Disconected and Lonly

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Do you ever feel disconected?

I do.

Especially in public places or when studying.

I think someone said hello to me at college and I seemingly ignored them, but I didn't realise. It's happened before.

I'm extremely fatigued. My sister and her boyfreind are sometimes really loud in the room next to be. I can't be bothered telling them to shutup, because they don't always keep the noise down anyway, and if it's just the boyfreind he'll ignore me completely. Literally, just ignore me like I don't exist, then slam their door shut 5 mins later.

I've been hallucinating in the middle of the night. It used to happen all the time in highschool when I was severely bullied but it was much worse then.

But I think it happened at daytime. I swore I saw a spider that detected me and ran towards me to get behind a door frame. I went to get the flyspray, but when I looked around the door it wasn't there. Then I thought 'Wait a minute! Spiders aren't that smart!' Now, spiders are very, very smart, don't get me wrong but it would have had to have thought 'No wait, I'm not gonna run *away* because he's going to get the flyspray, instead of stomping me so I'll run *towards* him to scare him off and get behind that door frame were I can hide'.

Please don't say 'see a shrink' I'm just getting stirecrazy/tired/lonely and I'm sure it's not a problem, as sure as I am that I saw the flipping spider in the first place.

I'm not a troll, I'd just like to know that I exist, and this is as interesting as my day gets


I'v been here before but lost my email/password

and I self harm sometimes, it's been mabye 8 months though.

The spider probably was not a hallucination. Spiders are fast and also fit into tiny cracks in the wall and stuff, so it isn't at all strange that you couldn't find it once you came back with insect spray. As for running towards you: spider isn't that clever. It may not even have realized that you were there; you are so huge compared to it that it may not understand that you are a living being.
Why did you want to kill the spider anyway? I never deliberately kill spiders. I like them. They are funny with all their legs and also lots of eyes. Plus, they eat unhygienic bugs like flies and annoying ones like mosquitoes.

I don't understand what you mean by feeling disconnected? Disconnected from what? How does it feel?

Hallucinating at night doesn't need to be a proper hallucination - it could be a dream where you are not completely asleep.
I sometimes doze off while I am talking and then I start babbling about what I am dreaming. It's quite funny. I usually wake up after a few seconds and then I still know what I dreamt or said.

You seem young - you should talk to your parents if you are tired and sad and not feeling well.

I wouldn't normally kill one, it's out of character for me. They still scare me though.

The best way I can describe feeling disconected is being extremely introverted and oblivious to the word for a period of time. I think it's a bit of a coping mechanism. It's when I'm in that state of mind when people notice there's something different about me. I can't really shop for clothes for that reason. I shut off when I'm in that environment. It can be hard to break sometimes.

I'm just throwing a hissy fit I guess. I've got somekind of assumption that If I had freinds all my problems would magically disappear. I just feel so empty. That's why I self harmed, to feel *something*. You can do art or poetry to express yourself but it actually takes alot of skill and luck to get something that really conveys how you feel. Cutting doesn't take skill or luck but you can't excactly hang it on your wall.

The world doesn't give a #@$ if you express yourself though. Even if I hacked off my arm I'd still be stupid and ugly and freindless let alone girlfreindless. I don't even dream of having a girlfreind I'm that ugly. It makes me feel weird even suggesting it, but it had to be said.

I'm just a whiny little b---. Back to the real world on my own... I should just fing accept it but it's hard to swallow.

No one knows what you look like online & it doesn't have to be a factor then in communicating with others. I can relate to just wanting to be invisable sometimes, because its just easier then having to interact with people who if they notice you are different may be down on you in one way or another. But yeah, the withdrawl from both directions is going to lead to isolation.

This place is a bit different in that people will hardly ever get down on someone because of differences & poor social skills because that's a main common denominator here. There may be other similiar sites as well. As far as I understand this is the most active though.

People sometimes initially feel like they are being ignorred here, because they don't get a lot of replies to their posts. One of the contributing factors is another common denominator which is the tendency we have to be very self focused. Its not as bad as trying to have a conferrence call among a group of people physically unable to speak, because Autistics can improve their communicating skills, but it can be frustrating at first. People also open up more once they get more used to and familar with you and that takes time.

I think I'll just crawl back into my hole.

Thankyou for the reply Cinnamon and Toy_Soldier.

Yes

You should really talk to your parents if that is at all possible. I'd be horrified if my son felt the way you do and didn't tell me anything.
You're obviously depressed.

Try not to worry too much about the girlfriend. It's not as great as it seems. When I got my first boyfriend I was sorely disappointed with the whole thing.
Had no clue what to do with the lad, and he just wouldn't leave me alone to read.

I hope you feel better soon.

Sweet Pea hugs