Another bit of anger which seethes within me

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I must admit I am quite depressed these days. I am feeling more challenged by some of the major changes which are afoot in my family.

For one, and this is essentially a good thing. My sister, whom I absolutely despise, is moving out with her child in September when her new husband returns from deployment. She hasn't really been willing to put quality time in with her kid and has basically left childcare to me and my dad. Since I graduated from university about a year ago, all I have done most days is watch him and care for him. I have him from 10 in the morning until 11:30 or 12 at night. My dad has him when he is asleep. I still live in fear of a fight between my dad and sister where she would withhold her son from my dad and force me to basically care for him 24 hours a day. She will occasionally watch him for like an hour or so, or when it suits her to watch him. I guess, her and the husband are going to move to the AFB about 40 miles away for the time being. The husband wants to change his base to one in Colorado Springs (closer to his family) eventually and have another kid. I have basically decided after she moves out in September that I am no longer going to watch her son. There has been talk between her and the husband about having another kid, but I am absolutely not going to ever watch two kids. No one in my family is even beginning to match my contribution. At dinner time, I am basically multitasking (and doing a very bad job at it). I cook dinner, wash dishes, and try to keep the kid occupied while he is in his high chair. He is old enough that he can locomote around in his high chair. My dad is usually sleeping or smoking out on the back porch. I wish he would take the son outside for a while to play while I cook dinner. I try to find books and stuffed animals for him to hold, but he get bored and throws them on the floor pretty quickly. Most of his toys are getting boring to him since his mom would rather spend her money on makeup, energy drinks and clothing rather than on books and toys for her child.

Then, my dad's health has taken a bad turn lately. He is in his seventies now and is starting to slow down. He sleeps a lot. He had an abscess in a region I would rather not talk about and was given a procedure to lance it. While they were doing the procedure, he was diagnosed as diabetic, high blood pressure, and high cholestorol. He has been ordered to change his diet, but has been dragging his feet. I am the one who is expected to cook dinner every night for him and for the child to eat. He told me a couple of years ago that he expected me to cook all the meals, even when my two sisters were still living with him. He has not been very emotionally supportive of me and has accused me of using my Asperger's as a crutch (my little sister with the kid has said the same thing). But I've completed college and am taking graduate classes online right now, so I don't feel like they have much right to criticize me. He also told me he doesn't want me to be gay and that he felt I was not close enough to the one sister with the kid. He is ecnomically supportive but he doesn't even know who I am now and doesn't even seem to care about all the things I do to help him around the house.

I want to just be respected and I am hoping to try to repair things with him after my sister moves out, but I am afraid he is just going to keep rejecting my feelings. I don't know if I can handle taking care of an elderly father and two young kids that aren't even mine by myself. Meanwhile I look at young people my age and see how much fun and experience they are having, and I think to myself, why me. Why I am I being used and abused. I sometimes think fleetingly about suicide but I can't even bring myself to do it because I want to believe that there are going to be some good times for me before the oil dries up and our society slinks back to a pre-technological future.

What brought all this talk on was that my dad and me were talking tonight about my sister getting married and he told me he thought she was going to have another kid. I told him I am not going to take care of that kid. He told me he felt I couldn't watch the current son full time anymore because of health concerns. My sister also got a second job today and is probably going to be working more. I have an anime convention at the end of this month I am planning to go to and my best friend wants to take a camping trip in July. I am afraid my dad is going to recall me from the convention even though historically this has never happened to me. I called my mom and had a long talk with her and she thinks I feel the right way, but that I have an overburdened sense of obligation to my dad and sister. I just do it because I feel everything would destabilize if I didn't and my sister would get mad and sour relations with my dad and her husband. I am counting on her marriage and moving out to free me from this prison of the soul I live in. I just cant keep living like this anymore. I don't have time for myself, I've quit playing video games long ago, the kid busted my DVD player and I can't watch anime, I can't read. I basically spend every day watching cartoons with him and I have been having sleep disturbances lately because I stay up late to escape from the things that trouble me during. Anyways, it is 4:30 and I need to get to sleep.

Your sister needs a wake up call; especially if she is going to have another child. Awkward though with her living with you . . . it's not as though you can just ignore the kid. (And your Dad clearly can't do much.) You're kind of caught with your Dad, unless you can find a senior's home for him. But your sister should step up. Maybe you could charge her for child care. It's quite expensive.