Im scared

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My gf of 8 years wants to leave me. We have a 3 yr old baby. They both mean the world to me, and just before Christmas i packed them off to go see her side of the family, who live 500 miles away. I didnt go because i cant handle the social scene, and i always thought her family hated me.
Now im sitting here, feeling more miserable and lonely than i can imagine, feeling like ive lost it all. I didnt think we had any problems. We had a major blowout last year, and she told me she was unhappy. Alot has changed in that year, but i didnt realise i was on borrowed time. I didnt realise this was my last chance, and that she was basically not intending to come home.
Id do anything for another chance, but it really feels like im wasting my breath.
I cant see a life without her. She is everything to me. I really could see us growing old together and enjoying family times and such.
She has said things like she doesnt think i can change, and i really tried last year to find out what she wants but i didnt get enough feedback to know what she wanted me to change.
I really feel that she has reached the stage where the sparkle of the relationship has worn off, but now the cold harsh reality that now you have to look after kids, sort out school, and settle into routines is really hitting her hard. We have no social life here at all, my family are distant, her's are distant, we've settled into a boring routine. Ill admit its not what i want for her, but ive just settled back to see what she wanted, and shes never said.
So anyway - a few days ago i was going to do something awfull, i ran a bath and sat there for a long time - and now i keep feeling like without her, i have nothing.
Im really worried that if she doesnt come back, or she wants to leave, that ill do something terrible. Ive been looking at extension cables, wondering if i can make one reach the bathtub - it will be so much quicker.
I want her back so badly.

Dont have such thoughts

The BEST thing you can do now is retain your strength. She will think you are not masculine (and thus less attractive) if she knows she has total control.

You have a child. Thats great. If nothing else she has given you that.

I think you need to start a social life from scratch. NT women need that.

Change the boring routine. Stay strong. Dont collapse.

Those three things are your best shot here.

Well, obviously she's got some issues too, and she thinks the best way to deal with it is to run away and look for something easier.

You've got some options. You can tell her that if she'll give it one more chance, you can go to therapy together and learn how to communicate so you both get needs met. Then, it's up to her. You can let her go, and make sure you aggressively defend your right to see your kid. You can tell her you'll do whatever she wants if it will keep her there-- and follow through, be an accessory to her life for life.

I'd recommend one of the first two options.

My mother pulled the same stunt. I don't blame her, exactly-- she was very insecure, and Daddy didn't have the personality type to prop her up. I don't blame her, but I do think she made a mistake. She realized that later and tried to come back, but he was just too heartbroken to take that chance again.

He had a pretty good life. Moved next door to his sister, saw me every weekend, took in stray dogs. Twenty years later, married the right woman. Died way too damn soon, but died a fairly happy man.

Whatever you do, don't check out. That's not setting a very good example for the kid.

In retrospect, I think the only thing you might have done was tried harder to get that feedback. I don't know the whole situation, perhaps you did.

It didn't work out. That happens millions of times. Not exactly a good reason to end your life and kill any chance of having another relationship. At your age you could have quite a few more. And thats your child too. Don't you want to do whats right for them as they grow up?

The terrible bit is, that if you look at the various stages of relationships, we are in the bit right now, where your partners flaws start to become more apparent, and where you need to work at the relationship to keep it going. I really do feel like shes hiding in a nice easy place to live, rather than coming back and working on it.
Why cant she see that if she will just come back and we can give it a really good go, to try and sort out the quite obvious SMALL things that are so large in her mind, that we can work it out?
She had a previous engagement, years ago, and she left that relationship by cheating on her fiance - she grew bored because he turned out to be something that he wasnt. She said she felt he changed. Wasnt that history enough that she made a mistake? She said she felt terrible the minute she had cheated, and told her fiance immediatly. They split up and she said she regretted it for years.
Why cant she see she is making the same mistake again?

Maybe you could talk on the telephone, if you don't mind that sort of thing? She might be willing to try again after having a break at her relatives? You have a right to feel really bad, but please stick around; strength and calm thinking will return if you give it a patient try. I've been in a similar situation.
That little baby will need you someday, sooner than you think.

Give it some time, I think she'll start to come to her senses after a while. Especially after a r/ship of 8 years. I really hope she and the child will return to you but don't rush things or give up; we are usually prone to become very emotional after something like this and not think it through. Phone, email, send private msgs on facebook or whatever, to keep the communication going.

I'm in a situation where my lover of 15 years lives in a distant city due to economic factors and we communicate by phone only. It makes me very lonely sometimes but I manage to cope most of the time.

I've been through a deep time of depression some years ago but came through. Since my diagnosis things have gone better as I coulld begin to understand things. Since joining this website its been my wish to help others as much as possible.

Be there because when she gets hurt by someone, or your child needs something, she will realise how sincerely you care. She will also be experiencing a void even if she doesn't show it.

Maybe there's a mutual friend you trust implicitly who can mediate if need be? Because honest and upfront communication, to get to the root cause, and work on the solution/s, is what is needed.

Well its been a week or so now, and shes not coming back.
I had been trying to keep the communcation going, through txt and phone calls, but now there simply seems to be no point.
She still thinks i cannot change, and she blames me for not appreciating her. I can see it, and i can change it, but she isnt going to give me the chance.
I still think she is being stupid, and taking the easy way out. I still say she has given up trying, and that her family arent helping - they all give things up that are too hard or require some work. Her mothers relationship history is the same - stay with a guy for a short while, then when the problems start to happen or he does something out of the ordinary - leave him for someone else.
I dont blame her for the way she is thinking - its natural instinct for her because she has no-one to turn to who will talk sense to her.
But i do think she is going to regret this decision for a long long time.
I cant talk to her anymore though - it hurts too much now. What is the point of her ringing if she is just going to sit on the phone silent while i witter like an idiot? Im not a security blanket.

Some relationships aren't worth saving, especially if you get that bad feeling that bad history is going to repeat itself again. And you'll also have to realize that some relationships can make your life worse as oppose to better if these cycles continue on.

The best suggestion as this time is to let her know that you want to remain involved in your child's life. Don't let her cut the child off from you.

Some people spend years looking for the right partner, and go through many before settling with someone. They accept their flaws, and work through them because basically they are tired to searching. Once they work through the problems, they realise that person is the one for them after all.
Why go through all those wasted years, looking for someone who can be a good friend, but a passionate lover too?
We have all those things right now, and basically, because of her past, and her history of what men are like to her, she is pushing away from it all, by worrying about being rejected, and being abandoned, because her mother abandoned her, and her stepdads and real dad abandoned her.
We are the best of friends, but we are still passionate in bed, we are still intimate, we were cuddling and holding hands in bed 3 days before she went away. We are great parents, we have similair (but not completely indentical) interests - we are compatible on so many levels.
Both of us have some growing up to do, ill admit.
At the moment, the best i can do is wait to see whats going to happen this weekend, and then i have two choices.

If she agrees to another go, im moving to her hometown, and we will start again there. She will be near her family, so she will have support, we will have babysitters for me and her time, and we will be able to make a fresh start in a familiar place to her, but a new place to me so it will feel more real for us both.

If she decides that she needs a break, (i hope this wont be permanent) - then im moving there anyway, to be close to my daughter. I will be getting a single bed place, and will do my best to get work and make a new life up there. As its a new town, i hope to be able to busy myself with work and new friends and time with my baby girl.

If she leaves me, down here i have nothing. I wont even get to see my baby. My family are next to useless. I have no friends here. It will be easier to live somewhere else, and i will ahve to do so anyway as i cant afford this place.

Sweet Pea hugs