not worth it

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Last time I came here I was in a "happy" relationship. Ha. Seriously, if you're in a monogamous relationship with someone, it's just you and them, not you, them and your mother. So glad I left him and his mum and their drama.

Anyway, this is going to sound really really stupid and I am probably going to get flamed to high hell and I deserve it, but I need to spill to someone. Before I met my ex, there was this football player I looked up to. I forgot about him while I was with my ex, but my admiration of him resurfaced when I got out of the toxic relationship.

This is where it gets nuts. Thanks to this football team, I have a social life. I have friends. The only thing I really want is to be able to get a job that is near where this team is (currently a lot of hours away, doesn't stop me from getting to games). I have met this player a few times, I have even sponsored him. He's a really nice guy, and always makes time to say hi to me at public training sessions and reserve grade games (and even gave me a kiss on the cheek once, but I put that down to being excited about winning an award). It's so stupid, I shouldn't be "in love" with him, but I can't help it. He IS single yes, but it will never happen so I don't know why I even try. I try to tell myself sometimes that it's not like he's the most popular player on the team (actually, most "fans" want him dropped after every game, even though he's really good, just not flashy). He just gets in and works his guts out. I hate getting obsessed. It makes me feel like a dirty person who is infringing upon another person, even though I only see him at official club functions like the aforementioned training sessions, reserves games and other planned club functions, and he always seems pleased to see me.

And don't get me started on how I still feel around my new friends. Why won't this stupid invisible barrier ever go down? I met these people online, but they were the ones who approached me in real life and introduced themselves to me and let me join them. Why do I still feel like I don't belong when they have clearly accepted me? Everyone always says I'm "inspirational", well I'm NOT! I'm lonely, and scared, and I want to die so I stop polluting this world that doesn't deserve something as horrid as me.

Listening to my "Over It" playlist on my phone, I don't want to be happy. I just want to stop. And the worst thing is? Aforementioned football player makes me happy. He makes me not care if we ever get romantic, he just makes me want to fight on and work my guts out. Especially after an incident at work where I was told if I did extra work on a project I would get a transfer to where I want to live. The day I handed in the work was the day I found out someone else got my transfer. He makes me want to go on which is at odds with my complete self-loathing. And worst of all, if he knew...he'd probably try and help me.

Oh no...not this music...

Anyway, thank you for reading.

I don't see why you'd be flamed. I think obsessions in general are typical of AS. Even when towards people we fall for.

You're single, nothing wrong with being inspired by someone you have a crush on.

You met him before you thought of your ex right? Who cares. You were loyal and faithful to your ex and he let someone apparently come between what should be a two person relationship.

Just my two cents.

Yeah, I just think of how awful it would feel when you realised someone is obsessed with you. I'd hate for him to find out and for it to negatively affect his life somehow (although to his credit, he's pretty good at not letting things faze him most of the time, the award winning being the obvious exception).



Yeah, I added in my ex purely for context. He's happy with a new bird now I think. At least in the "divorce" (LOL) settlement I got the cats.

Ad even though I know it's wrong, I still can't wait until the next training session to see him.

Well I'm just stupid stupid stupid.

The footy club held a comp on twitter giving away passes to a play about footy (which was actually quite funny) and I entered thinking I'd see HIM on the night. I didn't. I built up so much stupid expectation.

He's not mine. He never will be mine. He's just nice to me because I paid money to sponsor him, he probably hates my guts. He's club champion now, girls are probably flocking all over him.

I have to stay away from him. Every time I speak to him he gives me hope. Not for "us", but for life in general. He makes me believe stupid things like having a social life, being able to go out without feeling like I shouldn't be there.

It might be okay to come to acceptance of it, or if you're bold you can ask him out. I was in a similar situation when I was younger, sometimes its hard to get over. Does he know you're available since you and your ex broke up?




I think thats a good mentallity to have, i've been feeling like i've had hope socially lately.. I think its something to hold on to whether or not you keep in contact with this person.




