Overwhelming confusion and hopelessness.

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Well, I'll tell ya, It seems to be getting to the point where it isn't a even question of "Wanting" to kill myself.

My life has taken such a drastic and confusing turn for the worst that I honestly don't know if I even have the choice to stay alive anymore.

For the last few years I had been sole caregiver for my Mom who started having strokes ten years ago, then suffered from dementia, and since she died in May, I am alone, confused, broke and lost.

Caring for Mom took me out of any kind of "Normal" life, and I had struggled very hard to get to where I was before that. Mom's slow and heartbreaking decline really did a number on me, I never expected it to take as long as it did and in the end I had spent all my savings, had to short sell her house and rent a place, been out of the job market for 5 years, lost what few people I could call friends, and pretty much lost all sense of hope and ambition. I have never been Money Motivated and really don't even understand our society, but I've always worked and was never really a big spender. I just wish I had a better idea of how long and expensive my caring for Mom was going to be. While I was in the thick of it, I didn't give much thought to what my own situation would be after it was all over. Although honestly, I probably wouldn't have done anything different.

I self-diagnosed with Asperger's after Mom died, and as much as it explains a LOT about my entire life, it has also added to my complete confusion.

I'm exhausted from it all and although I know I really just needed a quiet, peaceful break to try to grieve and recuperate, I had to immediately move out of the house we were in and landed in an ex-employee's house where I just assumed I'd be safe for a while. No such luck, She turned out to be a domineering recently widowed narcissist who seems to be under the impression that now I'm alone, she owns me. She is constantly degrading me and trying to tell me how I "Should" be (more like her shallow, manic, shopaholic self) and never leaves the house so she focuses on ME constantly. I'm afraid to be friendly with her cat because when she see's that she gets jealous and then the cat and I BOTH suffer for it. It's a horrible situation that takes more energy every minute just to try to play her games than I can handle for much longer. I think she's trying to set me up to be HER eventual caregiver, but doing that for own Mother was bad enough, I refuse to do it for anyone else.

I need to get out of here and have nowhere to go. There is just no work in this small tourist town for a depressed 49 year old Aspie who hasn't worked in years, and I have no money to gather myself together and try the terrifying option of moving to some strange place in the hope I can find work there. The few larger towns I have looked into don't seem to be much better. It doesn't help at all that I can't even figure out what a job consists of when I try to read through all the "Human Resource -Speak" they use to write help wanted ads these days.

I don't even recognize my own life anymore. it's like waking up from a long deep sleep and finding that the world has completely changed around you and doesn't seem to like the fact that you're here.

The mental and emotional exhaustion is making it impossible for to think my way through this. I'm terrified of living on the streets and honestly can't seem to find a way to avoid that.

A few months ago I thought that my only option is to go back to school and hope that leads to some kind of employment, but the more I try to look at things realistically, the more I think I am just fooling myself about all that. I can get financial aid to cover some of the actual school costs but how am I supposed to cover rent and food and life? Do I even have to ability to get through something like that anymore?

I realize now that I've screwed myself and that's nothing new, but I've never experienced such a complete lack of resources or ideas or second chances before, or even such a lack of will to get back up and keep fighting.

So, I keep getting this nagging thought that perhaps I shouldn't keep 'hoping beyond hope' and just accept the inevitable, start concentrating on making the appropriate plans to take a graceful exit under my own terms. Life isn't supposed to go on forever, and although I have always had to live "For Tomorrow" in the sense that I was always striving for some improved future, I think maybe I have to admit soon that my chances for building that future are in the past. Especially considering that all that previous work has only led me here, today.

I'm very frightened.

I'm so sorry you're feeling that and please understand your feelings are temporary! You are grieving the loss of your mom (which is a big deal) and it's hard to move forward. Since you're on government assistance, give yourself that time to grieve and try not to worry about your future for now. You might want to consider moving out of your place since your room-mate is adding much stress to your life. Would you consider moving into a bigger city? It may give you the resources you need. There are always ads from people looking for a quiet room-mate. There are temp-agencies if you want help finding a permanent job. If you plan on going back to school, you can!! Make that your focus in life. If you have to work part-time at Starbucks to make ends meet, than do that. Anything is better than feeling suicidal and lost.

Again, what you're feeling IS NORMAL. Please give yourself that time to grieve over the most important person in your life. You owe it to her and you owe it to yourself.

Recite: my life sucks now. It will not suck forever.

Big hugs!!
xo

Last edited by ASDsmom on 16 Feb 2013, 8:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I met a woman today .. at Starbucks, actually. She is unemployed (on social assistance), insecure over her weight issues, has a 16 year old who is struggling with high school "stuff" (academics, relationships, peer pressure), and she came off very sad. We ended up chatting for nearly an hour when she gave me her phone number. She told me to call her sometime, if I wanted to meet up for coffee again. Honestly, I think our conversation gave her a bit of hope (not to sound conceited, or anything). What I'm saying is, surround yourself with positive people. Apply at any job for now because it will always lead you to some direction. It will also give you a purpose, a schedule, and a sense of worth.

Thank you so much.

And I DO try to tell myself it's just temporary, I also know how much I still need to grieve, it's why I really, really, need a peaceful environment very soon.

I have tried everything I can to find work, filled out any application I can find, I've even been able to continue telling myself that it is the economic situation that it is making it so hard to find, but the bottom line is I can't find any, and the reality of the world today is that without money, life is literally impossible. And I AM keeping up with the School application deadlines and paperwork, perhaps I'll still be trying to find a way when school starts and I'll show up and keep trying.

