I'm going through a tough time. BPD stuff. TL DR rant.

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I have a girl in my life; shes smart, odd, cute, passionate about her hobbies. We arn't 'together' , but we both are attracted to each other and spend a few days every week together. I'm writing this with my macbook on the pillow above her sleeping head so she doesnt wake up and turn to see this.

My last gf broke up with me 6 months ago...and I was devastated for a month. Slowly, I recovered and got my life back together- met Jenny and work 40 hours a week while saving as much as I can...I thought I'm over my ex (shes my best friend now off travelling for a year or two. I'll likely see her once more in Aug, but that may be the last time I see her ). ..but, Ive just repressed my pain.
I woke up from a bad dream mins ago...one was a childhood friend who I hardly see due to going to diff high schools and then living in diff states. He's a big part of my childhood and I love the guy..in this dream he appeared on my bed and I had all the letters I wrote to my ex and her letters to me hidden under my bed. I shoved them under deeper out of some fear my guy friend would find them. He then (with an invisible force) kept me down as I tried to stop him from grabbing the letters from under the mattress. He got them, looked at them, looked awkward , looked sad, averted his eyes and waslked out.

Next I was in my parents house. There were ppl inside -of my ex and three ppl I know. Basically everyone pissed me off and I rdered them to get out. As they were outside readying happily to get into some car...my ex was sitting on a wall with some flowers in her hands. I went to her, almost in a begging-like manner- "Natalie, Natalie!". She had a smile on, but i Knew it wasnt for me. she was smiling because she loves her new life in Hawaii (Im from Hawaii-we went in Sept, she stayed , dumped me and is in love with a much older guy). . She looked at me, so she saw me then looked past me, her eyes were blank but she was happy. She was picking at the flowers and said, "let me revel in the glory of spring!"...She was in front of me, but I cou;d tell she was far away..not in the same world was me. I weakly , desperatley went "love me.." and I woke up sobbing. I can't tell my female interest why im crying- it's so messed up that I'm here cuddled up with her and am still madly in love with my ex. My ex loves me so much, but she wasn't in love with me. The girl I'm seeing now really loves me, but I only like her...isn't that cruel?

I have borderline Persoanlity Disorder...repressed abuse I forgot about, narcessistic mother, weak dad, best friend died in the Iraq war, obesity, three other friends died in the last 3 years to accidents, rejection from peers and females all my teen life. I 'm better now, I make friends, I meet women...but I'm still afraid of being hurt by women..because women were the only onees to hurt me deeply. When males rejected me , it was dejecting, but not hurtful. I always learned from beaing beaten and always worked toward inadaquacies ...and overcome them..thats how I got better in life. I used to be an obese shut in watching tv and playing games all day. Since the day I left my parents when I was 17 (23 now), I've worked to support myself 100%, am fit, put my self thru 1/2 of college, travelled to Israel, ermany, Italy, Japan, Canada, several US states, had very very attractive gfs, even been in love now (unrequited by my ex, but I never thought I would) ...all things that I used to only dreeam of happening when I was a shut in agorophobic, pppl phobic obese teen. That should be a victory...but it's like I wont be satisfied until I achieve everything I want socially and romantically.

I suceed at every job, always being promoted, never fired...18 men, older , attractive 'alpha' types to younger guys have told me in private that they think I'm a better man than they are and that they hope theycan be like me one day...I treated everyone exactly the same, I try to be kind and help whenever I can, I truely believe in love and how I can help others, I respect people, but when I'm transgressed on I fight back with deadly force. In college 5 of my friends were attacked in a drunken party fight...they got mobbed by 16 friends of some guy who my friend was arguing with. I was the quiet guy in the group, but when saw my friends bein kciked on the ground helplessly outnumbered I was enraged. I was drunk so I dont remember much, but ppl there told me I went into beserker mode screaming, " You mess with my friends, you mess with me. " I ran into 4 guys, and was getting hit in the face repeatedly (raged out and numb so no pain for me). One after the other I punched them out, then took out 2 more guys by myself...the rest of them ran across the street looking at their unconcious friends at my feet. Incidents like that (most on a much smaller, less intense scale) have deeply impacted ppl and what they think of me. I don't talk much, but apparently I mean something very special to a great many ppl, even ppl I only knew for a year and never seen again.

