About to take a big leap, and I'm terrified

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In a few days I'll be on a plane, to spend four days interviewing the subject of my new documentary. I've been in touch with this individual for three years, and I finally decided to quit waiting for the ideal moment, and just commit to flying out to visit him and interview him, which will be the backbone of my film. He's a former olympian, and I'll be getting b-roll footage of his day to day life, as well as a race he'll be running while I visit.

The thing is I'm terrified. Utterly terrified and insecure. I can't get over this crippling doubt in my abilities, that I'm a total amateur. I think of all my shortcomings, how I don't have more money, more crew, more gear. I'm just one guy with a camera and an audio recorder, trying to tell a story. Who am I to think I could make a great film, or even a good one, or a mediocre one?

I'm afraid I'll come back from this an utter failure, without anything that could begin to make a film. I'll be that much poorer for my troubles, and I'll have just confirmed what I suspect everyone around me thinks: that I'm a loser and a failure through and through. I think about how I'm so lacking in every way, how ashamed I am that I haven't yet had a girlfriend, let alone a fiance or a wife to bring home to my parents, or to take out onto the town with some other couple. Just a sad person living alone trying to make films, films that no one sees. Trying to just do one thing well, and create something special and good for the world. Something to give back.

God please let this go well. God please let the anxiety go away, and let me do good work, and tell this story the way it ought to be told.

you attitude will make all the difference, and god won't.

I just feel so alone in this. I wish I had a team with me...somebody to say along the way, "You're doing fine, you're gonna make it." I wish had the strength, but I fear I don't.

I don't even know if this story is worth telling. I think it's a fascinating, rich story of an athlete's triumphs and failures, but I don't think many others are. What if I'm just wasting my time on another film no one will come to see? I've failed so much in life, I need a good success. Something to say I'm actually good.

Give yourself that pep talk. Don't get ahead of yourself, and think of how amazing you will feel once you accomplish your goal.

You've taken the leap already which is probably the hardest part of the job. Just go and concentrate on doing the job you need to do. Prepare your questions well. Don't worry if it doesn't go perfectly. No documentary does. Every film maker has the same anxieties.

It sounds like a good story. There is an audience for this kind of film.

You will do well. You've been preparing for this shoot for some time. You'll get what you need.

And don't worry if you don't think you are getting what you want during the shoot. I'm sure you've experienced this before, but it bares repeating; often you will feel like you are getting nothing and it takes some time before you realize what you've got. I've just been doing some photo shoots and every time I get back, I feel like everything is worthless. But after a day, when I look at the images again, I start to see the ones that work. Don't second guess yourself. Just pay attention to the job.

I don't know if it would help, but you can feel free to e-mail me if you need a pep talk. (Okay, yeah, I know I'm not always the most encouraging person around, but I know you can do this.). I've been where you are. I know it's hard. But you can do it.

Good luck.

Oh my gosh Brian. This is anxiety speaking. How do I know that? Because you are mixing your lack of romantic success into your doubts about your film project.

When a person is really working on a project the last thing on their mind is, "What's going on in my love life? Why isn't that going better?"

I have never made a film, but I did work in a creative field for 40 years that required constant visual attention. Each moment I was working was a moment I had no thought about divorce, boyfriends, or the fact that I lived and worked alone for 20 of the 40 years that I plied my craft. I only thought about that stuff when I wasn't working.

Your work when filming is almost purely visual (right brain). Right brain activity is totally absorbing and you know it, because you do it.

Hogwash. Mourning future failure is beyond pointless for artists. And we are never poorer for our troubles.

Your project is just like any project done by anyone. Each artist works in his craft, in good faith, and what is produced is the end result. The end result may be good, poor or indifferent. But, regardless of the merits of any given result, work done in good faith by any artist is never wasted effort; because it always advances the artist in his craft; even failures.


Glorifying future success; raising it's influence to the level that it will morph you into a different person in one fell swoop is pure fantasy. We improve step by small step. Success arrives on it's own inscrutable schedule, but never before a multitude of small steps in process.

You are full of anxiety but you are failing to humble yourself to the creative process. Denigrating yourself is just grandiose drama and it's not the same thing as humbling yourself to the creative process.

How does an artist humble himself to the creative process? You work your craft. Creating art is a physical task; you do it and do it again and do it again.....
That's how projects are completed and that's how every artist advances in his craft.

Right now forget about yourself. Think only about your project and packing. Humble yourself to your work; to your project.

God isn't going to fix your documentary for you.
Just work your ass off, stay organized.. get the shots you need, and some extra ones you don't.
Have an idea of what your documentary is trying to say, and get the athlete on board with that theme/idea.. ask him about it or whatever.
This is going to take a lot of work, but I'm assuming you know what it takes to make a documentary work if you're trying to make one..
Pray all you want, but it's up to you to do this.

That's just it. I'm so scared I don't have what it takes to do this film right. I'm terrified, because I see how good this story is, and what a great documentary it could be, and how easily I could f**k it all up. This athlete deserves the best filmmaker to tell his story, and instead he's got me.

