Trying to handle depression... and self inflicting actions

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I have had recent issues at my house with my dad and his girlfriend. There is a big vent I would have to go through and it relates to my parenting post I made a long time ago. I have felt so depressed as of late. Only one friend knows of my recent personal activities on handling it thus far. In basic ideas, I have had this constant run in with my dad and chore work. I had one or two more things to do but needed to head out and study sense I can't study well at home. However, my dad's girlfriend blocked my way and told I couldn't leave till it was done right. Mind you I am 24 years old and the chore was the counters, I just didn't get the back of the counter tops where there was stuff to move. I wasn't going to have it with her and told her I needed to leave to study. She physically blocked my way out of the house.... basketball style. I was not permitted to leave house unless I did what she told me. Of course this was stuff dad wanted done but I had already told dad I was leaving.. and he had no problem. I had a yelling fit with her and she moved my stuff out of the way so I couldn't take it with me. Last I checked, this is not only not ok but illegal. In term of law, no one can prevent you from leaving your place of residents. I pay dad 250 dollars a month in rent, but this is totally ok.

The anxiety comes from this but also the following. She started to take steps closer to me. I stepped back and told her to give me space. She didn't. I told her to stop and she wouldn't. I was in mass amounts of tears already and she wouldn't stop. I was shaking and screaming for her to stop but she kept her straight face and kept walking towards me. Dad stepped in to stop it and I felt a bit relieved for a very short period of time... almost a nanosecond. I still see her blank face getting closer in my head and I get a very strong energy of anxiety. The thought that I am not allowed to leave my home because of a couple of chores that were very minor like this scares me. The thought that I am trapped here because it has to be done by a certain time puts me in pain all over. The one thing that forever changed the way I feel about my dad was what he said afterwards. Right after he split it up, he looked at me angry and told me two very simple but life breaking words...

Shut up.

I couldn't believe that my dad told me that. He told me to shut up when I was having my first ever melt down. This was less then a month ago. They act like it never happened. It still rings in my head. I want to hate my dad for it. Not sure if I do or not. I know better than to HATE people. But when things like this come about, what can you do?

Ever since, I have gotten sick for no reason and have had self inflicting thoughts because I feel so worthless and pathetic. Your typical emo words are my choice of words and I have no idea how to change it. I have no idea how to stop the pain of feeling like I am nothing and that I feel that dad does not love me. I know thats not true but it sure as hell feels like it.

My one friend knows of my self infliction. Prior to the instant above, my dads girlfriend was telling me constantly that I had to go back through and change what I had done because it was wrong. I can't describe what had come over me but I felt this immense amount of pain and wanted to self inflict pain. I took the vacuum cleaner and started slamming the handle to my head.. but then it got scary. My nails to my arm... I don't know why I thought of it. I sat there after scratching with my nails and asked myself, "why do we feel this way? why do we take these actions upon ourselves?" I don't understand why I was doing it in the first place. It seemed so illogical and it still kind of does.

So in the mean time while waiting for new living arrangements through programs and services that provide low income housing, how do I help my random bursts of axiety and depression and from having thoughts of hurting myself. Please take note that I will never cut myself. I would never put scars on myself like that. Thats why me scratching and head banging was an option.


Please help...

I hurt for you. This is a bad situation. I hope you can move out soon. Do you have insurance or can afford to go to a doctor to get a prescription and perhaps therapy? I don't quite know what to do mydelf abt situations like that. But get psych help asap. I had a severe depressive episode 5 yrs ago and had similar feelings and have banged/hit my head and scratched myself. I know it is a scary place to be mentally.

Well, if you ask me, it's not something you can quickly or quietly get over. It's a part of yourself that you can't close off, nor should you. I'll set aside the unfortunate situation for the moment, and tell you what helps me. Sleeping tends to help me relax, as does doing something that I enjoy.

Also, and this does loop back to the situation at hand, it's generally a huge load off my mind to confront the issue head-on. Granted, that's hard for me, since I tend to imagine the worst possible outcome for any situation, but once I get it over with, I feel much, much better.

Just my $0.02

Your dad telling you to "shut up" was wrong. However, if it was your first meltdown ever, he was probably feeling overwhelmed and didn't know how to handle it. He probably didn't know what "got over you" (since gf was calm) and just wanted it to end quickly. I'm sure he probably feels bad about it which is why he may be "sweeping it under the rug" sort of speak. Like, if you don't talk about it, it never happened.

The gf, on the other hand, is worrisome. If she does it again, call 911. You are right. It's against the law.

The girlfriend needs to get through her head she is joining an existing family that includes you and that she is not your mother either, in reality you being 24 paying rent, you and she are equals in the household, she has no right to punish you. Thats the basic concept she needs to understand. I don't really know how to fix the issue behond knowing the issue as I have struggled with my step mom and the best way to deal with it is just to stay with my mom at our house more often. I don't suppose living with your real mom is an option?

For your dad it is his house, his rules however you do pay rent so you should have more leeway that way, I also recall your other thread as your dad being a AS denyer of sorts so maybe some understanding would help, again don't know how as I have issues in this department too. Some people think AS can be turned off or controlled at will to make others lives easy of course thats nonsence.

The best thing you may be able to do is use he law to your advantage as you appear to know, legal justifacation may carry more weight then your own opinion since if your like my opinion gets automaticly discounted by some people. Good Luck.

