I think I have trouble loving myself.

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For a bit of background, my dad used to beat me and used methods to terrorize me on purpose. He had some weird superiority complex. This just made my shell even thicker. Every time someone raised their hand to scratch themselves or whatever, I would flinch and people would make fun of me for flinching. It was really that bad.

So I enter a really competitive private high school that enforces the idea of "leadership" and such. Kids didn't understand me, and called me ret*d, stupid, dumb, gay (as in stupid, I guess), etc. Throughout school, I never put 100% effort in my work. I don't know if this is an Aspie thing, and I would like it if someone could tell me. I mostly got 60's to 70's, and I was completely ok with this. The fact that I graduated from that school without putting much effort is almost unbelievable.

Then, I go to university and try two programs which I didn't like at all, so I bummed out and started working in a shipping depot and that is when I was diagnosed with this fantastic, extraordinary, lovable condition called Asperger's Syndrome. I quit work and tried school again. This time, I wanted to enter something that I have an interest in which is somewhere in natural sciences. I really like animals and such; especially dinosaurs. It's one of my Aspie focuses. In order to do that, I need some high school chemistry credits and a bit of math because I flunked out of it in high school.

So now, I'm in some adult high school which is full of bums and such, working at a snail's pace because I just have no interest in this stuff, but I know that I have to do it in order to get into a program I THINK I would like. The most scary thing about this is that I don't even know if I will like the program.

Also, there are some pretty young girls in this school, and this ends up being really bad for me because once I start developing an interest on a girl, my brain implodes and releases a bunch of negative signs such as "I'm ugly (I'm supposedly good-looking), she's bitchy, she already has a boyfriend, etc. It's like my brain is trying to keep me AWAY from girls. While I am naturally shy, my old high school forced me out of my shell a bit, so I am not as bad as other aspies with people.


I'm sorry for being all over the place in this post, but I just don't know what to do and I need help. Do I need personal therapy? Perhaps a guide? Someone who will force me to study? I just can't bring myself to do anything.

I'm supposedly depressed, and my doctor is always trying to force pills on me. I am once again considering suicide very lightly because I feel like there is hope, but I don't know the way to it.

Please help me.

Things like high school, university courses, etc are temporary situations and not always enjoyable. You can only do the best you can and if you can't take it (you get to the point where it's unbearable) you do something else instead. Try and ask for help before you get to that point though.

I think you're lonely. If you had more people to talk to who found you interesting, you would like yourself more. I find that I start hating myself if I spend too much time alone. You should join a club, preferably outside of school, so you meet a completely different set of people. If that doesn't work, join a different club.

I've had so many setbacks in my life. I mean, I can't count them, I've had so many. I often been very isolated and most of the time, dislike if not hate myself. The thing is, I've kept going for nearly 27 years. I'm still here and I've had a few successes here and there. The fact that I haven't killed myself is something I'm proud of. The fact that I still go out there and try to do things.

The fact that you've done different things and tried to go back into school, even if you're not sure about it, shows you have some strength of character, If you weren't a strong person, you would've just given up. That's one thing to like about yourself.

Puddingmouse gave some very good advice. I was thinking, while reading your post, that you would definitely benefit from having a friend. You don't need somebody to criticize or judge you, just someone to hang out with, maybe throw back a few beers or go out to the movies with. A sexual friend would also be cool, but I was thinking more along the lines of a platonic friend first. This helps to build up self esteem so you won't think girls will hate you just because.

Hello Cedric, Are you still living with your father?
In your situation I feel it is better to keep looking forward, try not to spend too much time going over your mistakes.
You need to do this foundation course, even though it does not interest you. Set a high standard to work to now, challenge yourself achieve the best grades that you can, there are a lot of people in competition for university places and jobs in this world, if you want the most interesting positions then you need to show you are capable.
If you have spare time at high school, use it to research what course you would like to pursue, better to figure it out before you start than half way through a degree.
As for girls and you, sounds like the hormones are running wild, first and foremost try to be social for company. Aim to be more positive about yourself, poor self-confidence does not help. Try to find someone with similar interests, join a club? If they are bitchy or have a boyfriend then you should not be chasing them anyway.
Good luck, best wishes, NW.