Disappearing

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I always imagine there's a bubble around me.
The bubble's walls are semi-permeable, where only "clean" people can pass through and interact with me. (I divide people into "clean" and "dirty", as in morally not physically.)
I often sit at the dinner table with my peers, feeling like I'm in another dimension.
I hear people talking around me, but I don't listen to what they're saying.
I stare into space, with my thoughts running through my head.
I find peace in my own bubble even when I'm with other people.

Sometimes my bubble isn't enough when I get meltdowns, so I "disappear".
There are 2 ways I disappear.
1) I leave the boarding house and go out into a field, sit or lie down under a tree shade.
2) I hide in my dorm, turn the lights out, put my headphones on and listen to music. I cut off every single way by which people can contact me, and only appear online on Facebook to my Aspie friend in real life.

Lately disappearing like that isn't enough.
The slightest noise makes me more and more upset.
The birds, the wind, the grass, the bugs in the field
The people walking past my dorm, the people on the street, the cars, the people who are beneath my room, the door opening and shutting.
They all make my head throb.
I find myself having to go to the top floor of an academic building and hide in the closet of a room that no one uses.
I can only find peace and quiet there.
No people, no noises, just my own breathing and heartbeat.

I'm disappearing more and more.
I'm afraid that I'll withdraw myself from humanity completely.
I don't know what I'm doing.

Sounds like your system is overly activated...raw.

I can get like that occasionally. Like a big, huge sunburn inside & out.

Do you have a weighted blanket?
What's your med status? Maybe you would benefit from some or they need adjusting.
Finals overload? Or what stressors have been added to your life?
If you need a special diet (gluten-free, casein-free), are you following it? I don't get the gut troubles, but I do get more sensitive to stimuli if I don't stick to my diet.
Are you in transition between special interests?

Just some ideas.

What do you mean by my med status?
Exams are part of it, but it's mainly people. People are jerks. People are irrational and selfish.

Well, yes, people are irrational & selfish, but they've been that way all along, so look to the new stressors that have added to the burden...things like exams, meds needing adjustment, monthly hormonal cycles, having to move, etc.

By med status, are you on any & do the dosages maybe need to be re-adjusted?

I've always known people are jerks, but they seem to chose me as their new victim a lot more frequently lately.
The only thing I'm taking are sleeping pills. They don't work very well.

Say more?



Medically prescribed? Or off the street? Or OTC?

People go out of their way to upset or hurt me. Watching me become increasingly distressed and uncomfortable is "fun". Deliberately being nasty and watching me cringe is amusing.
Off the street. They don't make me sleepy or stop waking up in the middle of the night.

Who are these people? Do you live w/them? Go to school w/them? What?



Can you stop taking them or have you become addicted? Do you know what their active ingredient is?

I live and go to school with them sadly. I go to boarding school.
I can stop taking them but if I don't take them I'll probably be up all night staring at the ceiling.

That sucks. Is there a teacher or counselor you can talk to about their behavior?



They may be part of the trouble. Some drugs have a side effect of anxiety. My partner has to be very careful what sleep drugs she takes because some of the make her very anxious. This is an issue you should be working w/a doctor about.

If you don't have a weighted blanket, have you tried rolling yourself tightly in a sheet? That worked for me in HS.

I'm headed off to class right now, I'll check back later tonight. Be good to yourself.

I get told it's my fault for being different and not being able to take their "banter".
It doesn't cause my anxiety, it just doesn't do much other than give me 4 or 5 hours sleep.
I don't have a weighted blanket but I curl up completely under it so I feel safe. Doesn't block out noise though.
Thanks.

The thing about a weighted blanket is it soothes the system, the pressure overrides the irritation. It's not about feeling safe, it's about neurology. That's why rolling up tightly in a sheet can help, too.

And really, you need to find some powerful allies. A teacher, a counselor, a parent, an adult friend, somebody who can hear & support you. It is not alright to pick on someone because they are different.

It is also not alright to be dependent on street drugs for sleep. Sounds to me like you need genuine medical attention for your insomnia...where are your parents in all this?

I need to sleep with my whole body under the blanket though and that would make me feel claustrophobic.
I'm leaving school in 2 months. That's the way it is with boarding schools filled with spoilt brats, they will pick on you for being different.
My parents are in denial of my diagnosis and they don't know I have trouble sleeping. They're on the other side of the world too.

don't get sad get mad.. you have nothing to loose. draw a line in the sand.. don't do anything violent that will get you pinched by the long arm of the system just be sooo unbelievably disagreeable that they won't even think to prod you just for their kicks. fear is probably the only thing that will make them leave you alone. its only when you have nothing to lose that you can do anything... well almost anything..

Secondly Melatonin is a good sleep aid because it is a natural supplement because melatonin is a natural body that regulates sleep.

I wish I could. I only ever get mad when I'm alone. I usually say nothing and keep a neutral expression in front of other people.
I was talking to my best friend who is also an Aspie yesterday.
We talked about how if these people were dying in front of me, I would just sit down and put my fingers in my ears and say "I can't hear you. As usual. Even now." because that's what I always do when they try to make me distressed.
I will have to go to the pharmacy and look for that then.

What works for me is to lay under the blanket for as long as it feels soothing or I start to fall asleep, then I take it off. Also put good tunes on the headphones; the quieter of my favorite music.



Nope, still not cool. That school is not doing a good job by anyone. Real life is going to be a huge letdown for all those spoiled brats, let me tell you. In fact, you can take some pleasure in realizing that their comeuppance is coming...they're going to run into someone like me that is going to give them such a dressing down, fire their snarkie little backsides if possible. Scapegoating & bullying are not effective job skills in the new corporate team culture. It's a big subject in corporate culture right now...how to detect & eliminate that kind of behavior because it has such a big impact on productivity.

And hurrray it's only 2 more months...I know it probably seems like forever from this side, tho'.



Well, if they were allies it wouldn't matter if they were on the other side of the world, but as they're not (which sucks; sometimes it seems like parents are our biggest enemies), they're useless in this case.

About the melatonin...I don't know what country you're in, but here in the states you can get it easily over the counter at most health food stores or in the vitamin section of many big box stores. Know that there is both regular, which will help you fall asleep, & time-released, which will help you stay asleep. Depending on your pattern, one or the other might be helpful. I encourage you to do some research online to figure out dosages & stuff.

There are some other tricks, too. Like quiet activity for the hour before bed, no stimulating TV shows or 'net searches, no suspense novels. I've seen a study that seems to indicate that the light from looking at a computer screen, 'cause it comes directly into the eyes, can disrupt the circadian rhythm, so the advice was to not look at a computer screen for an hour before bed. I know, for myself, I often wake up in the middle of the night & if I look at the computer I'll be up for a couple 3 hours, whereas if I meditate I'll be up for an hour max & when I go back to bed I'll have an easy time falling asleep, so the light in the eyes theory seems to work for me.

I sure wish there was someone there, even the janitor, who you could tell what was going on. Even if they're not in a position to confront the bullies, at least you wouldn't be so all alone.