Things are rubbish at the moment

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Everything's just got on top of me again and I wanted to let it out here, so if you're a happy Aspie who hates whiners then here's not really the best place to come unless you want to be supportive.

First of all, I am an a***hole.

Second of all, my life is so boring and I don't know what to do to better myself and my life.

Everything's going wrong. My grandad (dad's dad) has recently died, and today I lashed out at my dad because he unintentionally pushed my buttons and I just lashed out at the heat of the moment, swearing about myself and kicking everything. The funeral is tomorrow, which I am not looking forward to, not of disrespect, but because it will be very emotional and I'm already really down now. And also because it's going to be a social drinking session after and I feel I can't just come away. Yes all my family will be there but there will also be some people I don't know and I get shy.

I wish it was my funeral really. I think it's about time I died. I thought I had signed up for CBT but the waiting list is so long that I think I have been forgotten, so I suppose I've got to chase them up again as usual. I have just lost a social worker for some reason, so now we've got to get to know another one all over again. The whole world is useless.
All my cousins are announcing marriages and going out on holidays with friends, and I feel like a worthless piece of s**t compared to them. I can't seem to make friends wherever I go, I'm just too shy and scared of people. I hate life. And this sh***y AS makes life so boring and worthless. I wish I was dead but haven't got the guts to do it in case it goes wrong and I just lay there in pain.

When it rains it pours.

I'm terrible at giving comfort but I can tell you that this is temporary and it will pass. You know it will. Try and do something that calms you and distracts you even if it is for a little bit. It will help a lot in reducing the stress.

You're an a***hole? Join the line, we all act like idiots at some stage in our life.

If your life is boring then why not do something like a hobby?

I can understand you must be upset with the loss of your grandfather, I would try not to feel too guilty about having a go at your dad, he probably knows you are in a low mood right now, just explain to him you didn't mean to cause upset and I'm sure he will take it on board. As for the social gathering I tend to just stick around people I know, if someone I don't know approaches me I let them start the talking before I make any comments about them or myself, find it much easier that way, the more you place yourself out of your comfort zone by interacting more in social gatherings, the less accustomed you will become to being 'shy', it works for me anyway.

I did CBT, was very good, worth the wait I assure you, they wont forget but is good to check every 2-3 weeks to remind them, yea community teams tend to change people often so I would try not to get too happy with whoever helps you out as most of the time they will end up swapping around again, sticking to having the basic needs met is quite straightforward.

I don't understand why you would feel bad compared to your family members who are getting married, I assure you it does not mean they are 'living the dream', some of them will no doubt feel the same as you and just not show it, it may not come apparent to you until years down the line when they start to present with problems of their own. Again I would advise trying to join a club of some kind to indulge in an interest, you'll find like minded people with the same tastes and that will be easier to strike a conversation as opposed to random people out and about.

I think AS can make life very interesting but I have to admit it tends to grant more problems than solutions, also do take into account people with AS are 3x's more likely to experience depression so I am not surprised with your current presentation. I thought about death but then I rationalized it does not make sense to kill yourself because you have the means to be productive, so by taking yourself out of the equation you make yourself more useless than if you were alive to begin with because you are not doing anything for anybody.

All in all I think this is a grievance process for you and I would highly recommend following through with the CBT and doing active things as opposed to remaining in isolation to counter the depression to a point, given time I am almost certain things will pick up for you.

Thanks for the supportive replies. But my mum has just made me feel worse by throwing all these unanswerable questions at me. I felt she was putting me down. I know she has a point in a lot of what she was lecturing, but it still made me feel like s**t.

I have a man interested in me, and he may be a little older than me but I still want to see how things go. But my mum started asking me difficult questions like ''you don't want to socialise with the rest of your family but you think you are able to go out with this man and socialise with his family/friends?'' I said I just want to meet new people, but she said, ''you won't be able to meet new people if you don't even want to socialise with your own family.'' She then pointed out that I am getting stressed out with this funeral tomorrow, because of the social part afterwards. I didn't know what to say to that. I know it's true, whenever there's a family gathering, I normally don't turn up. But it's because I can't always be bothered. And a long time ago, when I was about 11 or 12, I remember my mum once lecturing me saying, ''you can't cling to your cousins forever. You need to meet friends of your own.'' So that is what I'm trying to do, but for some reason it's still wrong. Then when I tell her that I'm bitter because all my family are NTs and I'm the only Aspie, she says that I should see my cousins less and meet other people outside the family to keep me occupied away from what my cousins are doing, but then in the next breath she's criticising because I don't spend enough time with family gatherings. So she's being contradicting too.
Then she said something awful. She said that no man will want me soon because of my moods and outbursts, which will soon drive him away. I said, ''I might change if I go out with him'', and she then said, ''if you can change with him then why can't you change for me and the rest of your family?'' Again, it was another difficult question. Then she told me that I should move out because all I do is upset her, my dad, my brother and my cat. I said, ''I would if I had the courage and the money.'' She then said, ''get a full-time job then, if you're so prepared to date a man then you must be prepared to move out and work full time too.'' And it went on and on like that, until I could take no more. Now I am crying my eyes out in my room, feeling completely useless and not knowing any of the answers to her questions. She's lucky I didn't scream and hit myself, and that I just calmly walked out of the room. But I feel loads of anger built up inside me and I know I'm going to lash out very soon.

I think I just deserve to be dead. Then everyone can just get on with their lives without a contradicting b***h like me around them.

dont worry - my mum said exactly the same to me when i was young. she said no man will ever put up with me because of my unpredictable behavour, and she pointed out that my younger sister is married because shes normal and can settle in a relationship easier and if they do split up it will be for reasons other than her being an a***hole. that upset me very much and made me think i will always be alone and worthless. but now i am married to a man who understands me and loves me for who i am. i tell him everything, how i feel, and he does the same, and we are very close. i dont socialise well with his friends but he respects that, and if i do, hes always by my side and doesnt ignore me. so im sure your man will do the same for you if you two do fall in love and he loves you for who you are. socialising with family can be different from socialising with your own friends, the people you have met yourself. you cant choose your cousins, and its normal to want to seperate yourself from your family slightly, almost everyone feels like that. your mum have just got understand that just because one doesnt socialise with the family doesnt mean you doesnt want to socialise with the rest of the world either. its just your decisian and your mum doesnt really have the right to lecture you and make you feel bad.


dont let your parents make you feel that way. im sure they are not trying to upset you on purpose. maybe its just been a bad week for you and for them because of your grandads sad death, and everything has just flared up a little bit. this is quite normal for familys to suddenly hate each other when things dont go too well. its never anything personal. just hang in there, and good luck at the funeral tomorrow, just remember to take a lot of tissues with you because i expect it will be a sad time for all of you.

Sweet Pea hugs