Just having a moan

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I'm depressed. I've been depressed before.
After the last time I made some resolutions:
* I'd never again get in touch with doctors, therapists or any bit of mental health care about a depression.
* I would not try to talk to anyone about it. I know that 'talk about it' is advice that is generally given, but in my experience it always backfires. Every time I tried it people would walk away, ignore me or get angry with me. And that only made me feel worse. It's understandable of course; I wouldn't want to listen to myself moaning all the time either.

So, I just wait and hope it passes soon.

But it's been a few weeks not and it's only getting worse, and at the moment it's getting hard to keep it in, so I moan on this relatively anonymous forum. Nobody here knows who I really am so it doesn't matter. And if they walk away or ignore me I won't notice.

I wish I could find a way to painlessly end my life which would look like a natural death. There are some, but they require substances that I have no access to. And I don't really think I want to die. I just want the difficult things to go away. They are all I can think about.
I know that I have to get a lot of paperwork sorted, but I don't even know where or how to start so I will probably end up paying fines that I can't really afford.
And we are busy getting things organized to move house. That takes up loads of time; we have t clean, do DIY, look out for possible new houses and a whole lot of other s**t. I don't even want to move. I like it here.

I can't get a job because again I am too stupid to get the paperwork sorted to even get in a proper application. So I am not earning any money and I just spend my time sitting around being useless.

I usually like to write stories, but I don't feel like doing that anymore. It's pointless; I'll never get anything published.
And I'm cold and I'm fed up with convincing my partner to let me turn the heating up.

I hope I die in my sleep tonight.

Moan over for now.

Could you just write stories for the enjoyment of it?

Been there myself. More than once. I understand the idea of not wanting to die, just wanting some peace. I have had better luck with therapists, though I have had to go through quite a few to find the right fit, and medication helped me through the dark valleys.

I can offer you a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

Bliss

I'm not enjoying anything at the moment.
And I am not useful, I am only a burden, so I shouldn't do things just for my enjoyment.

I don't like therapists. I've been sent to see therapists several times in the past but I didn't even know what to do once I was there. And all the therapists behaved weird. I had medication before. I'm not sure if it helped. Once I did get better, but only after about four months, so I probably would've gotten better anyway. The other time I stopped taking the medicine because it made me see double and it made my mouth feel weird. The times I did not take medicine I also got better after a few months or a couple of years or anything in between.

Maybe I am having a midlife crisis. I'm 43 now and I'm still a failure, so it's not likely to change anymore. I don't know what to do - I'm a burden.
I don't really want to try to improve anymore either, because it hasn't worked so far. what is the point in trying to get another job and failing, or getting it and then failing even worse because I don't do the right things?

I'm doing courses but I can't understand how to write essays. Even if I pass the course, then what am I going to do with the stuff I have learned? Nothing.

And there is the thing with friends. I went to writer's meetings and met some people who seemed to like me. With two of them I had more contact - I even went to their house and they came to mine. I thought that I finally had started to make friends, after living in this town for six years, but now I don't really have contact with them anymore. I don't know why, or what went wrong. I don't know if I should contact them. And to be honest - I don't know if I want to. It was fine as long as we talked about writing and even about our children, but the last times they were talking about other things and that bored me. Which isn't very nice of me, so I suppose that is why the friendships didn't really work out.

So I'm thinking maybe I should also give up on trying to make friends.

But then I have no job, no income, no course, no friends, no writing. But there is always more paperwork for me to mess up, so I can spend my last money on fines, and become an even bigger burden on my partner. I should give up on him too; that way he would have more money and probably more fun. But then what would happen to my child?

By what definition? Not useful to whom? What, within your abilities, would make you useful?


Again, to whom? By what definition? Why do you feel that way?


Personal opinion, this is just nonsense. I have an adult daughter who is bipolar. She cannot work, does not help around the house with any regularity. Is she useful? Is she a burden? When she does things she enjoys she lifts the spirits of everyone around her. Just being able to enjoy herself makes her a joy to be around. EVERYONE should do things for their own enjoyment, if only to pick up the spirits of those they come into contact with.

I'd be useful if I would at least earn enough money to buy more than a few loaves of bread, and if I could manage my administration like an adult. Or if I could help others.
I'm a burden to my partner. He doesn't say that but he earns all the money, he does most of the shopping, and he does other things in the house too. Before I was with him, I was a burden to my mother, because she had to come over twice a week to help me sort my housework. I was over thirty then.

I should really be doing that paperwork, instead of sitting here and typing. But I don't know when to start, some of the things I really don't know what to do, and I need to make phonecalls too, which I am very apprehensive about.

You have a point with doing things that you enjoy - I am probably a major pest to be around at the moment. I don't think I can enjoy anything right now though.
Doing things that I enjoy means that I am locked away in my room on my own, so there'd be no one around to have their spirits lifted.

Sorry about your daughter. I know a few people with bipolar, and it seems to be a devastating illness.

For the record, I have not been diagnosed with anything. I had therapy in the past, but only for depression - i didn't fit any other diagnosis.
I have only recently has a screening for Asperger's and I'm waiting to be assessed but to be honest I doubt that I have it. Apparently I don't have a personality disorder either. I just have moaning disorder...

That's it! You have Moanbergers!

Dis ist a very complipoopted disorder ya.

But seriously, what stands out is wanting to feel 'useful' by contributing to the family better financially and with chores. You seem solidly stuck in a rut however and your expectations of what you might accomplish are low and unexciting to you and unmotivating. So is the problem getting started or simply not thinking the trip worth it ? If its the later, perhaps you could think of something that would make it worth it. A writer usually has a fair imagination.

Moanbergers indeed.

I'm finding it hard to come up with something I can do. Working with others has always gone wrong, but working on my own means I have to do all the admin which I always mess up for some reason. There seem to be very few professions left. I've tried many things in the past and failed. Sure I can come up with ideas but I am reluctant to try again and fail again.

At home it used to be okay because I could do lots of physical work like cleaning and gardening and carrying stuff without feeling tired. But I now have a stupid stress injury that takes ages to heal. I ignored it at first, but it only got worse and now I can't do the heavy physical stuff anymore so I don't know how to make myself useful.

On the bright side, I had a bit of a fever in the night so I may just have a cold or a flu that makes me feel down so I might cheer up once that is over...

Sweet Pea hugs