I just feel so alone, because I don't feel like anyone really believes in me. My coworkers I think just regard it as a dalliance I'm doing in my off hours, and my parents I don't think have ever said to me, "You'll do great, we believe in you!" I've only got two friends I've talked to who have been supportive, but I just don't know if they're just saying that, because they're my friends.

I feel like, who am I to believe I should be the one to tell this story? Who am I to think I can tell a good story with a borrowed cam and no money or crew? I feel utterly alone.

I prayed last night that I would die in my sleep and all this worry would be gone forever. But there was no such deliverance, and I have to go on.

Just do the best you can. Let's be honest here, it's unlikely that your first documentary is going to be an international hit. BUT, the experience you gain will be invaluable and you will use it to make an even better one next time.
You're lucky enough to have the opportunity to work with someone who you believe has an amazing story to tell, just go with it. All you can do is plan as best you can and work your butt off for a few days/weeks, however long you're with him.

Good luck.

Honestly I'm beginning to wonder what the point of these threads are........

Briansrun, you make one of these melodramatic threads every time you have a date and every time you talk about documentary film making (a hobby you supposedly love.) The same thing always happens........You make a thread talking about how much of a pathetic loser you are and how much you want to die. We come in and tell you that you aren't and that you the real issue is your cripplingly low self image (not your singleness or film career.) And you respond by repeating the same self-defeating bull**** rants over and over.

You've done this countless times and nothing has changed. What's the point of making all these threads if you are never going to listen to the advice people give you?

I know this is the haven and I'm supposed to be supportive but the more you do this the harder it is to take seriously. These threads are getting redundent and pointless.........

Look you're right, I do this a lot. I just don't know how to escape this mindset. It's just that I feel I have so much to do, and so much to make up for, for all my failings in the past.

I feel such shame that I'm not the success my parents deserve, that I don't make more money, that my work doesn't get accepted by festivals, that I don't have a wife or even any prospects. I'm nearly thirty and I've been trying for so long to get my act together and make some strides to being a better, more successful person, so I can finally make up for all the mistakes of the past, but I just stumble, and feel terribly alone, wondering if I'll ever make a difference or do any good in this world.

I do love filmmaking...it's the one way I feel I've managed in the past to communicate with the world, to say there is more to me than an awkward guy with no fashion sense and no girlfriend. I love cinema to death. But I want to do the best I can, and when I fall short of my best, I hate myself for it. Just as I loved building models, and hated myself every time I botched some airbrushing, or applied too much glue and ruined a part.

This film, this story deserves to be told well, but what if I'm not the one to tell it?

If you're trying to make a difference in the world you're going to have to make documentaries about much more controversial topics...
And f**k what your parents think. You're 28 years old, you could be a father of a 10-12 year old child by now. You're old enough to stop seeking approval from people and just do what you want to do.
As for what that is, I can't tell you.. to me, it sounds like you sort of enjoy making documentaries but you're still viewing it as "work" and not so much a passion... or perhaps I'm wrong and you're just miserable in your personal life so it leaks over into your professional life.
Either way, you just need to do whatever it is you believe to be valuable. If other people don't see it that way, then you need to either do what you do but develop it into something even better.. or do something else that will bring you an income to support/have a family etc..

You also sound like a perfectionist. Which can be good, but not if you get down on yourself for not being perfect.
The best film makers and documentary makers (to my knowledge) did not do their best work in their 20s.. art is something that must be developed over time.
Try your best, and accept that this may just be experience and learning towards whatever it is you're really meant to do.

But again, if your goal is to change the world, and there are documentaries out there that really do rock the foundations... it has to be something controversial and quite unlike anything else out there. I'm not saying you're wasting your time or you shouldn't do this documentary, I'm sure there's a demand for it in the athletic community which I am not a part of so I can't really know for sure...
Just stop demanding perfection from yourself.

You have won an Emmy for one of your past projects. That's more than 99.999999999999% of other filmakers have done.

Really?
What the hell is the point of this then..

The point is that nothing he does will ever be good enough for him. He's got a career job in an industry that he excels in and likes (that's something that very few people in this economy can say.) He's athletic, healthy and not bad looking at all but none of that really matters. He will never be satisfied because his standards for himself are unreasonable.

Frankly I've been there not too long ago. This time last year I was recently diagnosed, clinicaly depressed and lonely. I thought finding a better job, a car, a more active social life and a girlfriend would solve my issues. Flashforward 8 months later and I had all those things and more......... I still wasn't happy......... It wasn't until I realized that the problem was me and my attitude that I started to take the real steps to feel better about myself. It's human nature to never be satisfied with your lot in life but with a little psychological introspection (in my case tarot cards and neo-druidic philosophy) a person can realize those tendencies and defy them. Briansrun, you don't need a world renowned documentary or sex, you need therapy..........

Sounds to me like the #1 thing that may hinder your success is your anxiety. Have you considered trying to get on anti-anxiety meds? I can personally attest that they help tremendously, but I would only recommend them if your anxiety really is hindering you (which it clearly appears to be)