How to accept being an Aspie?

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I always thought having Asperger's meant you weren't social but you were smart. I have an average IQ. When I was diagnosed Mom said to me, "I don't want to say you're stupid but you always fell just above the line to qualify for help [with a learning disorder] and people with Asperger's are really smart."

Then I found out you can have an average IQ. I can't tell you how terrified I was that I'd take that test and find out I'd have a below average IQ. I have doubts about the diagnosis. I don't know where I fit. I've always tried to understand people and blend in. I know I don't think the same way. It bugs me that I don't have that really high IQ. I keep pushing and got wonderful grades in school anyway but I can't be social or have a job and do school and I just took 4 years to get an AS degree because it took that long to get through Math. Then, on my last semester I failed Statistics and now I've moved and have to start all over with math at my new school. I tried math for one semester at a university and did terribly. What I'm trying to say is I'm tired of not being able to do what everyone else seems to excel at. That is life and it doesn't matter. What matters is that I keep pushing.

I just watched that movie about Temple Grandin and there were things that made me laugh because I could see myself. I'm sensitive to sounds, smells, textures. I see in pictures. I'm terrible with abstract learning. I never know what to say (but I've learned to blend in).

She talks about wanting her life to have meaning and to leave something behind and I've wanted the same thing. How do I do what she did? She couldn't understand people, do math and she has this amazing story. I shouldn't have to learn to pretend better. I have enough trouble trying to meet other standards that are difficult. Should I try and be smarter or should I try and have friendships because either one takes so much time.

I don't really need anyone to respond. This seemed like a safe place to share even if someone decides I was misdiagnosed. The question for me now becomes, "If I accept that I do have Asperger's how do I handle it?" What is the difference between living reasonably and using my diagnosis as an excuse?"

I know I don't have to be so hard on myself for not doing what others can do. It's okay that I'm not social and it's enough to try. It's okay to fail but it's painful and I want to avoid it. I see how I'm not like others in so many ways. I don't think I can see the things I do well because of the stress I put on myself for the things I can't do well. I'm good at cooking, enjoy writing, painting and research especially when it's learning everything about a person. There is nothing better than to get into a deep conversation where someone shares their life story and how they feel over a bottle of wine. I research and ask questions well. I can make food taste amazing and sometimes even pick out the spices used to closely replicate secret recipes. I can see all the colors that should be in a painting and put them there even if it's a green undertone or a purple shadow on someone's face. Isaiah tells me he doesn't think the same way as I do. He can't see things like I do. Yet, there is still that doubt because I'm not smart.

Knowledge is power. For instance, I don't beat myself up for not having friends or maintaining relationships because I can say I'm designed that way. My communication deficits are my traits and no amount of medication or therapy is going to change that.

In one speech, Temple said there are generally three types of Aspies (with some overlap of course):

abstract thinkers good at math and similar topics,

picture thinkers, like herself, and

narrative / story / language arts thinkers. And I'm generally in this third category.


Or, put a different way, we Aspies tend to have patchy skills, good in some areas and not so good in others.

I have this effect right now. I'm trying to accept being diagnosed with AS and just trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. It can be hard.

Actually, I've noticed a lot of aspies here who seem to have average intelligence, though there are certainly some who have higher intelligence.

As far as "handling" AS goes, it's a matter of learning to accept one's self--both one's limitations and strengths. And even if your IQ is one hundred (which is average) you will still have strengths.

I've never understood why people are so horrified to have an average IQ. I do understand that it's probably in part because we live in a society that glorifies things like novelty and status and can be highly competitive, but beneath the madness it's not a sensible criticism of oneself. This madness is so powerful that it apparently affects people with talents and skills not even measured by IQ tests in the first place...

If you don't know what your end goal is, it's hard to say whether you should focus on improving a range of or narrow set of intellectual skills (see: intelligence) or social skills.

I relate to the mathematics thing, by the way. The tables were easy for me since they're recalling a number associated with a key, but beyond that I'm pretty hopeless.

I think us ASDers get so obsessed with IQ because we want to have something to compensate for our crappy social skills and other deficits. We want to be able to say "Okay, I miss really obvious hints in conversations and my mannerisms look weird and I can't keep a relationship going but look at me I'm a math genius" or "look at me I'm a brilliant artist" or "look at me I can play music by ear and have perfect pitch" ect. The reality is this isn't the case for a lot of us. A lot of us just have crappy social skills, crappy motor skills , messed up sensory systems ect. and we just have a normal level of intelligence and talents. The idea that people with Asperger's are smart just comes from the fact that you couldn't be given the diagnosis if you had an intellectual disability. Tony Atwood discusses research showing there are not any more gifted people with Asperger's than there are in the general population and our average IQ (the average IQ of people with AS)is average. Having a low average IQ does NOT in any way contraindicate ASD (Asperger's). Now they have gotten rid of Asperger's in the DSM 5 and changed it to ASD which does not have an IQ requirement (some people with the diagnosis have intellectual impairment and some don't).

