The Transitional "Canyon"

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I feel stuck. I am currently living at my mother's house, thirty or more miles from the nearest real town, sharing a room, unable to decompress, in some ways just sort of shutting down. I want to move on and start living again, but my environment is toxic and distant. The world feels much the same with a false face to disguise it.

Essentially, I'm going crazy. I'm retreating more and more into habit without a real schedule to speak of. Just long stretches of sleep, something to preoccupy me, and stilted, awkward, hollow conversations. At the same time, I try to think of something to do, or a place to go to, but everything I think of requires something I don't have, or don't like having to ask for.

It's like, if you could forgive the metaphor, I fell in the transitional canyon because I don't have a bridge (means or ways to get across.) Forgive me for my lack of order to this thread, but I can't even talk about any of this at home, nor do I have any counseling yet. I'm on a slow waiting list for aid, it seems.

Sorry to hear and its good you're trying to connect with people online. I would suggest at least going for walks if you can. Even if you don't have any destination nearby, just getting up and moving can possibly help with your mood.

I agree. Even if you can't think straight, you need to get out and move. Just focus on getting to the front door, and let your feet take over a little while.

I like walking, but not really here. I kind of just don't like walking out here because although I can get to the smaller town we're near, it's pretty much empty, there's nobody I want to have to deal with there, and I have no idea what has been gossiped out.

I think in some respects I get more stressed when I walk out here. I get tempted to just walk as far as I absolutely can, and know I'll usually have to ask for help getting back.

Actually I liked your metaphor. I'm just guessing a bit, but is part of the problem not actually knowing what or where the other side is ? In other words you wan't to move on, which is good, but haven't a laid out course to follow towards goals.

Maybe a life plan ? Perhaps start with where you would like to be (situation-wise) in 2 years and in 5 years. If you can come up with that, then you can begin to form a plan to get there.

To be honest my only plan is to keep going as long as I can. I feel like I'm more or less moving forward to wander aimlessly through, well, everyone elses world. I don't know what sort of jobs out there could be tolerable to me, and about all I have that I can settle on is wherever I end up, being able to have my own room for privacy and security.

Edit: Agh... and I wish I could walk around without feeling like I'm under so much fracking scrutiny at home...

Ugh... any other atheist aspies out there that have religious people as a stressor? I swear it's like my anger at anything arbitrary only multiplied by about two.

EDIT: And I'm more than a little disillusioned with aspies as company. It's safe to say that I feel a bit better about myself in a stubborn sense though...