For real, totally disregard me right now

Post Reply New Topic

I think I am actually losing my mind. For real, not a metaphor. Stress of stuff at home, the change, my Mother's health declining and her mental capacity along with it (she made me her target person for rage), the hormonal ups and downs, the lack of meds or way to get any meds, dealing with not knowing from day to day which husband will be coming home from work - the nice one or the a**hole one personality wise, worrying about this crap my son's involved in, missing Ole Boy, worrying about whether or not my neighbor will or won't call the dog catcher on my dogs cause she don't like hybrids, seeing my best friend go through s**t cause of her AB boyfriend, all that just adds up to more than the usual daily BS.

So therefore, I'm having a nervous breakdown.

I am usually the nicest person you would ever want to meet but lately I've been the biggest b***h ever. There are times when that is appropriate, but I'm one when it's NOT appropriate. The littlest things just set me right off. Someone was suggesting that I was drunk before and I can see how you could think that. If I was drunk then, I would write it off to the alcohol and not be concerned, just stop drinking for a while. But I wasn't drinking. That's what scares me. I was like that stone cold sober and normal. That's not right!

I don't have health insurance and so if I go see Dr John it would cost me more than I can afford, plus prescriptions, plus the fact he's not a psych he's family practice and would just send me to a psych in Tusc which I can't afford either. We have this one mental health place in town but it's only got a doctor one day a month and they are booked solid for six months in advance and only day to day run by a social worker who is my oldest son's ex girlfriends older sister, and I don't really think that I want to pour my heart out to her since I've bought her alcohol when she was underage and she threw up on my front yard in her underwear one night when the kids had a party and they came and woke me up to go get her inside and deal with her. So, no. She's not exactly the person I would go to for advice on being normal in the head.

So, I pretty much don't know what to do. This past month has been hell on me. I've had a period THE ENTIRE TIME. I'm serious. There was not one day this month where I wasn't bleeding. I feel sick and weak all the time, but it's just the change so there is nothing a doctor can do. My hormones have been all over the place. One day I'm Suzy freaking Homemaker June Cleaver and the next I'm the Three Faces of Eve or Sybil.

I remember how crazy my mother went when they put her in the change cause she got a hysterectomy and how upset I was at the time about it. I didn't understand, I wasn't but 16. She laid in bed and threw things and yelled. That's what I feel like doing right now.

I'm just absofuckinglutely freaking horrible! I'm aware of this fact.

Shneek I'm sorry I got so mad about that about you. I don't much like you but that was inexcusable how I reacted.

I honestly don't know what the hell I should do. When my husband finally goes to work for the company, rather than the temp agency, six months later we will get insurance. Then maybe, if I'm not in f*****g prison by then, I can get my meds. I may very well need something stronger and different than just Welbutrin and Lexapro. I might seriously need Seroquil or Thorozine or something. Cause if I'm crazy now, by then I'll be stark raving need to be put in a rubber room crazy.

If you can't tell, my hormones are ok at this second. At this second. That's the thing. I have NO CLUE when they will just go all crazy out of whack and turn me into some freaking tornado again. It happens just like that (finger snap sound effect) and when it does, it can go on for minutes or hours or even days.

So, I'm saying this in advance. Please disregard me when I get that way. It's just the change and I'm hoping it'll be over soon. I also have bad physical side effects with it that you don't want to know about but I'm pretty sure the girls here can guess what they are. I've tried to kill myself before because I was depressed, but I'm actually starting to consider it now because I'm not sure what kind of crazy I will be from one day to the next and I'm worried about what I might do or say. It actually might be the safest thing for all involved. I'm not yet though, really. I'm going to try and give this crap some time to get over with.

I'm not saying excuse my behavior, I'm saying please know why I'm like this.

I always thought that a nervous breakdown was an instant thing. Like one minute you are ok and the next you are just sitting there drooling and thinking you are a possum or something. It's not. That's the torture of it. It takes a while. It's a long and drawn out process and the person is actually aware it's going on while it's going on but they are helpless to do anything about it.