My IQ is on the high end of the average range. My verbal IQ is in the superior range and my performance IQ is in the borderline intellectual disability range. OP, I envy your talents for painting and cooking. I have no such talent and I've always wished I had some sort of creative , artistic ability. I also had trouble accepting my diagnosis at first. In fact I was diagnosed at 13 and only recently (in the last 5 years or so) I've become comfortable with it and learned not to be ashamed of it. Yes, it would have been easier to accept if I had some amazing talent or a genius IQ to go with all the problems but life is the way it is.

Like daydreamer84 said, I'm obsessed with my IQ because it's something tangible that proves I can do something well. I think most people here have some horror story of a time they were humiliated into believing they are stupid. Society has replaced the word stupid with "special" and other nice terms. The first time that happened to me I was in Kindergarten! It's humiliating enough when you can't keep up and the teacher singles you out. My teacher sat me at a table alone and wouldn't let me socialize with the other children even at recess. I was treated like I had a disease and from my perception was continuously treated that way all through school. My classmates and teachers were not bad people; it's the system and it's inability to nurture students with disabilities to be their personal best (meaning some kids won't be able to do Math or English and who the f**k cares). I have always wanted to be smart but judged myself against a corrupt system where if you can't keep up you are somehow "less than" others. I started to reflect that teaching and accepted that I was "not as good as" others. I've always played a submissive role because to me that is where I belong.

Being smart is more appealing to me than the things most girls obsess with because I equate that with being "equal to" my peers and deserving. As an adult I'm stuck in this catch 22; am I smarter than I think and my struggles are from low-self image or do I have low self-image because of my struggles? In one scenario I gain self-esteem and find out I have budding capabilities that rivals my peers while in the other I have to accept there are limitations on my abilities. I think it's the latter. I haven't figured out yet how to excel at things I'm good at when our current education system almost rejected me outright due to my limitations.

I had just gotten out of the military and took a career placement test at the local university to help choose a major I'm suited for. I was so slow with the testing that I failed and they told me I shouldn't continue onto higher education. That haunts me. I know now the problem was a conflict between the test and my literal thinking. That doesn't take away the impact. It was almost 3 years before I enrolled in college after that embarrassment. It's one of those moments where you have to learn to be strong and have a thick skin. Anyone who has to sit in a chair and listen to people tell them how they are unacceptable when they are doing the best with what god or nature gave them has a thick skin. It's strength I have to be able to face all this doubt and still keep trying when people are telling me I don't belong. The point isn't that I don't belong it's that I'm learning and I'm there even if they don't like it. They can get pissed off and I often fail but that hasn't stopped me from getting up and starting over; again and again.

I struggled in school. I struggled in the military. I've struggled in college and I'm not making it by any more. I need to find what I excel at and do it because I've hit the brick wall. Four years for an Associates because of one subject. I'm pissing away my GI Bill and mocking 4 good years I put in to earn that money for school. The way our society is designed is not for people who are like me. I should finally be able to take classes that interest me rather than starting over from the beginning again. I know I need to accept that I am limited. I'm terrified it means coming to terms with the fact that I will never be able to follow a higher calling; that I have minimum wage abilities and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to accept myself.

That will mean all that effort I've put in goes to pot. It means accepting I am what all the talking heads predicted I'd be. In some way that feels like the biggest failure. That might be the thing to put me on the path to true happiness. If I stopped trying to fit the mold and did something I love without inhibitions I could find out I'm talented at art or the writing that I love. I was an English Major for one semester but was told I couldn't do it because I'm no good at grammar. Up to that point I saw writing as my true talent. I knew I was good; I believed it and in that way believed in myself. I aspired to be a storyteller and knew I was destined to be an author. I turned away because people told me I wasn't good enough. I just watched a speech from a published author who is Dyslexic. He's published 2 books and his grammar is worse than mine. He does these amazing motivational speeches because he remembers what it's like being led to believe he's stupid. I know it's mind over matter. But the idea of trying scares me because even when I use failure to learn how to be a better person the successes seem so far between. It becomes difficult to accept achievements. My husband says I'm good at turning every compliment into a character flaw.

When people say they will help I only see how capable they are and how dependent I am for the help. Instead, I don't accept help under the rouse of being "interdependent." In my stubbornness I struggle to make it on my own. I struggle to be that able-bodied person. Not having a visual representation of my struggles the way an amputee does means I put more pressure on myself. If I try harder I can do it. Then I try so hard I refuse to even look at my grades because with all that effort I can't handle failure. I didn't even know my GPA until I moved here. I had no clue most classes were A's and B's. If you asked me to guess I never would have said that.

I don't know how to explain what makes me different. It's very real to me and I think pretty obvious how I'm limited if you know me.

@raebabe I definitely relate to feelings of inferiority, but in my case it was more my mother's treatment that crippled my self-esteem for years. Judging yourself against a corrupt system will inflict terrible damage, though I know the temptation, and it's a balancing act of knowing that you need them and that some of them have their heads quite far up their asses. It's definitely not something that comes easy, and I'm sorry if that was implied.

I've managed to make progress because I replaced the toxic elements in my life with ones that were supportive (family making things worse? get new role models!), though it's taken years to really gain momentum. One of the things that helped me was finding two friends who are also writers that I work with who keep my motivation cranked up. We bounce ideas off each other, follow along, and give feedback. It's easier sometimes to accept help from people who feel like peers and colleagues where there's a mutual exchange.

