Do you feel that people expect you to try harder than others

Post Reply New Topic

At work I feel that people exclude me from their conversations and their clique. I even went as far as mentioning this to my line manager who told me "you get out of socialising what you put in".

That seems fair enough but I find that I have to force my way into any conversation. I'm not included naturally. I could understand this the first few times but don't people ever get the message that I want to be part of the group?

The one thing that people at work do know about me is that I like movies but this is is a subject that is very rarely every discussed, except oddly when I'm away from my desk. It's not uncommon for me to come back to my desk to find people discussing something I might be interested in but nobody ever asks me "Hey Dave, what do you think?" If I try to start a conversation on something I'm interested in it tends to get stamped out quickly; either the talk just does out or someone talk right over me about something else.

I often used to ask other people about their interests and activities and I would get a brief reply but the interest was not returned. I've given up now.

Recently I was off work for a week and on my return not one person asked how I was (I usually ask people if they are better when they have been off sick). My colleagues knew I was off with back problems (because an email had gone round about it) so they can't have been worried that I was off with something potentially terminal or embarrassing that they might feel uncomfortable asking about.

In fact I'm giving up interacting with people at work more and more and I've become virtually mute. I'm not even saying "good morning" or "goodnight" because people stopped saying it to me. It feels like I'm having to grovel for any little bit of attention or interaction.

These same colleagues just fall over themselves to include other people in their clique though.

It's making me very depressed.

Can anybody relate to this?

I find that these situations cannot be taken personally.

Feeling excluded in social and work settings used to bug the hell out of me.

Through a couple years of therapy, I learned to be comfortable with myself and my social awkwardness. It's perfectly fine for me to not be the "social butterfly", and I don't have to feel bitter about that.

Oddly enough, accepting my limitations has changed my social environment for the better. A few people I know in the 12-step circles have claimed that I am now a lot easier to approach and talk to than I was two years ago.

And for the people who aren't interested in my input? Well, there are billions of people in the world. Out of those billions, there has to be a few that are interested in what I have to say. No use in feeling bad when somebody brushes me off - although I will admit, maintaining that attitude is a lot easier said than done.

Being a part of any particular group is not a prerequisite for a happy life. If one group is not interested, find another one that would work as a potential social outlet. I personally found a group of NTs that are as obsessed with cinema as I am, and it's worked out great for me.

That's what has worked for me, anyway. I've been where you are now before.

YES, I can totally relate to this. Been there, it sucks. Not so much today, where I am more welcomed in circles and what not, but that's a product of both my efforts and the culture. If you get stuck with a "high school never ended" culture in your organization, you could be up for a real hair-pulling and tooth-pulling challenge.

I don't think people necessarily expect you to "try harder" - if anything, they might want you to back off more. I don't think it's so much the quantity and intensity of attempts you make to blend into the clique, it's the quality of them - by their yardstick - which often means coming across as "natural", which means exhibiting all the right non-verbals and timing and what not, something that we can't really "try" for because so much of it is spontaneous and ingrained, it's not like studying for an exam or training for a tournament or whatever. It seems that there comes a "point of no return" where they've already made up their mind about you. Believe me, I've had moments where I psyched myself up the day or morning before and even practiced in front of the mirror but it was no guarantee, sometimes I would get "deluded" by the momentum I'd created and end up making an error and looking somewhat foolish, thus gaining no more distance than I had 24 hrs ago.

Oh yes, I can totally relate to this. All the time through primary and secondary school, and even in the first couple years of university. I didn't feel though that they expect me to try harder. I wasn't diagnosed back then, so I had no clue, what the problem could be. It seemed to come so naturally to everyone else, to be part of a group, to blend in. I just didn't get it.

But later I was lucky, I ended up in groups, where social cues are not important, or where everyone has such a different background, that social cues don't match up for everyone: one was, when I was living in a very international community during a year studying abroad. We were all different, but had the same problems/issues and this bound us together.
The other group is related to my field of studies: mathematicians. I know it's a prejudice, but to some extend it is justified, there are many oddballs among mathematicians, the community is diverse and international. This creates a very open atmosphere, in general people are allowed their oddities.
There are still situations, when I feel I don't get the hang of what is going on, I am not part of whatever group. For example, when I attended a conference for female mathematicians - such female clustering creates in my experience a very weird group dynamic, one I am totally not compatible with. But it doesn't bother me anymore.

It's strange... people expect so much more from me than the rest of the group - in any job I've ever gone to!! It's bizarre!

If I did the same 12 work files as the others, the numbers are not mentioned by management as they pat the heads of their favorites and I get scolded for not doing enough. I increase production - it's still "not enough".
At the end of the month and all the files are reviewed, they get back entire bins that have errors and need to be re-done, excused with "don't worry about it". I get back 3 lousy folders to their 30 and I'm chastised and publicly humiliated.
I'm not only getting MORE work done than the others, I'm also recognized by the recipients as having far better quality than the others doing sloppy, poor work. All the while, my team and managers claim to be so superior...

...are they insane? Can't they see the total logic error? That their reasoning is not based on the evidence directly in front of them???

*sigh*

I need my moon base and nuke launcher. You guys can come stay with me.

For me, they expect the same results (or more, because I'm smart and talented) without realising how much more effort it takes for me.