overwhelmed and undermotivated

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i finished undergrad in december and since then have been only doing commission work as i lost both of my university jobs upon graduation. i used to work 29 hours a week + commission work + school full time and i was going insane, but i made it through. its just now i feel like i've broken down and i don't have the knowledge and tools to fix myself.

this hits me harder today as my electricity was shut off and i can't pay the bill. i don't know how i'm going to make rent in 12 days. my life is falling apart and i have no excuse.

i'm so ashamed of myself. i've applied for jobs but messed up on multiple occasions due to anxiety and miscommunicating with potential employers on the phone. i am not functioning how i have proven i am able to.

every day i feel worse and this is the point where i either pull myself together or

Would you be able to ask your parents for money to make the rent? Put it in the form of a loan.

What did you get your degree in?

Are you able to type, do Microsoft Word and Excel? Perhaps you could work for a temp service.

Do you drive, have a car, and live in a city? You could drive for Uber.

I agree, if it is possible the best option would be to ask your parents for somekind of a loan. When you have found a job, you can pay them back.

I hope things will be better for you soon.

thanks, guys

my parents can't help me, but i figured something out.

i'm taking a custom BDSM-type apparatus commission from a man who i know to be an abuser (i had previously denied his request), so now i have that to beat myself up about, but at least i can pay for my electric and rent.

i'm feeling nauseous just thinking about making this s**t
i'd almost rather him abuse me for the money than make it.

update:

not doing it. thank f**k.

i reached out to a well-connected friend for advice and she referred me to a friend of hers who is interested in a piece of furniture, that i am now commissioned for!

i'm glad to not have a moral dilemma anymore. it really does pay off to ask for help sometimes.