Can't let go

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I doubt I've ever felt this much hatred towards another person, if I can even call them that. I don't believe in violence outside of self defense, but if I ever saw them again I don't think I'd be able to restrain myself. Of course that's unrealistic - hurting them is not worth facing criminal charges and ruining my life, however mediocre it may already be. Still, I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss as to what to do with myself.

This is someone who's caused me immense emotional pain and gave me scars that have lasted for more than a few years. The worst thing is that they refuse to take responsibility or even acknowledge it at all. Apparently it's "all in my head" and delusions. If it were just that, this would be far easier to overcome. But no. They are too immature to even begin to think about apologizing. They've even told me to let it go. How can I let go now? After believing all this negative BS they've said about me for so long, when none of it was true? It's been especially hard to get through these issues which would not have been there in the first place if not for their abuse.

Things like writing hateful messages I won't actually send or using some kind of stress ball probably will not work. I feel the need for something "real" - to make someone else feel just as badly as I have. And it would be wrong to do that to just anyone, so only this specific person would do, and as I said it's not worth the trouble. It's unlikely I'll ever see them again anyway, and good riddance, but I still have this anger I'm carrying around that I haven't the slightest clue how to get rid of.

Because of this whole experience I don't even know if I can trust myself to trust other people on that same level again. If I'm so oblivious to awful behavior, how will I ever have any healthy friendships or relationships? I have to put up walls between myself and others now, and it's impossible not to feel overbearingly alone now.

Stunted might be the word that would describe it best. When I just can't get these negative emotions out in any way, I feel like giving up and it always seems to ruin things when it looks like I may finally be able to turn life around in the right direction. How come this keeps happening to me as soon as I return to being foolishly optimistic? What is it about life that wants to keep me trapped in a depression? It seems it can sense whenever I try to just be happy regardless of my circumstances.

So yeah, I'm feeling both utterly powerless and angry and don't know what to do. Awesome.

Same thing happened to me lots of times. More than should be allowed. All I can tell you is that at some point anger turns into bitterness, which is slightly easier to handle. And then... well you know what they say about time, it heals stuff.

i can totally relate to this post...wish i had some words of comfort for you

I can really relate to your post and the best thing I can tell you is this; you have to find your own means of dealing with the injustices you've faced. Only you will really know what it will take to get yourself through this. I am not condoning criminal activity, but how you choose to handle it is your decision entirely. Personally, I assessed my situation as well as myself as an individual, determined what I wanted to see changed, and started working on my "recovery". I, like you, do not see traditional therapeutic strategies as helpful, but I am still attending sessions with a psychologist. I also experience periods of sheer anger and depression, during which I feel like causing someone physical harm. To help with this I will be taking mixed martial arts classes to "channel out" my rage into physical exertion. Also, if you can, express yourself through your special interests. For example, I love cinema and I am currently in the process of writing a film in which the character experiences struggles similar to those that I have. Also, once you have reached a point at which you feel more at ease with what has happened, reward yourself somehow. You've achieved a great thing by coming to terms with what has happened to you. Do something you've always wanted to try or buy something that you feel will help you achieve your goals and ambitions.

While it may or may not be difficult to understand now; everything we experience, even the things that seem unbearably horrible, can give us new strengths. Through trying times we discover who we really are and just how brave and powerful we can be. Traumatizing experiences foster within many people a metaphorical monster. What you have to do is decide whether your going to embrace the monster's strengths or let it destroy you.

Thanks. I guess I'll have to do that somehow. I really don't know what I'm going to do. Another part of it is that she shouldn't be able to get away with doing something like this to another person. Why should I have to work so hard to be considerate of others when you have people like this who don't give a damn for anyone but themselves? What is the point if I am only treated in a negative way like this? What's real messed up is that they seem to just be better off in general, all because they are willing to walk all over other people. I don't get it at all.

I've had wounds to. You know what they got for it just about every time? The people responsible for those places joined in with people pulling all the straw man attacks they wanted for troll funsie sake, as they went way too far with their accusations. Some of the other folk around believed every word each of the little bullies gave and also acted accordingly. It’s nothing new to me, and I most certainly know what it feels like to want to batter someone to oblivion and beyond. What did I get just about each time? More isolation! I feel for your down spell. Hope you get better soon. Do you like coffee?

More isolation? That's something I want to try to avoid, having been alone for so long, but then I guess if it's people like this that you are staying away from, then it may be worth it. Still, it's hard to know who's really genuine and not just some sort of narcissist. I shouldn't have to watch out for stuff like this, but now I guess it's just the norm. I'm sorry you and others here have had to go through this, too. And thanks.

Sure, coffee's ok, but I don't see how that's relevant here.