Maybe i should just give up....

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All my life ive been trying to convince my family im autistic even thought ive been diagnosed. and the past year or two trying to get opwdd. http://www.opwdd.ny.gov/ ,swim in the special olypics while still being a peditrition when I grow up and that outside of school i could carry my dolls/toys around and nothing would ever cross paths. But last night my friend that i blurted out i autistic to almost saw me. I know he is ok with me being autistic but where do you draw the line? when i was in school i carried around a derpy lunchbox and my teacher thought it would make me a target but i dont know if it did. I mean I feel terrible about this but I'm kind of eather jealous or I look up to him or maybe both.


He imbrases being gay and even has his own little ego some people say he could be the tinyst bit rude but not to me, In fact it's almost that he's been nicer to me then anyone ever has and he's always gentle and kind. I tried to explain to him what being autistic is like but sometimes i can barely explain it to myself.
He says I don't have to say anything but I which I could explain it. It seems so easy for him. He's pretty popular and I think he can't empathize why I'm so insucure, apologetic and nervous/uncomfortable. But I don't want to be a downer eaither. He's always around diffrent groups of people. even our naigbers i aviod talking to beacause they have seen me even though they havent said anything. I kown alot of people who are autistic dont care about being around people and i dont eathier its just wierd to me that in rarly if ever invited anywere outside of school even if i probly wouldnt go anyway.yet people do go out and it seems the norm. I was wondering if not doing that made me seem odd or different or if it was a consequnce. i really whish i didnt have to even think about this. I mean whats the point of being diffrent if its just going to bring you trouble, aurguements with your family and misunderstandings and even also aruguments with teachers and peers. I mean even other minarty groups have an easier time then us as well as other disabilltys minous mental illness. At least they dont have problems socialty often times autistics/aspies have both phyical and social problems or at least me. As much as I would want to I would never be able to be on a reguar sports team, camp or be in a school that has grade requirements, yet it seems like I wont be abe to quallify for anything really ''special ed'' eathier with the exeption of my camp which dosnt require opwdd while a magarity of the campers probeley properly graduate high school and are most likely in 15 to 1 calsses . I whish i could just be ''normal ''. (What ever that is)

One thing I can tell you is this: don't ever give up. I almost have a few times, but people keep telling me to keep going. Are we going to have bad days and feel down about some of this stuff? Of course. But all any of us can do is keep going and do the best we can. I was where you are, I didn't get invited to a whole heck of a lot of parties and whatnot in high school either, and I didn't fit in in the popular cliques, and this was back in the late 80's, mind you, when Aspergers and all of that other stuff was not yet known and misinterpreted. Of course, I wasn't even diagnosed until I was 40 two years ago, so I guess I made it through. And I was picked on, all kind of stuff. Just don't give up.