I don't think it'd affect him that bad, plus he could really only find out if you tell him. Probably the best thing to know for you tho is if this is a crush or infatuation. Infatuations are in my opinion people you feel strongly for but don't know much about (Common interests, hopes, dreams, their last name etc) Crushes you probably know a little bit better and have chemistry with and are legitimate romantic prospects.

I mean.. like always putting yourself out there, you could have hurt feelings or maybe a legitimate chance with this guy. 50/50

Yeah, it's fairly obvious. We chatted a fair bit at the player sponsorship function the Club held (apart from a dodgy taste in music and video games, he's pretty cool lol).



Except I'm a complete dud going out (especially by myself, usually I'm okay if I go with others). I don't belong. And going to the Theatre last night (alone, admittedly) made me realise that I am not suited to his world at all (as much as I love the Theatre, I don't do so well at Intermission, I usually just sit down somewhere and hide behind my programme or if I'm lucky enough to be with someone chat with them).



There's putting yourself out there, and then there's being a desperate fangirl. He's a footy player for a team that's on TV every weekend. And the one thing my ex hated about me was my social awkwardness at big occasions (his mother thought it would be the end of his career!). I can't see myself at big events on the red carpet without doing something dreadful (Although the last few Club functions I've been to have been very, VERY good. It's becoming less of a chore to go to them, it seems that I now always have someone to talk to!).

Like I said, it doesn't help that he does go out of his way to say "hi" to me at training sessions and functions, it makes me think that he really does like me as a person (in the end does it really matter whether I end up with him or not? He's still amazing). Certainly him kissing me on the cheek probably put false hope into my head, as did him taking me aside later to thank me for sponsoring him (it's not like I donated a kidney or anything).

I just don't think I deserve to be as happy as this guy makes me, and I'm terrified of doing something stupid because he's given me the hope that I can do it and it comes off all wrong.

Repealed.

You deserve happiness. You just went through a hard time.

I'm not trying to say that I think dating this football player is completely realistic for pretty much anyone, but I think as long as you have separation of reality and fantasy, you'll be fine.

I forgot how safe Wrong Planet is. No one cares if you're obsessed here, as long as you don't hurt anyone.

I feel very safe as long as I have the Wrong Planet forum open. I almost feel like it's okay to want him.

Going to a training session on Monday. Going to see him.

I feel guilty and happy at the same time.

Didn't get to speak to him today...and I was about to use it as ammo to get rid of these horrid feelings once and for all...then I found out that he'd been in press conferences after training, which explains why I didn't get to say hi, instead of an intentional snub.

Bleh. I'm trying to convince myself that he wouldn't give a damn if I stopped supporting him, but everyone I've spoken to reckons he'd be upset.

I don't know why, but I changed my username on the footy website to lionsfankezza instead of (playername)fankezz, it's not like I'm ever going back there.

I do not belong in that world. I am a freak. I am too different and I might hurt someone again.

Thank god I remembered that.

I am never going to be with that player. I am not Sonic the Hedgehog. I do not belong in their world.

Sorry if my rants are boring, I just need to vent.

Another vent.

Every time I go to a training session he freaking stares at me. Even Mum noticed him doing it.

Either he's interested or he wants me to go away I guess...

I'm fairly new to the forum and just read your story. I can't say I know why he is noticing you now, but I wonder if there is a way you could ask.

I am just guessing, thinking outloud. My impression is that he thinks of you as a supportive fan, though as a specific person & not just a generic fan. I think if he became interested in getting to know you better and maybe starting a relationship he would approach you and try to initiate it.

Having fans is probably a strange feeling until you get used to it, but probably includes knowing that some fans are infatuated with you. But it is a very normal situation and probably half or more of us have public people (entertainers, musicians, atheletes, etc.) we admire or are infatuated with.

I think in such a situation it is best to try and accept that being a supportive fan is as far as it is goes. If that is enough then continue, and you can hope for small token exchanges as might happen from time to time. But if you find yourself always having greater expectations and disappointments then it may be best to let it go for the time being until such time as you no longer feel the desire for more then that.