Dinner with a side course of meltdown

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My mom called me yesterday and said, "Hey, want to go out for dinner?"

It seemed innocent enough, so I agreed and we went to a pub downtown. I hated that place as soon as I walked in. It was too loud and drunk guys would flirt with the women who were at other tables. I think the drinks got to their heads.

My sister came and my brother was at college out of state, but all throughout the meal + waiting for it, I would turn away to blink or do anything like a tic. my tics get worse the more overwhelmed and overloaded I get.

I excused myself to the bathroom and it was a one-person bathroom and I exploded into tics and before I knew it, I was rocking in a corner. My dad, who was looking for a good excuse to get out of the house, offered me food in an attempt to calm me down (I was still ticcing when I came out of the bathroom). I ate everything he gave so he wouldn't have any food and we would have to leave.

My sister caught me after we had left and our parents had, and I hugged her and said I was sorry that the night was ruined because of me. She told me that no one was blaming me and I couldn't help but feel bad for her and my parents. I just took the subway back to my dorm and stimmed. I just couldn't help it.

I feel like s*** and I still don't know what I can say to my parents. What should I do?

_________________
exams.

Only 1 1/2 more weeks of school and procrastination.

I love meltdowns. They taste best with mushroom sauce.

It sounds like your family handled everything ok. I hope they are not complete strangers to your condition. While I am guessing they might have felt slight irritation, it is probably not near as much as the disdain you feel for yourself.

I feel like crap too when I have a meltdown, especially in front of my kids. I yelled at one of them the other day and was loud enough to make him cry (he's 9). I had passed the morning at a crowded cub scout fair, with too much noise , too many sounds, too much to see, and people too close together, and trying to keep track of my two children. In spite of me popping an anti anxiety med, I was knackered by the end of it. I was holding his hand so he wouldn't run into the large, busy parking lot (this was at a sports stadium), and he kept asking me over,and over, and over, and over again if he could play video games. I finally turned around and said "You are NOT GOING TO PLAY THEM!! ! STOP ASKING ME!!" He started bawling, and I just felt like the worst person in the world.

You may want to call your parents, and just flat out ask them if they were irritated. Once they tell you, leave it at that. When I'm not sure if I've read someone right, I tend to lock onto asking if they are mad at me. Perhaps also ask them if you can pick the place to meet up next time you're all together.

While it's normal to feel chagrin when you do something you're not proud of, try not to beat yourself up over it.
Sending a hug (but only if you like those!)

Charissa

I think we all do it from time to time. Some of my more memorable ones were:

shopping with friends who were taking WAY too long, and then we went to a restaurant, and I randomly started crying in the middle of the meal.

Went to a heavy metal concert in Istanbul with my now-ex and I held it together while we were in there even though it's not my thing, but when we got out my ears were ringing and we were on a very crowded street. I was the most disoriented I had ever been, and I bawled all the way home. I was so scared because if I had lost my husband in the crowd there is no way I would have been able to get myself back to our hotel or get help from anyone, since I don't speak Turkish.

One time I went to WalMart, which always results in over-stimulation, to get something I needed for dinner. I came home and started to make dinner, only to realize the new can opener I had just bought wouldn't work, and I would have to go back to that dreadful store to get a new one before I could eat...and I was getting to that point where my hunger was limiting my ability to function as well. Then my son asked for some juice, and just as I was trying to hand it to him, he started spinning and knocked the glass out of my hand. I went off...crying, screaming. It was bad enough that my son curled up in a little ball and hubby had to finish making dinner while I rested.

Long story short, your family should be able to understand that meltdowns happen and they are not something you can control, so an apology should be sufficient. If they understand what a meltdown is and what causes them (and this may be an opportunity for you to educate them if they don't ) they are probably interested in helping you through them, as I'm sure they don't want you to suffer. Believe me, as awkward as a meltdown is for the people around us, it's way worse for us than it is them.

So you know not to go there again. I tried to go out on Sunday and had to turn around and walk out after less than 3 minutes. Best to avoid a situation than put yourself through this.

Next time you get to go say "can we go somewhere quieter than the last place, that was a terrible experience for me"

Find somewhere you would like to go to and suggest this place or invite the family to go there.

Do not be too hard on yourself, it's not worth it.