My acquaintance, a Nice Guy™ *TW Rape

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A guy who hung around for years with my friends, barely speaking to me. He didn't know until years later that I asked a few of my friends to give him a chance because he was so isolated at school and he sometimes was the victim of bullying. I thought YEAH he's kind of weird but aren't we all? Right, so then a few years ago I got some anonymous gifts and oddly threatening letters and had no idea until I was recently told by friends that he was behind that. I didn't know until recently that he really was thinking if he was "nice" to me and spent enough time being my pseudo friend that he was going to land a place in my bed.

And at a social gathering at my house, I left my friend/roommate to sort of wrap things up and I woke up to this creep(beating up girls while they are sleeping is definitely creepy) sort of... man I don't even know what he was doing, but it was weird, he was ON TOP OF ME grabbing me and s**t so I started screaming my head off and kicking, and he started punching me in the face. A handful of my friends who came in and figured out what was going on or had just gone on, dragged him outside and beat him pretty badly. The cops showed up, and dissuaded everyone from pressing charges on anyone else. As a homeowner, I guess he couldn've sued me for them jacking up his face or whatever.

So shortly thereafter, my roommate was out and friends weren't visiting anymore, I was alone at my house pretty consistently, no visitors or anything. Just me and Mia. And one night I finally came home after dark without a huge cloud of paranoia following me. I locked everything up and as I was going to sleep, I realized I needed to make sure and let Mia out one last time in case she had to pee or something. But when I came back in, I either didn't lock the door(unlikely) or it didn't shut properly. The door used to give me trouble when I tried to shut it properly, so I think it was that.

But that's my BACK DOOR on my house, my fence is pretty high and it's locked up at every point of entry.

So my acquaintance, NG, got over the fence and came in through the back door(judging, afterward, by the mud tracked in and the door being wide open[but locked]) and he came through my house and into my bedroom and again got on top of me while I was sleeping. This time I was alone. This time I went batshit crazy ninja lady on him. I had such a rush of rage go through me that I actually caused severe corneal abrasions in BOTH of his eyes and I broke his nose. I did a lot of damage, but he did more, I'm physically much weaker than him, so that's not a strange thing. I don't think it's necessary to list all the things that happened before my body just gave out. Bad s**t happened. Somehow I was more angry he kicked my dog than angry about everything else he did, and before he left he kicked me several times in the abdomen etc. I don't know. There's a lot of legal crap that has to be worked through and I've been told repeatedly not to expect this to be over anytime soon. And he's still allowed to harass me. I occasionally have to see him in public and he can walk right up to me and just say whatever. I don't feel safe going anywhere along.

And then I see all of these people, even on WP saying "being afraid of rape is paranoia, you're more likely to be raped by someone you know" THAT'S WHY I AM PARANOID. I THOUGHT THIS GUY WAS PROBABLY A GOOD GUY. THEN HE WENT OFF ALL INSANE and the police decided to try and intimidate me out of pressing charges in the first situation where he attacked me. That's not uncommon. That's not an isolated thing. That s**t happens to girls even in cases of rape. When I went to the hospital and eventually pressed charges later that morning(I don't know, I think I was in shock, I just sat on the floor and tried to coax my dog out from under the bed) I was asked several times, despite multiple bone fractures, abrasions, injuries obviously the result of being assaulted, if MAYBE IT WAS CONSENSUAL AND I JUST CHANGED MY MIND OR REGRETTED IT AFTERWARD.


If I regretted it, like any person feeling shame, I WOULD NOT BE DRAWING ATTENTION TO IT AS A CRIME REQUIRING AN INVESTIGATION.

And you know what I'm supposed to be prepared for? My whole life being put on trial in a case where I am not the defendant. It's going to be everything they can find. They've got to make the case that it wasn't non-consensual. And since the case is so goddamn obvious, it's going to be all about tearing me down and I'm not even supposed to talk to friends about any of this, I'm supposed to limit opening up to therapy which is confidential. But literally every therapist I've been to has made some suggestion of me needing to feel personally responsible for this because of the people I hang out with or a lack of religion or a lack of proper morals in regard to my sex life. THAT'S ALL A BUNCH OF RAPE CULTURE BS. Thank you Christian counselor after Christian counselor, for suggesting I accept Christ into my heart or whatever but I can't talk to insane people about this anymore.