So yeah. That's whats up with me.

Rest assured I'm fluent enough in subtext to ignore anything which might have offended me and grasp at your point. You're absolutely correct that nothing falls apart quickly or unobtrusively, and owning one's predicament while maintaining concern for anyone else is not only honorable, it's damn near superhuman. Forgive yourself for being scared; counterphobia is what happens when our kind gets backed into a corner, and by definition it's the most altruistic and mind expanding issue anyone conscious can explore. You aren't the only sharp tongue on WP and we won't be the last. I'm only hours past a similar tipping point in social thinking, but damned if that didn't imbue the courage of conviction to tell you this: If you want me to rattle off everything I do to quell such inner storms, I can and will. Ostracism is biological, but so are we, and this misanthropic, alleged megalomaniac of a lifelong geek is over prepared to talk you out of anything. Or I'll have a drink with you by webcam.

In closing: Give your dogs a hug, your dumb neighbor will come around eventually.

Hell, tell me what you do then Cberg, I'm very open to any suggestion at all right now. I'm at the point where I'll do anything to fix this crazy.

I appreciate it very much.

I had a hard time with perimenopause, too. I finally went to a specialist, who wanted to put me on birth control pills as hormone replacement therapy. I was like "I could have gone to Planned Parenthood and gotten BCPs for $20 a month!" I wonder if Planned Parenthood might be an option for you?

That's an idea, but there isn't one in town. Baptists. The only one I know of is in Bham. Although I could probably get my daughters doctor to give her birth control pills and take them. She is one of those who has decided to be a virgin until she gets married, although she isn't religious at all. The kids all have Medicaid.

That's actually a good idea. I have to take her this coming week to get her Lexapro refilled anyway, so I think I might do that. Thank you so much for putting that idea in my head!! For real hugs!

You're welcome! Hope it helps til you can get some insurance. Hormonal craziness is an awful feeling.

Many many women use hormone replacement pills to deal with the hormonalism (is that a word?) of menopause. I think a general practitioner can prescribe hormone pills in most states. What you're feeling is definitely hormones. You need HRT. Go to a doctor and ask for hormone pills. You should be able to get generics for very cheap.

Disclaimer: cberg is most likely not a middle aged woman, you know, unless that's what you'd like to imagine.

For one thing, I drink LOTS of tea (not in terms of brew strength); loose leaf, unsweetened unless I have a cough, and varietals chosen for middling caffeine content. Jitters never helped anyone, and if you stick with this on a daily basis espresso is more bang for your buck. Furthermore, conventional tea is proven to lightly activate receptivity in your pineal gland, which usually eases at least some aspects of crazy family life (plenty of crazy over here). Yes, there is physical evidence making literal the concept of 'open mindedness', but I'm not one to tell you to do your homework there. The only non-herbal supplement I take is melatonin for insomnia, which if you haven't tried, stands to show you the best night of sleep of your life - just be careful not to build a tolerance. Herbal relaxant/sedative/neurochemical precursor teas are also lifesavers - you can find lots of blends based on these, listed in order of approximate strength: Valerian, Kava, Lion's Tail (GABA inhibitor; leoneurine - careful, it's crazy bitter), Eluthero, Chamomile, Spearmint, Rosehips, Lemongrass etc. I'm sure you could think of more.

Anticlimax: The other thing that's essential to my well being is mountains. When I can't bike or ski, I night hike, and when I can't do that I study technology until my face falls off. If you don't have an adrenaline or cardio intensive way of getting fresh air, it's always possible to find one. Always. That's well over half of what I use my car for. Air quality can play havoc on any chemical imbalance, so a bit of incense goes a long way if you live in or near a city.

*hugs*

Hope everything works out for you in the end, OOM.

There are some herbs for menopause,motherwort and wild yam.I have heard good things from the ladies who have used them.Having a period for a month would make a saint bitchy.
I hope you do feel better.

OOM is well right now.

Menopause is still kicking in but she is going to have to slowly get used to it apparently