Catch 22.

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Basically, when I'm feeling good, I'll be confident and have very little social anxiety. But the problem with that is, more confident just makes me more awkward in different ways. I'll do socially awkward things and not care, and do them just because I think the end result would be cool, not thinking about social ramifications at all. IE, one time I went to an estate sale with no money. I just asked them if I could have a bunch of items for free. They said yes and I got my stuff. I'm sure I looked awkward but I wanted the stuff more than I wanted not looking awkward. I'll go to grocery stores and buy a half gallon of milk or orange juice and check it out and drink it out of the bottle. Play my girly Japanese pop really loud out of my car. Offer girls cartons of orange juice because the store had no half gallons so I bought a six pack of little 8-12oz ones. Talk to convenience store clerks for hours.

And occasionally, I do it. And don't care. Sometimes the reason I feel good is because for whatever reason, I do feel like people like me. IE, feel acceptance (usually later turns out to be wrong feelings.) Or, sometimes organic, and I simply had some testosterone boosting Chinese tea, ate a bunch, worked out, etc, and I'll feel confident like this again and basically more open to people. Sometimes too lack of sleep makes me a bit "punch drunk" and I'll feel like this, too. Most of the time with sleep deprivation I'm just really irritable, but the punch drunk is doing things like all nighters.

It's weird, as I don't even know if I'm actually introverted. I'd love to just be able to tell everyone I meet about all my stuff, hobbies, interests, etc, and express myself with my girly Japanese pop music not giving a f**k at all. As a kid, I'd just walk up to random adults (and kids, too) and talk to them about Star Trek. My mom had lots of troubles getting me not talking to strangers as a kid. Out of all my family members (who are women besides my dad) I'm the most outgoing.

When I feel bad, either emotionally because of perceived lack of acceptance from people, or organic reasons, sorta inverse. Then I get withdrawn and "quiet." Then I guess I act more "normal" but at the same time, don't have any confidence and am unhappy, which turns people off, too. I think even "freaky" or "creepy" comes into play to describe me during these periods like I'm in now.

I don't really know what to do. One side of me will make people dislike me for being weird as hell. The other side will make people dislike me for being withdrawn and not talking to anyone, not being confident, etc.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to be how I used to be, and just talk for hours to people without realizing they didn't care, etc. At least back when I did whatever I wanted socially, I felt good. Now that I'm more restrained, I don't know what I'm really accomplishing. I feel like crap. I wanna be the old me who's not ashamed to listen to Perfume full blast out of my car despite all the people in my neighborhood who quite obviously think I'm crazy/gay/disapprove.

Wow! That sounds just like me! Recently I've come to the conclusion that its better to embrace my true self and be seen as quirky and eccentric. I'm starting to accept that Ill never "fit in" to "normal," so I live by the philiosophy that life's best when enjoyed. Better to come across eccentric than to come across as something you are not, all the while comming off as creepy and shy when that's not even you. I'm just real with ppl and how I feel. Be natural. It will end up leading to truer happiness and longer term successes.