Feel distant from my parents

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Timber
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Age: 35
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22 Mar 2013, 6:34 am

This isn't about aspergers specifically but is is to do with having social issues.
Some personal stuff happened to me a long time ago, and I subsequently had to deal with many years getting used to it, and still deal with the psychological issues. I don't feel my parents handled it well at all with me, they tried to avoid it and never talked about with me. As a result that only made it a bigger problem. For a long time I internalised these attitudes and couldn't talk properly about it to anyone. As a child whenever it was brought up, after I talked about it I would have to go off somewhere alone and cry. I really needed the support of my parents then, I really needed to talk about it as a child in a safe and non-judgmental environment. But if I brought it up with my dad, he was likely to become explosively argumentative, and if I brought it up with my mum, sometimes she said there was nothing she could do about and implied I was being wussy and I had to just get over it and forget it, even though it was a huge deal and not just something you get over, it's something you never get over.

Why I bring this up is because I watched a tv show recently with someone going through the same thing, but their parent behaved diametically different from my parents, the parent was talking about it, reassuring the child, promising the child things would get better. It was a shock for me to see that because I realised that's what my parents should have been doing. During my teenage years I felt myself drifting away from them emotionally, because I went through some separate issues and they were dismissive of it. How can you talk to your parents when they don't even acknowledge the subject matter exists or is affecting you? I don't take my issues to them anymore because I don't get any support or constructive advice. I'd sooner seek the advice of a doctor or therapist or someone. It seems like my parents had a big 'don't rock the boat' policy when they were raising me. I feel offended that they cared more about appearing normal than actually being responsive to their kid's problems. I recently moved out for university and I'm disinclined to visit home, or to have my parents contact me now. I have nothing to say to them anymore. I still struggle with certain things psychologically and my parents are no source of support. I feel angry because I never talked about it to anyone, and I feel like I'm going to struggle with it for the rest of my life.



bluecurry
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22 Mar 2013, 7:36 am

Honestly, I went through exactly what you are describing at several points in my life. I wound up chalking it up to "I know it sucks, but sometimes you can't depend on certain people". At least you have your therapists and councilors to talk to.



MjrMajorMajor
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22 Mar 2013, 8:10 am

I know the feeling. I love my parents, but that's not where I'd turn to for any form of support. To their credit, they have changed a lot over the years. I find myself jealous of my little sister sometimes, because they are very supportive of her choices and interests. We're very similar in a lot of ways, but it was such a battleground for me.



KateUher
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22 Mar 2013, 8:11 am

This sounds exactly like my life. Obviously I don't know what happened to you, but you're parent's don't rock the boat attitude was exactly the same as my own. I don't think I fully started to process everything until I was away at Uni. I journalled a lot. I wrote all the things I wish I could say to them. This will sound stupid, but I got a picture of my mom (a really unflattering one) and put a band aid over her mouth and looked at it as I journalled. I know that might sound deranged, but I couldn't talk to her about the past without her interrupting and cutting me off. This was my way of giving myself security that she would be quiet while I unloaded.

And you can't move on from something before you've been allowed to feel it and it sounds like your parents tried to keep you from feeling it. What ever "it" was. I would suggest you keep your distance for a while and go through it now, and give yourself the affirmation that they should have given you. For me this process took months and even after I thought I had worked through everything I found that my memories would still resurface and the anger would still be there. I think the best you can do is to get some time away and after you feel like you've worked through something decide for yourself where you want to go. You can always write them and explain your feelings, you can eve discontinue the relationship, or maybe one day you can forgive them. But I don't think you should feel bad for needing time away.


_________________
Kate Uher

Author of "The Gifts of Autism, an A-Z" (A children's book)
and "Disappearing Girl" (Another ASD memoir) https://thesensitivityspectrum.com/writing/