thanks you guys. helped a lot. i am watching him. kitty seems stronger and less agitated with hubby at home. guess we will talk to the vet tomorrow and make a call. i hate to let the cat go but death is the logical natural end of a life. it happens. i know after 19 years of life, 15 good years with us we can't leave him blind and disoriented, wandering around in circles getting tripped over...
...being blind isn't that big a deal for a cat he would adjust. but the weakness in all 4 limbs, stumbling in circles, that funny purr they make that is not the 'pet me i love you' purr but the kitty equivalent of unhappy stimming purr-- those things are a big deal. those things are an animal in pain fear and distress.
but. i can sit up and comfort and observe the cat. i can take the cat to the vet, figure out what is going on, and make the decision about what to do. i can if necessary move snow and chip out a hole in the back yard and wrap the cat in an old towel and et cetera et cetera. not the first pet i've lost. my childhood cat died curled around my head with no warning. it happens.
i can handle all that. i will grieve the cat, i will miss the cat, i will paint a memorial on a rock and put it over the cat because i will completely f*****g lose it if the dog digs up the cat. i will b***h a little about the 130 pound woman digging the hole while the 290 pound man plays video games to calm himself because he can move about 3 times as much dirt as i can and the extra 160 pounds would be really helpful digging in frozen ground but i will dig the hole lay the cat out and fill the hole in again.
pat the crying children. read rainbow bridge. send the cat to daddy. explain death to the 3 year old. can do. as long as i don't have to feel i am being watched and measured and judged and that any misste[ can and will be held against me, can do.
what i cannot do is comfort the husband. life is hard for him with an aspie wife. that cat has comforted him through a lot of hard times. he has a connection with that cat that he does not have with any other living thing. he will when he is ready go on the hunt for a new cat. he will find a new cat. i will hope and pray it is an adult cat and not a kitten but i will cope with four kids, three other cats, a dog, and a kitten if that's what chooses him. time makes you bolder and children get older and kittens get older too. then it will be ok.
but i am worried about him in the interim. i don't know how to comfort him and i don't know how to stay calm when the upset boils over on me and the kids. not that he will be abusive but snitty and touchy and critical and nasty because he is hurt. not to mention clingy and physically needy-- not an easy need to meet with four kids plus a limited capacity to cuddle before i have to breathe cool air and not be touched by anything old enough to verbalize.
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"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
08 Jan 2013, 6:47 pm
