Meh, it's not like I can keep everything about myself to myself forever.
Unfortunately, 2013 hasn't been so nice to me so far, which is not wanted at all because I'm hoping that I will make progress this year. But how can that happen when the first half of this month brings random low self-esteem, and other crap like that? Last week consisted of feeling crappy because it feels like society that lives inside my mind is being extra mean and judgemental? Then as soon as I start to feel better, something bad happens just a few minutes later?
What 2012 was to me was suffering from social anxiety, both in real life and on the internet, but despite a few minor depressive episodes and being a total neet, it was one of my happiest years yet.
But this year.... this year has me feeling unhappy because of this evil demon called society that lives inside my mind suddenly getting to.me a whole lot more than usual. If that continues, I'll be back to step one in learning not to care. Maybe it has something to do with being such a social failure over Christmas (stupid alcohol making me fall asleep and feel depressed instead of doing it's magic at the time).
That's not the worst part. The worst part is gender related issues. These issues about my gender identity have been always there, but now it feels like it's hitting my mind extra hard since last month. It sucks because it feels like a lot of things about myself I feel pretty happy about myself, except this. It's like there's a whole part of myself that I only ever keep to myself, except maybe at certain times on the internet. I feel like such an idiot though. Why? Because some people end up thinking I'm the opposite gender, yet I can't end up telling them that I'm not, and I just play along with it.
Even now, I can't even say here whether I'm male or female. I just end up letting some people think that I'm a boy, and others think I'm a girl. I remember making a thread here 11 months ago about wanting to be trans, but now I don't think that will happen for various reasons. Therefore, I eventually did end up not thinking about it so much, but it still feels like there's another person in my mind of the other gender that I need to express. C:
Now that it's 2013, these feelings just suddenly hit even more straight away (I know I mentioned earlier since last month, but then it hit even harder and start to feel depressing).
I just really don't know what to do anymore about this. Despite most likely not going to transition anymore, that other self is still definitely there. At least after years of confusion, I don't feel as confused anymore. Bigender seems to be most accurate, except it feels more lenient towards the opposite gender.than what I was born as.
I'm still unsure what to do though. Why can't I just get myself to say what gender I am on the internet? :/
It's only going to be disappointing when people think I'm this, but then later find out when I'm that. I don't want the same happening here, even though I love it when someone thinks I'm the gender I wish I was more.
So yeah, it's looks like a lose/lose situation. I heard about roleplaying or having a persona, which might be good enough, but I don't know how to integrate that. Sigh. If only there wasn't such thing as gender, and if only there wasn't a lot of unnecessary gender stereotypes.
I forgot to mention that I find it a lot easier to express my boy side when people think I'm a boy, and a lot easier to express my girl side when people think I'm a girl.
In short: 2013 so far feels a lot worse than it should be, which doesn't help with motivation and happiness, and it feels like that it will continue.
But more-so, it's about how I'm suppressing a side of myself because of gender issues.
Oh, and I've been finding it harder to be nice lately, im which I do really want to be nice, yet not a push-over.
That feels so much better having said all that- ok, I'll be quiet now.
