Just feeling really bitter lately

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I know I haven't posted anything really yet, but I might as well.

Normally, I am a pretty positive person. Even when things are generally crappy I try to look on the bright side, but lately everything is bothering me. I just am not happy with anything right now.

It seems like I am just so atypical and sometimes I really wish things were easier!

I am completely isolated, and even more so because I am taking a semester off from university. However, this just seems even more pathetic to me because I am 43 years old, and have no friends, other than one ex-boyfriend from 21 years ago that I still talk through email once in a while. My disability coach at university is great with accommodations, but doesn't get that sometimes I just need a few words of support that don't have anything to do with courses. I do find being in classes isolating, and I rarely see anyone else my age there. If I do, they usually figure out fairly soon that I do not fit into the norm for a woman my age in terms of interests, communication skills, etc., and the chance for a possible friendship is gone. I can't relate to the usual interests of my supposed peer group at all.

I am really lonely. I am doing really well in my courses (A+ consistently) but I found the last semester of seminars and expected participation really socially draining. It takes a lot more effort for me to show up and participate in discussions. Don't get me wrong, I talk a lot about whatever the group is talking about, but the whole time I have another level of self-monitoring going on making sure I am not doing or saying anything offensive, weird, or whatever.

Ok, what else is bugging me....

Well, I already have two degrees, an honours B.F.A. (and I graduated with the highest marks in studio) as well as a B.A. in music. However, due to social demands, I am not interested in teaching, (besides, I really am a terrible teacher; I can't teach someone else what I know very well) and even worse than that, I don't feel like doing any studio work. I am just too dissatisfied and unhappy.

I painted half a wall of my apartment and stopped because I just lost motivation.

I live in a relatively small city, and my psychiatrist is a complete dumbass, and I say that with absolute certainty because I have seen a lot of psychiatrists over the past 20 years or so.

The rental company I rent my current apartment from is discriminatory toward me because I am on disability assistance. I would like to go into details, but I am just too angry about the situation.

Ok, there's more.

I have no transportation other than the city bus, and I find it impossible to get where I would like to be. I love hiking, and the outdoors, but I feel trapped in the city. I lived in the country growing up with farm animals (as pets) and lots of stuff to do outdoors, and sometimes I wish I hadn't because then I would not be missing that life so much now.

I am afraid I will never find a job that I can do on a long-term basis and that I will end up with no money, or friends, alone. Which pathetically enough, is my exact situation right now.

I was diagnosed with, besides Asperger's, PTSD and bipolar II disorder. I also have a litany of other crap like sensory issues, auditory processing disorder, anxiety, and prosopagnosia, that make the going out into the community and joining a social group of some sort seem like a bloody nightmare. I didn't used to have this kind of attitude, but things just seem to get worse the older I get. I hardly leave my apartment anymore, just to go across the street to the grocery store. And, I never used to be like this.

I am just hating the way everything is right now.

what degree are you studying for right now?

you sound depressed. if your shrink won't help you with that, another one might be better. sounds like he isn't your cup of tea anyway.

I agree, I probably need a new psychiatrist. I am not sure how to go about getting a new one.... I am thinking maybe I will go to student health and see one of the doctors there for a referral. I am still registered as a student, even though I am not taking any courses right now.

I forgot to mention something else that is bugging me, and I might as well.

In the fall, I had a really hard time figuring out what to take course-wise, and due to some OCD tendencies I added and dropped courses so much online, that I left behind over 30 pages of changes in my file.... Although I was careful to never add the number of courses that would make me full time, the computer system at my school got confused, and I was charged full time fees. (I need to stay part time to continue receiving funding and I can't study full time anyway.) So, as a result, in order to receive future funding, I need to pay for a semester on my own. I was planning to use the unused $ from this semester (just keep it in my student account), but now, because I was overcharged, I don't have enough money in my account to pay for fees. And, despite my ongoing attempts to set up a meeting with student accounts to discuss this, no one is returning my emails.

If I can resolve this problem, I will continue taking courses. I am not sure about a major. I am trying to complete a B.Sc., and thinking about majoring either in archaeology, biology or psychology. I would love to take physics, but my math skills pretty much prohibit that.

I would go to the business office in person.

I was a biology major. it was fun. there was some math (one term statistics and one year calculus). I like that it qualifies me to work in a lab where people skills wouldn't be paramount.

Yes, go in person to school office and keep going to get it straightened out. Make it clear you are not going to drop the issue until satisfied. Nothing is easier to ignor then an email, and staff will often try to shuffle you off in person, saying 'you can't do this, or nothing can be done, etc.' Its often BS. Something almost always can be done. If the normal staff start to blow you off, ask to see the supervisor. If the supervisor trys to blow you off, ask to see quality control or the supervisor's supervisor. Be polite, but firm.

What you do (for work) is sometimes not as important as just doing something. If things related to your course of study do not interest you or would not be practical, look outside your field. Often, the title of the degree is not as important as simply having one, which is a leg up in the job seeking process.

Your turning inward and avoiding social interaction is totally normal for someone on the spectrum. Its just your natural self protective instinct. Other then as a temporary recharge/stress relief it is however counter-productive and will tend to just make you more depressed and reduce opportunities. Its just like having to get up in the morning and go to work. Few like the experience, but it has to be done. It is better then the alternative.

Thanks for these replies - I really appreciate the feedback. I am going to try that approach with student accounts, go into the office, and see if I can get the overcharge issue solved. I found a way to deal with the discrimination issue with my landlord today, and plan to start dealing with that tomorrow morning.
Work is a big issue for me. I suppose I should go to the career centre at the university.


Toy_Soldier, you wrote "Your turning inward and avoiding social interaction is totally normal for someone on the spectrum. Its just your natural self protective instinct. Other then as a temporary recharge/stress relief it is however counter-productive and will tend to just make you more depressed and reduce opportunities. Its just like having to get up in the morning and go to work. Few like the experience, but it has to be done. It is better then the alternative."

This makes a lot of sense to me, and is generally the approach I try to take. It seems that lately there have been so many issues to deal with (over the past couple of years, even), that avoiding social situations just gradually has become my coping mechanism. I am finding it difficult to make connections with like-minded people in a city of 78,000, when I don't have a social network available to help me make connections in the first place, if that makes sense. Even more so when I don't have the funds or transportation to participate in a lot of activities. It is really frustrating.