As a note, I think you should continue trying to be a writer despite being turned away in English. The motivational speaker is someone to look up to, because if we were all perfect then editors would be out of business. I'm not one of the professional writers here, but I do know that it can be a difficult path and a number of famous authors struggled at one point, too.

Harry Potter wasn't exactly snatched up by publishers:
http://www.jkrowling.com/en_GB/#/timeli ... ublishing/

Being an Aspie f*****g sucks. I really hate having to contend with this s**t. It has made me into such a bad person that my family will be better off if I was dead.

I think my obsession have gone too far and I've been told I might have gotten myself into trouble and will get a name for myself, all because people can't keep their mouths shut. I thought people had better things to talk about than a stupid s**t like me.

My cousins think I'm weird, all because I've let my anger get the better of me a few times too many, and now I am too embarrassed to approach them. The anger there is partly caused by sensory issues.

And also I have received too much help in my life and we have picked up signs that I am too ''normal'' (despite all the above s**t and lots more issues I face day to day) to have gotten all that help, and have been wasting their time and money. We hear so much of it in the newspapers.

I really don't know how I'm going to accept having this f*****g s**t. I f*****g hate AS more than words can ever say, and I mean that LITERALLY.

So AS has really f****d my life up. If I was NT I wouldn't have these addictive obsessions, I would have a more normal social life to speak of and so not have obsessions to replace the social life I am missing out on. I wouldn't have all these sensory issues that drive me to madness and make a s**t of myself in front of my cousins. And I would just be normal, without having the dilemma of what help to receive then being worried we might get into trouble because of my disability being too invisbie.

Sorry, had to put that somewhere but didn't want to start a new thread on it. Somebody help me.

Joe, I used to feel the same as you until I read the following from Friedrich Nietzsche: Be careful lest in casting out demons that you don't cast out the very best thing that's in you. Of course, Nietzsche wasn't talking about literal, supernatural demons but the nexus between what we like least and most about ourselves. We can't have one without the other.

So, just from reading some of your posts here at WP, I do know that you have a lot of good qualities, qualities that are likely inextricably tied to your AS. The problem with discarding the worst about us may very well lead to discarding that which is best in us.

This is just how I see things though...

Back in the 1970's, there was a recognition that IQ did not measure everything. The thought was there is this whole group of very creative people that score average or below average on IQ tests. This may be especially true for people with ASD. By definition, our brains work differently. I believe some of our brains are more compatible with IQ testing than others. I believe mine IQ is very average.

Here is an article/abstract I just found. Be warned, it is long, so those of us that have problems reading in a linear way, pull out a sheet of paper and hold it up to the monitor, or what ever works for you. My son highlights a line, reads it, and then highlights the next line. I have to print it off and if need be, use my finger, or a MTG card to keep my place.

http://www2.sunysuffolk.edu/vollarj/intelligence_testing.htm

I agree. If we listen to some of the profoundly inane political and social commentary coming from some of our most gifted artists and athletes, it becomes very obvious that talent in one area does not mean talent in all areas.

What IQ measures is what the psychometricians call general intelligence, or "g". General intelligence is the ability to entertain and manipulate abstractions--nothing more and nothing less. Of course, there is a very high correlation between g and conventional success in life, such as getting into prestigious schools and jobs. But, as you noted, g is not everything.

That's who you are. Aren't you awesome as yourself?

I am new around here and thus not able to relate to much history but in my own life I lived for years in the way Joe90 describes, and I hated myself not Aspergers because I knew nothing about the syndrome. I just knew I was considered stupid though I didnt feel stupid, I was disruptive and prone to outbursts of anger. That went on for five decades though I managed to make the spaces between outbursts longer and the self loathing a little less close to the surface.

By contrast when I spiralled into a near suicidal depression last year, the first time in my life I had got properly depressed and could think rationally about killing myself, I found out I had Aspergers. Like so many others I felt relieved suddenly of the burden of being stupid, angry, isolated all by myself. The diagnosis was a huge relief.

Let me say this: Joe90 is right. This ASD stuff is a pain. I would give it up in a hot second if there were that choice and all my creativity and above average IQ and whatever else I'd have to throw in the pot to get rid of this syndrome. But the fact is I am stuck with it as are you and you and you. We are stuck with it.

That being the case I have decided to embrace the misery. I don't like social situations so I avoid them. I find friendships exhausting so I don't struggle to create and above all keep those bonds. I accept that I feel better living on my terms and it is immensely liberating. Suddenly all those anxiety inducing situations are gone, I run my life, my wife, a long suffering NT learned a lot from going to counseling with me and respects my limits and needs finally after years of not knowing what I needed, And at my job I am doing really well so thats a relief too. No more melt downs, I just tell myself nothing much matters and I need to go for a motorcycle ride or perhaps walk my dog to get balanced again. So I do exactly as I like.

Joe 90: hang in. It will get better if you give it time and can come to terms with what you need and not what you think you should need. Certainly NOT what society expects you to need. In the meantime f**k this s**t indeed.