15 May 2013, 7:51 pm
I feel as if my childhood is just disappearing right before my very eyes, over the last seven years everything that I'd associated with my childhood is just falling apart and turning to ashes and this past week has made that clearer than anything. Though I feel like I just want to talk about everything that's happened and I will, I want to just get everything out and I hope that will help. If you're daunted by the sheer ammount I've typed and don't read it, it's fine. I won't be offended I think I spent like four hours typing this, and even thinking back about things has made me cry slightly which now I feel good for. It's two in the morning so I can't converse as now it's thursday my moving date is tomorrow so I want to get sleep.
WALL OF TEXT HOOOOOO!! !!
The story sort of starts in like 1999 but it's not noteworthy enough for me to write too much about it, I was attending a catholic primary school, my parents aren't religious and neither am I. At the time the schools' grades were the best in the area so that's where they sent me. After spending four years there my parents finally gave in to allowing me to change schools after I'd begged them. I'll explain in detail later.
2002 and my grandfather has a heart attack on the week before Christmas, it was terrible timing as Christmas in my family has never been a big family gathering, it was always my parents, myself and my mother's parents being my grandparents that raised me. Turned out about half a year later after him getting out of hospital that it was due to a deficiency of potassium, so I remember that he'd always had bananas by his ward bed to help that. He recovered after half a year or a year my memory of how long he was in hospital for that is hazy, as it felt as if it had dragged on for so long. Another half a year had passed and my parents finally understood as to why I wanted to leave the school I was in and allowed me to change schools. I remember I only ever looked at one school and I was instantly happy, the place wasn't dreary it was just full of love everyone was kind and the teachers and staff didn't have the suffocating aura around them that the teachers had from my previous school. It may have been because it was Valentine's day when I was shown around the school or the fact that it was one of my friends from my last school who was given the duty to take me around the school either. But something felt right.
A year later and I'd settled in, everything was good and I'd gotten extremely attached to the caretaker, who everyone nicknamed Butch, as it turned out he was a very close friend of my godfather's and he made sure to look after me. Even gave me the occasional can of coke 
. My feelings of the school hadn't changed and I was even placed in what was a form of after school club where we could do whatever we wanted, it was paid for by the parents of the kids attending and was designed to be something to occupy us while our parents would either be commuting back or still working, in hopes I could make more friends. I was lucky enough I did and my time at that school feels like it was in another lifetime now and I'd give anything to be able to go back and just live like that forever. My grandfather passed away the same year and things got a little dark, I still had the school that I'd loved so dearly keeping me distracted from the pain and somewhat happy.
After my grandfather had passed away with whom I was extremely close to, closer than I know I ever will be with my parents, my grandmother moved away from where I'd figuratively grown up, and into a flat called an armistice house about a 10 minute drive from where she lived previously. I haven't visited that particular road since or even dared look at it on google maps. I've been in the neighborhood as a friend had previously lived there and was picking up some stuff as he was moving out of his parents' house. Even being on that road made me feel horrible as I'd had memories of walking down that road and down the canal nearby as it was on mine and my grandfather's route to walk into town in the mornings after my mum left me with them so she could go to work at what was the Vodafone world headquarters at the time a very unimpressive building behind a pub which is now owned by a company that works for my local council which arranges housing for those who can't afford it. I can't remember if my mum was made redundant or left, funnily enough the world HQ is now like a 10 minute walk from my house and we still get a terrible signal go figure. I remember adjusting quickly to the loss of my grandfather and mourned away from the sight of my family, even when I saw him lying in that coffin dressed sharp, I'd refused to cry even as I'd placed a polystyrene plane on the inside of his blazer pocket like the ones he'd used to buy me from the charity shop all the time, the realization that he was gone after I'd left that building and attended the funeral a week later made me grow up quick, possibly too quickly.
