I just might be afraid of success.

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Yes, you read that subject line correctly. I am afraid of doing well in my life. I worry that I will put myself out there, build myself up, and eventually let myself down along with everybody else around me.

I called in sick today. I used my sprained wrist as an excuse to call in sick. I am typing this with one hand. I hate taking time off work, but at the same time, I am afraid of pushing myself beyond my breaking points.

I often feel that the people around me want perfection from me, and I know I am incapable of that. Let me rephrase that - my place of supported employment does not expect perfection from me..... But my family certainly does.

It is easier for me to not try to improve myself than it is to actually make improvements only to have my family tell me it's not good enough for them.

f*****g codependence. Heh.

That is where I am at today. I took today off work, and I am also worried because tonight I am the speaker at a 12-step group. Telling the story of my addiction to a group of complete strangers who will most likely be silently judging me is not exactly my idea of a fun evening. People are encouraging me to go through with it because they are certain it will be good for me. Well, I'll find out how it goes tonight.

Until then, I'll sit back and watch movies on Netflix streaming. That's my plan for today.

Likewise, although I can't empirically see this as the root cause of any addiction of mine - it's gone on as long as I can remember. Fixations come and go but fear of misplaced responsibility was there from day 1. I've been lectured on and pondered co-dependence extensively, as you said I'm often a kingpin in terms of supporting people and they get extremely disappointed when I can't snap my fingers while they watch the progress bar that's solving their problems of the day. I taught myself CS and IT security beginning in middle school, even my mom agrees college would be a lot of backtracking for me, but my family is still 100% complicit in their conviction that their highly educated selves reside somewhere above me ethically. As such, I have no current place of employment, and everyone expects free tech support from me, carte blanche, as this is a large part of how I learned my computing talents. Those on my good side get their support and those elsewhere learn what it's like when someone with my excessive vernacular turns the tables.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos