Need support from others who suffer the same

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Hello all. I'm not sure of I am posting this in the correct place (and apologize in advance), but I desperately need a sympathetic ear. I suffer from Bipolar I and Aspergers. Sometimes life seems so overwhelming that I want to hide away forever. However, I know this is not a healthy solution, so I truck on. I was diagnosed in my early twenties and life became better after I started taking medication. I was ill for a very long time and my parents are still in denial over it. There were many other things that happened to dissolve our relationship and at the recommendation of my p-doc I cut off contact with them. It has helped me in the long run, but severely diminished a "support" circle for myself. I have suffered much abuse growing up from people who supposedly "loved" me. This has kept me even more closed off to the world.

I stayed in an extremely mentally and physically abusive relationship for seven years that did not end well for me. On top of this, he moved me over 3000 miles from the place that had my only two real friends I had ever known. Time elapsed, people and places change, and I don't keep in contact with them anymore because I felt that me friendship was a burden. My p-doc tells me that because of my conditions I am highly susceptible to abuse in relationships. This actually happens a lot with "friends" I have found in my twenties. I am so willing to make everyone happy, that I will give anything and everything I have to achieve this. This has backfired immensely. I end up giving so much only to find that once people know how far I will go, they take advantage. Then when I need someone, they are nowhere to be found. All this abuse with no real people for support left me in tatters. I talk it out with my p-doc but I'm still not sure if I will ever be "whole".

As of right now, I am the closest I have ever been to achieving real happiness. On a complete off chance, I managed to meet my other half. He is the one positive force in my life. I have become more optimistic following his "techniques" to live a better and happier life. He also has Aspergers and an understanding of mental illness because of his family. Sometimes I can't believe he is real because of how patient and understanding he is. We have so much in common it's uncanny. (If you knew how weird and geeky I am, you wouldn't believe it either) The only difference being my emotional scars and bipolar disorder. We have been together almost 2 years. We have normal disagreements like any couple, but he tells me he is "ridiculously happy" being with me. I listen to this, and register it, yet I can't fully believe it. Not that I doubt his feelings, but the fact that anyone could ever love someone who suffers like I do.

I have noticed the last few months that I have been swinging rather violently. It's not as bad as it was before medication, but I was REALLY horrible without it. He has seen me through the suicidal depression and brought me back down to reality from the highs with amazing grace. He is so loving that it makes my guilt that much worse! I have always felt this incredible amount of guilt from everything. I feel like my motto is "I'm sorry". If I'm in a bipolar rage I try to go away somewhere to close myself off from anyone who I could lash out at unintentionally. This only makes things worse. I get so trapped in my head that I get even more pissed off than before! It's supposed to make a normal person "cool down", but because of my backwards brain I only get more enraged! It doesn't help either that when I try to research these things I only find depressing responses from people who were in relationships with a Bipolar partner and say the most awful things. The stigma is so high I feel that no one should have to subject themselves to having to "deal" with me. If makes me think "If I'm so terrible, how can he love me? That's right, because he can't".

My p-doc has said that he is good for me and I need to push out the negative thoughts. This is much easier said than done. I have brought up the subject that maybe everyone would be better off if I was contained somewhere alone where no one has to witness the atrocity that is me. Though I thought this was a logical solution, I was shot down by both of them. Both saying that would only make things worse. I just don't want to feel as if I am a burden on society anymore. Is there anyone that can understand this?

Thank you for anyone who took the time to read this. I know it was long and I apologize. See? There I go again....

All this seems pretty normal to me.
Bi-Polar; Narcolepsy; PTSD; ASD
My life was as much or more, messier that that until about 5 years ago. When I finally broke the code and discovered/developed a solution to so many 'mind-circles'.

 If you're curious StabilizingAutism/unsolicited-advice
Do not go there if you're not interested in reprocessing damaged emotions.

you are very hard on yourself. everyone deserves to be happy. i'm so glad you found a partner. my life, too, is better since I found mine over four years ago. it's important, as you note, to make sure our anger doesn't spill over onto innocents.

some anger-defusing techniques are pounding a pillow, shutting yourself in the car and screaming (not too much or you'll lose your voice), writing a nasty letter that you afterwards throw away.

sounds too like you might need a med adjustment. try not to blame yourself for being sick.

People have such a stigma and manipulate people who have these illnesses so they can get what they want out of them, that bothers me a lot!! I have Aspergers, ADHD and PDD-NOS as well as clinical depression, and my own mom is Bipolar Type II, with depression also. So I can completely sympathize with your situation, Gwenivere. I think it's a good thing you have a great guy in your life, someone that understands all of this and will be there, hopefully no matter what. I hope things will only continue to get better for you.

I empathise wth you alot, Gwen - I too haev aspergers and bipolar type I, and thuogh my situation wth my family is quite diferent, I haev felt a lot of the same sentimnts as you and a somewaht similar trend in life - geting taken advantage of by poeople who just want to use me or abused. I often haev an extremly negative self view and thuogh before my cancer I cuold manage, after I got sick it has sort of goen beyond control evn on meds and I always kick myself myself when I am downn and quesstion my friends how they cuod possibly love me becuse Im so disgustinng and horible, etc., and at worst times I expect they will bbe running for the hills frim me any time now. I dont know how to folow this advice myself, but the best thng to do is tell yuorself you are worth others liking you whn you aer feeling suspicious or hostiel towrds friends and liek your doctor says, trying to drive out negativve thuoghts. Lol, like you said, taht is so easier said than done, becuse when Im in a mood sems I am compltely remote from certain sensiblities and abilities (when Im depresed, its being unablle to find anythng postive to replace those thugohts, when Im manic, its being unable to treat people decntly and viewing almos everyoen as far beneth me and soemthing to use), but maybe if really striev to do it, might becoem something moer natural and easier to acomplish overtime.