Cut to 2005 the year after my grandfather had passed, July I was finishing primary school at the second one I'd attended after the one I'd previously attended felt more like a concentration camp I remember before I changed schools I used to be somewhat of a bully and incredibly violent something that I now begin to despise and subsequently became a pacifist after the last time I'd lashed out on someone where I'd almost broken the guy's back. Maybe this is karma for that I don't know, but since then I've tried to live on the straight and narrow, but back to primary school life. My second school had completely changed me and made me a happier and more intelligent person and I cannot thank them enough for what they'd done for me, I wouldn't have been diagnosed if I hadn't attended there. It is also the school where I learned to socialize and I'd made my first best friend, we were inseparable and we would then go on to attend the same secondary school together. During the summer after I'd finished primary school I had been given my formal diagnosis and things made sense everything was right in my little world despite missing my grandfather.
As I'd found myself in secondary school already too mentally mature for the people I'd be spending my time with there for the next five years. I remember that my first friend that I'd made there other than the ones I'd had previously from the primary schools I'd attended had got me interested in music, and is the reason why it's so ingrained into my daily life now. He seemed to be the only person on my wavelength and was at least mature enough that I was happy enough to be around him for extended periods of time, but because of the immaturity of my fellow students I'd burned bridges ridiculously quickly and all I had was the seven or so people that I'd already had friendships with or was rebuilding them after not seeing them for three years, the years following were the lowest point in my life so far. I was slowly but surely making friends but my one important friend that I'd had from primary school just decided that he hated me. I still to this day do not understand it, I believe it may have something to do with some small snide comment I made to him in reply to him whining about how he can't afford things after I'd saved up for months on end to buy myself the new xbox 360 platinum at the time. After that he'd got himself deeply ingrained into every social group in the school and made them hate me one after another to the point that the school was classing it as extreme bullying.
The bullying still got progressively worse over the time I'd attended but I'd built up my defenses coping mechanisms and finally a group of dependable friends things were sort of looking up for me as I was getting promoted to the highest tier learning classes, and then I'd got dragged down even more from there, I went into the classes not expecting who would be there and I was somewhat happy that I'd possibly be placed with someone who would act my age but as it was a small school and no more than maybe 200 kids were in my age group everyone knew each other and I knew that the more mature people were in the higher tier classes and some of them were people I'd known from my second school. But when I'd entered the class I was shocked to find that everyone who'd ever been going out of their way to bully me and even their ring leader my old best friend was in there. I didn't even walk halfway through the door before I'd ran. My teaching assistant tried their best to get me back into the class even after my explanations to her and the teacher but they still forced me back in to the class as I'd lost the ability to be confrontational about such matters. Eventually I gave up completely fighting about how something should be done and then at the end of my school life I'd left with terrible grades. I'd still performed well in my classes but I didn't learn enough for me to get the above average grades my teachers had said I'm easily capable of, the best score I'd gotten was one average, even the people on the lower tiers had scored better than me. My parents fortunately understand where I was coming from and the situation perfectly and were supportive.
Then came the summer after finishing school, summer of 2010. It made me more or less who I am today, I had a great time I'd made loads of new friends and created my own social group which has gone through radical changes and I'm really the only remaining original member left, even of the other social groups that had our haunt before us. On the week where school officially ended for everyone else, because In my school we only had to attend when we had lessons, and we stopped attending them when we'd done the exam for them so we finished many weeks in advance before everyone else. It was called study leave but no-one ever used it to study we'd just go and sit in the park. https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/ ... 2951_n.jpg This is a photo of my last offical day of school I'm on the right in my own clothes as I'd got changed and I didn't realise I was part of the photo as I was stood off to the side, and they were more or less all of my friends from that school. I suppose the sad thing is I don't speak to any of them anymore as they've all changed too much.
