Going to have another meltdown

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I don't feel safe anymore at home and feel like i am going to have a meltdown any day now. I felt so much safer when i was in hospital. I can't cope on the outside world. When i sit at home i notice so many things that i could harm myself with.

Plus My ocd is getting to much to deal with. I spend hours everyday doing rituals to make me feel calmer. I feel like something bad is going to happen all the time. If i mess up one of my rituals i have a feeling of approaching doom. I am so scared that if i mess up once something really bad will happen. my medication to help this is completely ineffective.
i can't even kill myself because to do so i would have to do endless rituals and make everything feel calm before i do it. There's no f*****g way out anymore. I am very worried that if i make one wrong move i will have a complete meltdown.

Last edited by HammorHorror on 01 Mar 2013, 2:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I don’t know anything about OCD, but I’ll listen if no none else is around.

How long have you been home?
Do you live with anyone?

I've been home for about 3 months now. I was discharged in december.

I live with my parents but they give me s**t all the time. They make me take my medication because they say they don't like how i am when i am not taking it. My mother doesn't support me at all. The only time she ever talks to me she is nagging. She doesn't understand me and she doesn't want anything to do with me. Sometimes i'd like to kill her. my dad does things with me and tries to talk to me but he doesn't seem to get it either.

I tried to kill myself a year ago but i f****d it up. I don't know why the f**k i'm still here as things just get f*****g worse. My meds make me tired and drowsy all day and i can't take it anymore. I really want to stop taking them but my doctor is worried i will relapse.

How well do you get along with grandparents and other relatives?
Could you live somewhere else?
Or stay somewhere else for a few weeks?

My grandparents are all dead, and my other relatives want nothing to do with me.
There is nowhere to go.

If you cannot trust your parents, trust your doctor and speak to him confidentially without your mother present. Tell him how you feel about her. He's bound by professional ethics not to disclose anything to her that you say. Maybe he can refer you to a suitable person to help, or at least prescribe other meds that may make you feel less drowsy, or adjust the dosage at least.

What do you do during the day - is there maybe some hobby you could keep busy with that can help suppress the OCD among other things.

I've been through a similar time in my life about 8 years ago and it was really a difficult time for me. I was paranoid, insomniac, subject to panic attacks, having fights with my stepfather and suffering from PTS due to events earlier that year. I could write a whole chapter about this. But it became better for me, especially after diagnosis. I stay in a small garden flat on my own now, a few km away from my parents, who subsidise my rent partially.

This sounds like a cliche, but just take it one small step at a time. It works.

*hugs*

This one’s a long shot, but I’ll throw it out there anyway.
My nephew is about 30 years younger than me. We are both Aspies (undiagnosed until recently).
I always wanted to find a way to connect with him, but we’re both so socially awkward, it never worked until recently. An odd combination of circumstances has allowed us to spend some big chunks of time together. Mostly down time, ships passing in the night, but we have managed to connect to some extent. The proximity, combined with the fact that he’s grown up a bit, and some good things have come of it. I brought him with me to my local Aspie support group, and I even found him his first girlfriend, although that was an accident.

If I had known of all the trouble he was having with his parents, I would have invited him to come and live with me part of the time. I think it would have saved him a lot of trouble.

Are you sure your other relatives dislike you, or is it just an awkward, disconnected thing that no one has really tried to get through? Chances are you are not the only Aspie in the family.

Did you annoy anyone in a particular way and, if so, is it far enough in the past that you can claim a statute of limitations? You can’t blame an 18-year-old for things that happened four years ago.

If you explain as politely as possible (no specific blame or badmouthing) that your whole family needs a break from the stress of living together, you might find that you have a friend after all. It’s worth a shot, and better than another trip to some hospital.

Sweet Pea hugs