, like my depression). Anyway, thank you. C:

It may be small steps, but as long as they are in the right direction then it' s progress...