18 guys I wished I look like, i wished I could be social and smooth like have told me I gave them some hope for themselves...idk why. I don't think I'm good at anything, I 've been dumped by every gf I've had cuz they dont get my AS, and even when they do , it doesnt work for them. Two said they love me, but they arnt sexually attracted to me because I'm Asian (they were white)...that left me feeling helpless.

I dont think I'm good enough to be looked up to...yet the very types of guys/friends I wished I was like tell me they wish they could be strong like me...if they only knew how weak I am, how sad I am...I dont think of myself as having low self esteem, but if I think others are stupid for wanting to have my courage (out of necessity), my morals (out of fear cus I cant be aggressive/suave like my male friends, I hide by being polite and proper cuz I CANT BE SEXUALLY SUAVE", they think I CHOOSE to be this way), my work ethic ( again, Im a scatter brain, feel dumb so I compensate by orking at everything 100%.) and speak eloquently (I dont choose this, its just how I talk..I heard a lot of AS ppl do this)....it makes me mad that the guys I want to be like want to be like me and think I'm a better man than them. They dont know I'm the things they are not because I'm spiting the fact that I can't be like them or look like them (I'm Asian American).

I'm my own enemy...and my 'enemies' are in reality my real friends. I actually gather men and women that I percieve to be better than me in some way...they are my friends. For the men, I emulate and internalize their reasoning, actions (If I agree wwith them) because want the types of women they attract. For female friends, they are all attractive and rather tall. I'm not jealous of the guys they date, and I do love them as friends...but I know I'm good to them because they are beautiful, and I'm really studying them to learn about the differences between thoughts of women who are diff ethnicities, economic backgrounds, religous /non religious- our friendship is secondary...but I can still confidently say I care about they a lot. I don't like women, but I love women....a pattern started by my mom...sigh..how Fruedian. I see my friends as objects to gain knowledge from, ppl who I want to be like, or in my female friends case, WHO I WANT. Because Ive operated like this since I was 15 (23 now), I've actually leap frogged years ahead from leraning from ppl I consider top dog (males) or beautiful, smart , kind women (who I want to attract.) Now, gals who I would have been excited over in my teens are no longer ' good enough' for me despite being cute or smart...they now come to me because I've learned from my friends who are more attractive, confident, smart than I ...and now I am attractive to a fair amount of women. I realizeed I'm a closet narcissist because I actually like some women, but secretly think they are not good looking enough, or too boring/dumb ....even though I'm not good looking myself.

I think what I am doing is a deeply veiled reality representing the phrase, ' keep your friends close, your enemies closer'. I dont like tall, handsome, confident guys because I feel like I cant compete with them. ..yet my friends are those kinds of guys. I'm afraid of tall, beautiful, or cute and smart women because those were the types who never looked at me twice, the kinds that I dated in the last 3 years (my stoic, philosophical, proper, odd personality was the reason, not my physicaly face or body) and dumped me because they wernt attracted to me sexually...yet those types are my closest female friends.

I do genuienly love em all, male and female, but I know I do view them as objects to a certain extent. I feel like I'm hiding out amongst the 'enemy' to learn their secrets of sucess/attractiveness. It's like, im secretly jeolous of them, but I love them. Its Stockholm Syndrome.

I am a narcessist..and I want to change.

my rant is over. thank you for allowing me to express myself and rant here
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I think what you need to realize is that everyone is the center of thier own little universe and that doesn't make anyone a narcisist........and those "confident" people that you admire and look up to who say they wish they could be just like you........Are just as self centered and insecure as you are. They may be insecure about different things but deep down they are the same.