Given, those are all counselors paid by the state, or county or whatever, but I'm out of resources and I don't want to drop a couple of C-notes on more therapy just to be told I need to see how being a f*****g slut makes this my fault. It's just the goddamn culture in this area. I haven't faced this with my amazing doctor four hours away but even he said he wouldn't recommend any counselors or therapists etc. in this area. I feel backed into a corner and the worst part is being repeatedly asked if I want to drop the charges because of the pressure building up. If it meant I had to give a kidney, I would NOT drop the charges. I WILL f*****g NOT drop the charges and let this f*****g psychopath walk away like he did nothing. If I do that, what the f**k does that say to every female I know whose been through this? Let's just keep giving up. Let's keep quiet. What would it mean to me? That I don't value my body or feel I have every right to make decisions for myself. It means WAY TOO MUCH for me to give up on this. And next week I'm enrolling in classes and I'll have school on my plate. I already have to make up for what I missed last semester.

And this is getting in the way of my relationships. The only person I let in my house anymore is my girlfriend, or friends who have kids with them. And a few REALLY CLOSE friends that are male aren't a problem but beyond that I don't trust anyone. I don't think I'm going to be attacked again. I just know people say stupid things about rape, being totally ignorant and clueless, having no ability to try to see anything from any perspective other than their own,(we all do that sometimes) and I don't want to wreck any friendships or be hostile with anyone I care about. I can't even f*****g live my life and I don't know when the HEALING starts.

When can I do it and what can I do to start functioning normally within friendships again? I don't show anyone any anger normally, it's not like that's a problem. I just can't open up at all for fear of what might be said. I don't want to write people off and avoid them because they're ignorant of reality outside of their own.

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I'm not sure if I am the best with advice considering I have never been in that situation myself. But the bottom line is based on the details of the situation you were in is that you did nothing wrong. You cried for help the first time and it got the guy out of your house and from the sound of things, a beatdown he probably deserved for even thinking of doing such a thing to you. This situation rightfully had you scared of him, but you needed your friends for support and they appeared to abandon you. Now while you were letting (guessing a dog) Mia out, the guy managed to get into your house. You rightfully defended yourself despite the consequences.

Don't let people treat you like you deserved it. The truth is you don't deserve this and noone else does either. Your doctor is the best support you got. Any friends you have should support you and let them support you if they offer and you care from them. Hopefully you can tell people close to you how you feel. Hopefully opening up how you feel to your friends will help with the anxiety you feel.

I am so sorry, and angry, that this guy did that to you, and for all of the crappy ways people have responded. All the victim blaming that went on afterwards should be unbelievable, but I know those attitudes are pervasive . This was absolutely not your fault and it is unreasonable (understatement) that anyone should try to make you feel that it was. Thank you for your courage in not being silent. I haven't been in a situation as violent/severe but even in what I have experienced I've never felt strong enough to report the incidents. I don't know what else to say... .

It's time you learn to defend yourself. A good handgun and training how to use it might be a really great idea.

It is most definitely not your fault! Would it be their fault if some random drunk 12-year-old out on a joyride in Daddy's car mowed them down while they were walking on the footpath?

My Uncle did some gross things to me one day when I was a child. Was that my fault that he couldn't keep his hands to himself? NO.

Stand tall and proud because you are innocent and you didn't give in to him, you fought back.

I don't have any advice to give but I'm glad you feel you can open up about this here (after things that have happened here), and I'm glad about the supportive responses so far.

I think that some of this victim blaming is more about practicality. I'm not saying that it's right, but at least for right now that is what it is until society as a whole can agree to change it. I believe that any and all violence is wrong and that there is absolutely no excuse for it, but so long as there are others who don't care about what other people think, there will need to be preventative measures taken. Of course there are major differences between violence and rape and it is still wrong that victims should be told they have to actively prevent rape at all. I don't think harsher punishments are going to make any difference to the truly deranged; something more must be done with how children are brought up and raised to avoid this problem altogether. Personally I think that abolishing gender roles and sexism would at least get rid of some of this mentality that it's somehow ok to rape another human being.

In any case I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through this.

You said the guy still walks around. Why is he not locked up? Violence like that should be reason enough to send him to jail before trial.