My own mother is ashamed of me

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So I was complaining to my mom about how it seemed so much easier to be an aspie in other countries (I'm french) because for one thing, there's financial support just for being autistic. I wasn't aware the same thing existed in France, which my mom then told me about. I was really happy to hear about that, because obviously I can't get a job. I've tried, doesn't work. So, I thought, how awesome, all I have to do is get diagnosed, and I'm gonna be payed for doing nothing, what a nice way for society to make up for excluding me in the first place ! So I told my mom let's call some people, let's make it happen, we're not gonna be poor anymore, life is wonderful ! !!
But she did NOT seem happy about this wonderful idea of mine. Because apparently she's totally ashamed of having an autistic daughter. I mean I confronted her about it. I repetedly told her I didn't care AT ALL about being "categorized" as asperger which was her argument against getting an official diagnosis. I asked if she was ashamed, expecting her to look really offended and say "of course not, daughter of mine, what an awful idea" or something similar, but no, she then proceeded to pass the vaccum cleaner, making sure I couldn't annoy her any longer. WHO DOES THAT ??
I'm surprised by all this, I had no idea my mom was such a b***h. I mean she works with low-fonctioning autistics for god's sake ! ! She's the one who suggested I might be asperger in the first place, all those years ago ! And I thought she was such an awesome mom, so devoted to her family who should think more of herself really. And I was so proud of her for finally divorcing my a**hole of a father last year. And now, it's like my image of her, everything I thought I knew about her, it doesn't really mean any thing anymore.
And I keep thinking, if MY OWN MOTHER can't handle it, why would anybody else ? I mean she's had YEARS to get used to the idea...
And it's not like the rest is any better. My little brother thinks it's really funny, and he keeps mocking me, everytime he hears the word autism. He's been doing that for years, which I guess making a joke of it is his way of coping with it, and it's not really mean-spirited, but it's still annoying. And the only reason he's kinda defending me on this matter is because there's money involved.
And I haven't talked to my other brother in years, but the reason for that is that he's always been an a**hole about me being weird, even when I thought I was a normal kid so ... yeah, he's an a**hole in general anyway. I mean, if he was king of the world, any kind of person who's not totally normal would be put in prison. And that includes non-white people, and gay people and ALL those freaks of nature. I'm sure he thinks autistic people should be killed at birth. God, I hate my family ! !!

...So that was longer than expected, I guess I really needed to get this out. So anyway, do you think I'm being too hard on my mom ? How does YOUR family view your "aspie-ness" ? Do they accept it ?

I was not aware France was even giving disability stipends for autism, what with the header right at the top of the WP site and all. I have a mother similar to yours; she has become a bit more supportive lately, though some days I wonder how she could ever have cared for disabled people yet talk to me the way she does.

Even if you begin receiving government money for your condition, it will not solve your financial problems and if you continue to live with family, which will probably be the case as living independently requires a considerable amount of money, they will be threatening to send you to an institutional facility every other month.

Hope it goes well either way

I really sympathize about the situation with your mother.

My own mother was so determined that we are all excellent and work ethic and in perfect health (and on and on and on) - not to mention that everything can be fixed by willpower. It wasn't until she died, aged 89, that I was able to consider the possibility of Asperger's at all. At that point, I was 57yo.

So don't do what I did. Well, do what I did but do it now, not when you're 57yo. I went to our big mental hospital (got a referral from family doc) and got a written diagnosis from the Autism Dept., signed by the psychiatrist in charge. That's one page on hospital letterhead, and all it says is that "a diagnosis of ASD is warranted." It's backed up by an inch thick of tests but all I have to show people is that first page.

So once I had an official Dx, I went to the community health centre and they helped me apply to the government. They put me on permanent disability allowance.

As for people who think you're looking for a free ride, let me tell them that I worked 30 years and got fired every 1-3 years. And it was pure unmitigated hell, doing work which I did extremely well in social settings where I could not cope at all. And I tried.

Don't let anybody badger you into living a false life. If the truth for you is a disability allowance, go for it.

There's no need to tell your mother what you're doing. It took me 2 years to get the diagnosis. Just get started.

In the meantime you might want to work on rearranging your world re sensory overload. Like that vacuum

Thanks for replying

I understand you. My mother is just the same. You need to find the emotional support from somewhere else ( I found it in my local aspie group)

Mine are okay with it. They accept me and see it as my personality and as who I am.

Your mom may have gotten upset because when you said you wanted to get diagnosed so you can get money from the gov for it, she saw it as a free ride and it upset her. Plus some people say disability is not for people who can't get a job when they are capable of working. But what they don't seem to understand is having a disability can make getting a job hard for you. I do think having one doesn't mean you don't have to work, it's just there as a tool and you have money until you can get work. Some people just give up and some don't. Plus there are places out there that employ people with disabilities and there is voc rehab. So to say you wanted a diagnoses so you can get paid to sit at home and do nothing pushed her buttons. I don't know how things work in France like if there are places that help people with disabilities get jobs or not.


But you can ask her if she would rather have you be a burden or just be on disability so you have some income of your own.

I tried calling my mother over the winter holidays, only to find out that she had changed her phone number without telling me ... again!

(Hey, ma! I'm the son who never sold drugs, never got anyone pregnant other than my wife, never broke into people's houses, never went AWOL, and never went to prison. I'm the son who finished high school, who put himself through university and earned an engineering degree, who enlisted in the military and earned an honorable discharge, and who married the mother of my children before those children were conceived. So why do you cut me off?)

Yeah, life sucks, but sometimes you just gotta live with it.

Sweet Pea hugs