I'm sorry if I gave the impression I'm on assistance, I'm not, never have been, I'm a strong believer and supporter of Social Services, but frankly I think that would do more self-esteem damage than it would give me any practical help at this point, and raises the question again if I would just be prolonging the inevitable and dragging out the misery.

I fully remember what Joy feels like, but I am honestly and definitely afraid that I will never feel it again. Without it I just don't believe life is worth the struggle. I'm not trying to talk myself into anything but I AM trying to rationally determine if it may be time to cut my losses and hopefully avoid a lot of unnecessary suffering. I'm too much of an Aspie to fall for the old head game of "sticking with it' just because society expects it for some unexplained reason.

I'm afraid I may have just randomly found my way into a 'Perfect Storm' of circumstances that can't be denied.

But again, THANK YOU. Even just for the fellowship and willingness to discuss this with me. I WILL keep searching and looking and trying for a way out of this mindset, but as you probably know, we Aspies aren't really that good at fooling ourselves about things.

I was on social assistance once. It felt horrible - like a failure. But you know, it was only a stepping stone for me and I knew I would only take what I needed to get by (I was a single parent). So, ok, you're an Aspie. Is it a reason or a crutch? Reality is, you're going through a really hard period of life and you've come to a realization that you've "wasted" money in the process. You also know that despite being broke, your mom was worth it all. That says a lot about your character.

I don't know why I thought you were on social assistance (I didnt re-read your post lol). I'm sorry I made that assumption. I'm not sure what a Perfect Storm means, though. Can you explain?

By "A Perfect Storm" I mean a completely random and rare, but devastating, collection of circumstances, like an almost unbelievable streak of bad luck, believable only because it is really there in front of you.

I do wonder sometimes if I'm not just letting my recent experiences and reasonable depression turn my entire outlook negative, but then I realize that even if that is what's happening, it boils down to the same question:

Do I continue to suffer and wait it out in the hope that Joy will return to my life, risking years more of this excruciating misery, probable homelessness, and everything else that would accompany a downward spiral?

Or do I just get on with it, appreciate what I HAVE had, and call it a day.

I wish a could consider another option of just taking the time I need to heal and then get back to the work of living, but I don't have that option, and without that healing, which I haven't been able to even begin yet, I'm not sure I'm capable of whatever it takes to live day-to-day.

Preventative measure: homelessness will be a reality if you don't seek social services. Again, swallow your pride and use it as a stepping stone. Appreciate what you've HAD and have faith more good will come your way. It's really all about attitude, right? If you think the good has come and gone, that's exactly what will happen. If you have a shred of faith, you will believe that in the right environment with the right support, Joy will return. I know it's easier said then done but honestly, maybe your interpretation of Joy needs to be adjusted. What exactly do you want to achieve? An education? Love? Financial stability? All are good goals and they will only be achievable with the right plan and support. So, where do you go from there.. where are you going to get that support from? What resources are you going to access? If your resources are limited, where can you relocate to better the quality of your life? Are you grounded? Do you have existing family who can support you, emotionally? If not, you are not bound to your current location. You may need to take a step back in order to make a giant leap forward and that's a risk you'll need to face - potentially.





There are options. Dig deeper.

I don't take going on assistance lightly, but there are situations that qualify as emergencies and I'd say yours does. What is staying in the housing situation you're in now doing to your self-esteem? Will it continue to make you feel worse the longer you stay there? Even if you don't take money, there must be some local agencies that would help you find low cost housing or perhaps employment counseling. Is there an Asperger's association near you? It would be worth checking that out.

You don't want to die. You want to make your life better. Even one small change for the better in one aspect of your life might be what it takes to bring you out of your depression a little bit and give you the strength to move ahead.

I totally agree!

Thank you both so much, even just the fact that you were willing to listen and give your thoughts on a stranger's problems reminds me that the joy of life IS still out there, however far out of my reach it may be at the moment.

I've read all these comments over quite a few times and I'm working hard to absorb them and find a way to work them into my way of thinking. It IS difficult to fight back the negative (that I believe is reasonable considering my circumstances), and replace it or adjust it with some Positive, especially when the only positive I seem to have to work with is so ephemeral -just thoughts and ideas, but I DO agree that it IS all about attitude and perception, however without any concrete outside positive reinforcement I tend to start thinking that I must be off-base somehow and that I am only fooling myself by thinking I deserve a good life when the facts clearly show that I am not receiving one no matter what I may THINK I deserve, so therefore....

On and on.

As I've said, I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted already, but despite having had to look on the bright side practically all my life in hopes of improving my situation, This time I feel like maybe it might be just a bit too much to accomplish. At this point I feel my ability to continue just maintaining day to day is running out. I might not actually have the reserve strength I'll need to make any kind of added push of effort to climb out of this situation.

I'll keep holding on for now, in the hope that something catches and shows to me that it IS possible to enjoy again and worth the struggle in the long run.

You've asked about any family I might have, I haven't even touched on that but in short, my brother and sister, who are all I have left, are actually one of the main reasons I'm in the financial hole I'm in. (My Father left me some money, my siblings stole it.) Enough said about that.

Thanks again for letting me babble on like this, it helps just breaking the cycle of it going around and around in my head. Getting it out in discussion with others does help to clarify things, and you straightforward concern and consideration are a breath of fresh air in the environment of been in lately.