I hate my life. I want to kill myself.

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I'm 18 years old and I'm a pathetic existence of a human. I hate my life and I've been depressed since I was a mere 9 year old.

See, the problem is that I am an Asperger, and most of my life, I have lived in a highly negative environment, where I have got no friends, no teachers to support me.

First and foremeost, I really ******* hate school. Every teacher has some sort of a chip on their shoulder about me, and always act to get out at me. They always have a lame reason to go against me, tell me that I am not a fit student and I will fail at anything, when I don't

See, the problem is that I am usually ignored or insulted in usually many ways by a lot of the people around my school. While they are usually nice to each other, they are usually just mean to me. I have done nothing that wrong that I deserve such treatment, though as being an Asperger, I admit that I tend to react in many different ways that others don't often find as normal, though I have been gradually growing and learning along the way. In my school, people often spread rumors about me, insult me. I don't know simply what to do, as every technique for social situations doesn't seem to work, and I ultimately have got nothing else.

Ever since I reached my Junior year in High School, my dad has been having a bit of a chip on his shoulder about me. Since I don't live in US, but in Thailand as an Indian expatriate, one major thing we have disagreed upon is university.
Now my dad wants that I stay here for undergraduate studies (giving no exact clear reason), but when I said I don't want to, he reacted by taking this as a rather huge insult. Now I asked him what is the great big deal if I don't want to study here and he reacted saying to me that "Oh, I am a conservative person. And staying in a country where your parents are are an asian thing, and you better follow it. If you don't do it here, that means you don't love me anymore." I think my dad is not as stable as he seems as he's been doing a lot of bad things which he feels he's doing the good thing. When I refused to study in Thailand, he phoned and told all of his business associates, my school teachers and his family members, and I wish I had a f***ing gun and f***ing jammed it in his f***ing mouth and shot him. Everytime I intend to pursue a career, he gives me a 100 reasons why I shouldn't do it. Why? Because he only wants what he wants. He's a man who only wants his way, and I wonder if he's this much of a c**t when it comes to disputes/opinion differences such as these.

I tried my hardest these past few months, because I wanted to attempt to find happiness so that my parents would be happy. But I'm exhausted. I see no light. I'm an idiot and this pain is overwhelming me. I don't feel that living is really worth it anymore.

I felt that way most of my life. My mom treated me like I was some kind of freak. She was head cheerleader and prom queen, and she couldn't quite understand this weird girl who spoke in movie lines and would rather read than talk. Between her telling me how useless I was both with words and physically and teachers treating me like I was ret*d or something even though I was smarter than they could ever think about being, I wanted to die most of my life. I was 20 years old before I finally found someone who could help me and I packed what I had to have and left in the middle of the night.

That was 10 years ago, and today I am pretty much ok. I am married, I have the career my mom forbid me from and I love it. I have a good life, a great husband, and a wonderful son. I wouldn't have believed anyone who said "things will get better" but they really did for me. It just took careful planning and the willingness to do whats best for myself and my future. I can occasionally talk to my mother now, but that took years. Just remember, it's your future and don't let anyone else's stupidity make you throw that away.

Your dad sucks. Parental bullying is so harmful.

He is an egotist.

You need a role model not a critic/bully

Stay strong. No need to think of suicide.

You just need to have good boundaries with demanding parents

You don't deserve that treatment at school. But it is nearly over. It would be a real shame if took your life so close to that finish line.

The parent thing is more difficult, especially when you are keen to make them happy but doing that means going against what would make you happy. Frankly if it's making you this miserable to try to do what your parents want, I'd go and do what you want. Eventually they will get used to it, and perhaps seeing you do something you enjoy doing will bring them round to it too.

I agree with the responses so far, the "problem" doesn't seem to be YOU, it seems to be everyone else's little problems that they are pinning onto you.

But I won't hold back, I DO think you are doing something wrong, and that is... You're letting other people matter TOO much. I don't know if it comes from low self-esteem because from your post you seem pretty strong, but I hope you can give yourself a little break and begin to see that, Yeah, sure, people are doing these things to you because they're using you to satisfy their own random needs, but that really doesn't mean you have to give them the brain-space you have been.

One of my favorite sayings is:

"What YOU think of ME is none of my business."

My story is the same as EMTKid. I attempted suicide twice and got bollocked for it although admittedly they were cries for help. There was no sympathy, no-one willing to lend an ear and in the end I thought, why should I throw my life away just because of ignorant and selfish people. Would that teach them anything? The one thing I really wanted was a husband and children and a normal happy family life, one I hadn't had so i thought I'll put up with school (which was awful but not as bad as your experience) and put up with my abusive family until I was old enough to get the hell out. I left school and home at 16 and have never regretted it....ever.

There comes a point where you can only take so much and it sounds like you're at that point. You're 18 and you are free to make your own decisions however I do understand it must be hard to feel such a strong obligation to your family, in staying where you are but your health.. and your life are more important.

My mum was a bully and I couldn't get on with her for years, even after I'd moved out and I've come to the conclusion that if bullies can't be persuaded to change their behaviour towards you, you just have to keep your distance or else they suck the life out of you and they win.

Do what you need to do to get a university education and then become your own person, independant from your father or anyone else who trys to run your life. You sound capable of making it on your own, so don't give up now when you are just approaching the point of being on your own. School is an artifical environment and known as the worst phase of peer groups and bullying. It will improve after school. Sorry you get the short end of the stick just for having a medical condition, Aspergers. Doing yourself in will only seem to prove the jerks right, when in fact it was they who drove you to it. Don't give them the satisfaction, but instead prove them wrong and make it. Wishing you luck.