I appreciate everyone's input. :') Some recent updates is that he has given me a list of things I have to do first thing in the morning. I am not a morning person. He thinks it shouldn't be done at 8 PM. He goes to bed at 10 and so shouldn't be a problem. I have no issue with waiting till the end of the day to clean up. He tells me to do it in the morning so I am not... bothered? burdened? I don't really remember what word he used. Either way you look at it though, I am not bothered by it at all.. Actually I sometimes prefer it sense I know I can wake up to a clean house. I tried to tell him but I know what he would have said. I know thats not a good enough reason but that's what happened with everything I have said. Yes I know I shouldn't be vacuuming that late I can get behind that. But if I want to clean the bathroom at 8 PM, damn it I should be able to.

In terms of the legality of it all, am I able to call 9-1-1 on dad as well? I ask this out of caution, sense dad has told me he would have done the same thing. (Blocking the door from me leaving etc). This scares me more and just creates more anxiety. I also have 90 percent of the fight recorded in audio on my phone. I am unsure what to do with it. My friend suggested that I keep a hold of it and use it as a tool of learning. But still not quite sure.. It has her not letting me leave and her getting closer and not stopping.. I have not listened to it sense it was recorded.. but I know it was recording at the time. It also has dad yelling at me to shut up. Granted I did give the initial first scream so I will take the blame that I snapped. But I couldn't control it at that point. and it was because she kept stopping me and telling I was doing it wrong. I had the ok to leave from dad yada yada yada.

The only other thing now is that after we fought and I was leaving, his GF looked at him as he was giving me the 'life talk' with these innocent happy eyes like ... she knew she was doing the right thing. I got scared. I got sick. I didn't go study like I told them. I went straight to my one friends house to talk to him about my 'inflictions' and apologized for not being there on time sense I was going there instead of studying in the first place to talk about my 'inflictions' in the first place. I was 2 or so hours late.

So I still have the anxiety issues. Am I just spoiled? Am I to be under dads control sense I live there? I keep asking my self this over and over and over again.

Again keep them coming. It feels comforting to hear everyones words.

@ASDsmom
I say spoiled because I have always felt that I am just a brat that doesn't want to get work done. When I looked at the situations more, I found that I do indeed keep myself in check. It's not the best or anything (I have clutter etc) but it is still well picked up and dusted, vacuumed etc. I have told my self many times that I was a tad spoiled with work when I was little. I just kept telling myself that I was just spoiled and needed to get work done and that maybe I am just a brat. "Some one always has it worse" mentality.

I have to constantly tell myself this as well as the fact that just because some one has it worse then anyone else, doesn't mean I don't have the right to be upset. I had this constant feeling that I am just pathetic.


On other notes, I don't have this big stereotype of a needed routine. I really don't. Just don't go in to my room without permission. Only a few friends have permission to go into my room without my knowing. In the fight, his GF responded to me in the most sick fashion. I asked her to not go into my room, sense prior they went int there with out my permission and moved a lot of stuff. My deodorant wasn't in my room along with some things put into a small box etc. She told me.... No. If he says to go into my room to 'clean it' then she will do it. That is NOT ok! I know this damn well. I told her that. I told her it is not ok to go into peoples rooms without permission. I asked if the room was mine... If I had things of my own...

She said no.

She is in the trap of authority. And that's a hard trap for a person to get out of. Think in terms of zen and Tai Chi and nonengagement and allowing a person to save face, kind of that whole Asian model, or at least one version. Asian people are of course as complex as the rest of us.

So perhaps think of something you can agree with, maybe allowing her to vacuum when she's vacuuming the rest of the house but please not rearranging your items. And then ask your dad this reasonable request. And the more matter-of-fact you can be when asking, the better.

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Now, in difficult times, I am a big proponent of adding free positives to a person's life. So, keep doing well at school. Please keep involved with your friends and also be available for their life issues. And maybe a Sierra Club hiking group, maybe volunteer work, and yes, now more than ever when you need the positives. I would also add a part-time job (great reason to get out of the house!), but jobs are always a numbers games, especially with this economy. And in my personal experience, I have found there's almost an inverse relationship between the 'easy' jobs and the 'hard' ones. The entry-level, supposed 'easy' jobs are usually hard, whereas the supposed 'hard' jobs are often comparatively easy.

My dad attempted to take my laptop. I packed everything, including the laptop, and left. I am currently at my Ex-Stepmoms house. I am scared. He is telling me that I am not respecting him. My Ex-Stepmom says otherwise. If people want to hear updates let me know. I will gladly do so.

Wow thats quite the arrangement, however if it works thats great. Would not be surprised if your dad asks you to come back soon with what may appear to be a 180 degree mood change, this is the hard part if it becouse its hard to tell if he is being sinceare or not(worse that we have imparements in these areas). Is this new arrangement permanent? i'm just surprised an ex-stepmom of all people would do something like this. Maybe she will like your rent money better.

Hi, staying with your Ex-Stepmom sounds like a positive change , at least for the time being and/or as a back-up plan, and maybe as a more long-term living arrangement.

If you do move back with your dad, he needs to understand that a reasonable approach for chores is most chores most of the time, especially for someone on the Spectrum who might have executive functioning and time issues and who has other responsibilities and activities including both school and work. An occasional chore left undone is not a sign of disrespect. It's just real life.

And your dad attempting to take away your laptop is cutting you off from connections and from open fields. He should not do that. You have a right to your connections and your open fields.