My Sister

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I recently found out that I'm going to be an aunt, and I don't want to see the kid because that means I'll see my sister, who is extremely vile, angry and very jealous of me. Her nasty comments make me angry for weeks/months/even years and it deeply affects my state of well-being, and my anger from it rubs off onto other people. I come to a halt. I can't bear it, and I absolutely cannot stand her. She is awful, and has even spoken about which family members she would want dead first in order to inherit the house, has said she'll come after me if I don't do x and y or come near her boyfriend, has told me to rot etc. etc. She thinks poor people are "scum" and is *very* vain. She is an AWFUL, horrendous personality. The last time I spoke to her, she stole my food (which really upset me) and wouldn't let me have any of hers, and she uttered under her breath in a deeply angry tone, "FAT. LUMP".

I've forgiven her for threatening all sorts in the past, but for some reason, for me that was the last straw.

Yet her kid (not yet born) doesn't deserve to be ignored. I'M the one who is told by the family that I'm dishonouring them by not speaking to my sister. And now this? It's a nightmare.

Help me please. I love my family, but my sister is the most hurtful creature in the world. I know she absolutely despises me. And yes, of course I've tried talking to her about it - she never says sorry, and my family never told her off as we were growing up for all the horrible things she said to me. *I* would be the one who was told off for screaming and hitting myself afterwards, or even breaking my own belongings out of extremly high amounts of stress and fear. She is one of those people who doesn't know when to stop. She would constantly pick on me for every single little thing as I was growing up, with her deep anger behind it. I used to put people down all the time because I thought that was the normal way to treat people.

Also, I am not a violent person, and I never have been. However, I'm fearful that one day I might physically hurt her. I really think I might snap one day. I wish so much for my family to stop burying their heads in the sand and pretending that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I wish they would stop guilt-tripping me as well about her. It really does send me on the edge every time my sister says something vulgar to me. And it upsets me every time they guilt-trip me, which is almost every time I see them.

I wouldn't make any contact at all with your sister & continue to protect yourself. She does sound terrible, but that is her problem, not yours. Keep away from her so it does not become your problem.

An opportunity might come up where you can contribute something to the neice or nephew as part of a group or anonymously. I would wait for those type opportunities where you retain your distance. If anyone asks just say you are estranged and that is all that is needed. the details are your own business.

When the child is grown they become their own person and a new opportunity may arise. They may even wish to get to meet you. That might be done seperate and private from your sister.

Sorry I do not have a better suggestion for the near term. I can only think of options that require waiting and a lot of patience.

maybe try and explain to her that the only way you will see your niece or nephew is if she is nice to her. write a email if that makes you more comfortable explaining how you feel. and if she replies back and it seems she's not going to change then cut her out of your life and if she starts arguing about how your never there for your niece or nephew then tell her that you tried to make amends and she doesn't seem to be wanting to be there for you.

Sadly I know exactly where you're coming from.
The relationship with my family was so toxic the only solution was to remain out of contact, or at the very least ensure any contact was on my terms.
This was after years of counsellors, therapists, and psychologists working with me and with my family and all of whom that had met my family warning me that my only safe option for optimal peace of mind and mental health was to stay away from them.

I have a niece and nephew, both born within the past 3 years, neither of which I have never met.
I know it is not the kids' fault that I can't get along with their parents or grandparents (my parents), but I have to accept that to remain healthy, able to cope with my life, and to ensure I will be around in the future if and when the other family members decide they want to interact and accept my terms, that I have to look after myself and stay away from them for now.

There is no easy solution, and you will feel guilty, upset, and angry all at once, as well as emotionally confused, but this will be the case whether you are in contact or not.
At least if you are not in contact you won't have any further fights or arguments, you will feel a greater sense of control of the situation, and if or when you decide to resume contact you can do so when you feel ready, rather than getting drawn into the existing family scenario that will obviously paint you as the villain.

Sometimes you have to choose your battles, and sometimes you have to choose when to fight them. This also means that sometimes you need to retreat to conserve your energy and find a better solution.
Only you can decide what works best for you, but know that you are not alone, and that whatever you choose, it has to be your choice, and that your conscience, sense of loyalty and patience will be tested whatever you choose.

Do you want to see the baby?

-If yes:
Go see the baby and make sure to avoid showing a reaction to anything she says, after a while ask her about the weather to throw her off.
You have plenty of time and you know how harsh she can be, prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best.

-If not:
Tell your family that you are not currently ready to speak to your sister due to several situations in the past. You will meet the baby/speak to your sister whenever you feel ready.
If they decide to avoid speaking to you from now on that is their own problem and not yours since you have made it clear that this is only a temporary issue

The way I see it, your situation with your sister is beyond hopeless, and if I felt towards my sister the way you described I'd go to great lengths to never see her ever again. By your description, someone who only brings bad things to your life doesn't deserve being a part of it. But there are still two issues there, your nephew and your family

What kind of obligation do you feel towards your nephew? A bit? A lot? Enough to be willing to deal with your sister? Does it come from you, or are you being pressured by your family to be a part of his life? If you want to be a part of his life, you'll have to actively seek your sister and that wouldn't fare well. So answering those questions to yourself could help you on that regard.

Also, your family. You love them, as you said, but how insistent are they with their guilt trips? Have you told them you don't like being guilt-tripped and to please stop? And if you really hate being guilt-tripped, you always have the option of refusing to talk about the issue and leaving the room when they start going on about it, I've done that successfully in the past. I assume you have already tried to have a honest conversation with them about how bad it makes you feel being around your sister and how you simply can't see her without being distressed, but they dismissed you or played it down and perhaps even told you things like family should always stick together and such. If my assumption is wrong, please correct me
Hold tight.