Was I raped?

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About a year ago, I ran into a black man who was cute in the face and we started talking. After he ascertained that I was gay, he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place to f**k. I said that I was wiling to do oral but that was it. Anyways, I remember when we went there after I sucked him for a few minutes he started pressuring me to do him from behind which I tried to but couldent bring myself to do (in short I couldent get it up because I was freaked out) he got mad and put me up against the wall and that I was face down on the floor. I remember leaving there feeling totally disassociated from myself and completly depressed, sometimes it seemed like I was watching myself from afar, and I had this very off meltdown atop a parking garage downtown.

Im not sure if what he did was rape because he asked me if I wanted him to do things and I said "no" but I didnt resist because I was afraid of violence. I dont think he has any idea what he did to me, which is why I feel guilty thinky of pressing charges, but the memory persists with me forever.

You explicitly made it clear what you were and were not willing to do and you said "no". If he did it anyway, then yes, I think you were. What a terrible thing to do to you! I am sorry that it happened.

(I don't want to sound like I'm blaming the victim or being judgmental, but is it a common thing for gay men to go off with strangers like that? That doesn't make it right that he did things to you against your will, but it does seem like you're putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Try to stick to people you know and trust.)

From what you describe, it sounds like you were raped.

You stated what you were willing to do and while you went along with something further out of pressure, he took it even further in what sounds like a physically intimidating manner. That's rape.

Making a solid case for it may be difficult, but worth it if it prevents him from doing the same thing to another person. Unfortunately, the fact that it was a year ago is likely to make a case against him all the more difficult.

At any rate, it might be worth some therapy to deal with the sense of violation.

Yes, you were raped. It is YOUR body.

Nobody gets to say what happens to your body but you. You don't have to struggle or fight to make it rape; all you have to do is not consent or agree to an act - this means that this other man had to GET YOUR PERMISSION before doing ANYTHING - the responsibility is his, not yours. You actively said no, and that's more than enough.

It can be rape even if you didn't say no - if someone doesn't give you the chance or opportunity to say no and does what they want to do anyway, it's still rape.

You might want to go to a rape crisis center and get help: this is a lot for one person to process.

yes, this was rape. you should get tested for HIV, HBV, and HCV.

If he put his dick in your ass and you said no, it's rape.

Yes, that is what happened to you. It might be less troublesome if you talk about it with a good therapist. Get yourself into counseling, at least for a while, for it may help you to learn to avoid people and situations which can turn on you, victimize you, and/or trick you. It took me years and years to realize how vulnerable a person can be, and how to stay safe, not invite trouble in other words.

It is rape with implied threat of violence. You said no, but did not resist further because you feared violence. Plus, the disassociated feeling at leaving is another line of evidence.

The guy is a first-rate jerk. He got angry when he didn't have to and stayed angry and made the entire situation much worse. He could have been a friend or at least been an okay individual. And he wasn't.

I'm sorry you experienced this.

What happened to you definitively, was rape. Any sexual behaviour towards you which you haven't given consent for is rape, and from what you've said, there was implied threat of violence.

As others have suggested, talking to a therapist may be helpful for you.

Okay, some resources,

In some gay communities, there is a MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) which makes a point to be a welcoming congregation.

In Houston, there's what used to be called the Gay Switchboard which would help put members of the LGBT community in touch with resources. Your part of the country may have something similar.

And . . . beginning with when I first saw a therapist at age 17, most of my experiences with so-called mental health professionals have been negative and/or unhelpful. And I'm sorry, but that has been my experience. Now, if you find a good one, more power to you. Some people here at WP have had positive experiences. But you might do better with someone who has some general life experience and who's a good listener (rather than someone with a heavy commitment to a theory), and maybe some of the above resources can help put you in touch with such a person.

I wou;d recommend seek counsiling!

This was an obvious rape. You said "no" yet he made you feel threatened and acted far beyond your comfort zone.

A lot of people have an illusion that in a "typical" rape there is always shouting and violence included; in reality clear majority of the victims "freeze" out of fear and confusion.

I'm very sorry that you had to go through something like that... It shows a kind nature of you to consider his point of you even after all the events, but you by no means should be under any illusion that he didn't cross the line with his actions. He did.

I really hope that you consider talking to a professional about this and seek help... It might be a great help to be able to live with the events and move on with your life. There are some great people out there although the level may differ.

If you feel like having somebody to talk to about this, you're also welcome to PM me anytime. Unfortunately I have also had experiences in this field and had to overcome them... It takes time, but it is doable.