Anyway the next event made me realize where has my childhood gone, about two weeks later I'd woken up late and came downstairs while hearing staggered footsteps going down my hallway and then to see that my mother was crying and my dad was comforting her, I'd asked what was wrong and they'd said that one of my dogs had to be put down, her name was Holly. She'd always been there in my life and we'd had her since I was about two years old so I was furious at my parents for not waking me up so I could see her off, they understood and tried to explain why, they said they didn't want to wake me up for whatever reason. I was just shaking with anger so I left and went out to the park and had a nap talked to some of my friends and they consoled me as they would, I then get a phone call from my mother at about five o'clock in the asking me to come home as they'd had a present for me and they wanted to see my face before it got dark, I was of course still furious and being slightly defiant but I went home and then I just get, oh we bought you a car, I don't remember faking feelings anywhere near as much as I did that day, I pretended to be somewhat happy but inside I felt empty and betrayed, as if they'd bought me that car as their way of apologizing about the dog and everything that had happened before.
I'd left the house at every opportunity after that and still do. I felt incredibly distant to my parents to begin with and even more now. I think I was happy back then though, but thinking back on it I can't help but remembering how much of a failure I felt like with my terrible grades but I just pushed those to the back of my mind and enjoyed the fact that I'd perfected social interaction to the extent that people didn't even pick up anything weird about me and were outstanded when I'd told them of my AS, small victories. As the summer progressed things broke down with my friends from school, my three best friends started to drift apart, it was bound to happen as the one guy who kept us all together and resolved everything was moving to live with his dad in California as he'd been living with his mother and grandparents, and he'd gotten to patriotic as he started to make himself believe that he was more American than English than both as his father was a marine that served during Desert Storm and he'd had dual citizenship because of his father.
So one day after we finished early because we didn't have many lessons we went into town and then the park after buying some foam baseball bats and just started screwing around hitting tennis balls and such, and then one of them got too hyper and hit my best friend out of all of us around the back of the head with it, he wasn't seriously injured or even knocked out but it'd apparently hurt him so much that he'd just stopped talking to him and completely cut him out of his life. Shortly after that he moved away with his dad but me him and the other guy kept in contact over Xbox live and that's how we would talk for the next year until my best friend started up school and working me and the other guy grew distant as well after he started playing stuff with his childhood friends.
I then applied for College, if you happen to be american it's what we call community college and then our "colleges" by your standard are universities. I studied there for two years, and then in the second half of my last year things started to go wrong with my grandmother, she fell and injured herself and had to go to hospital, she had many tests and it uncovered a cancer that couldn't be treated, and I was supposed to not know what was going on, four months later my mother broke down and told me and I was of course furious at them again, to which she understood but upset her even more. My grandmother may have realized that I knew after a while because of her being in the hospital for so long. I guess she realized I knew somehow and had paid for my birthday present from my parents that year which was my ticket to go to the download music festival for five days and then june came, I was finishing college for good that week and I went, and had an amazing time. Got back and saw my grandmother maybe once afterwards to say thank you, and then she passed away in August, not too long after I'd seen her she lost her mind according to my parents and forgot a lot of things and that I wouldn't have coped seeing her in such a way, but it doesn't stop me feeling regret that I didn't visit her enough even though, that she would've rather me have not and had been having fun instead of sitting in a hospital with her.
After college I tried looking for jobs, and still nothing to no avail. I spent the rest of the year trying to work for my dad's employer called AWE which is the atomic weapons establishment where our trident missiles are made, and I'm getting nowhere with them. So I've been doing absolutely nothing with my life for a year now as I can't find work.
And now my moment of realization which has brought this about, It finally hit me on Saturday that I'm moving house, I've been aware of it for some time as some a**hole developer's ruining our house but now after signing the solicitor's contracts and seeing the boxes pile up by the door of the house I've lived in my whole life. Then on Monday I had yet another pet put down. One of my cats Sam who I'd had since I was three, my parents called me before they took him to the vets this time so I could see him before, Yesterday I was repacking some stuff as I could organize it better and it felt like my head was spinning because of how things have happened so fast this week I just decided to finish and get out of the house and as I was walking to the park just this whole topic came about in my head. I just feel even if my country considers me an adult now there's almost nothing I want more than to actually have a childhood that doesn't feel like it was cut in half. Or at least a respectable Job nothing even fancy, I've accepted that I'm never going to do anything that will majorly impact the world and that doesn't bother me. 
