About me:

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I don't think I'm a typical person who has aspergers. I love people. I am terrified of people, but only recently. I am afraid of the world in many ways. I have an image of what kind of life I would like to be living which is the complete opposite of reality. I desire companionship very much. I sometimes draw attention from females, and I can't get further than a greeting. They see me as tall and attractive, but I disappoint them. I appear disinterested, but in reality, I am deeply anxious. I am a virgin. I'm losing a sense of myself. Much of my social success was greatly attributed to being around my brother, and emulating him. I used to have a habit of personifying many aspects of my life, which I believed was a problem, thus I no longer do that. I feel lifeless. I am not suicidal, but I greatly wish that my life would end. I feel cowardly. I am not angry or resentful. I spend much of my time on the Internet, which is only recently. I suffer from depression. I often think about talking to ther people, but I have a fear that I will become resentful towards them. I want to talk to someone who either shares similar circumstances as me, or is very content with life, with the hope that they could somehow cheer me up. I could have written this more eloquently, but the passion that I once had as a writer is no longer there. I want to know if there is anyone who is feeling the exact same way as me. I feel excluded. I haven't hugged anyone in a very long time.

I can relate to much of how you describe yourself. When I was in school, I didn't make my own friends but instead interacted with my brother's friends. When he went off to college, I felt pretty lost. I did eventually form some friends of my own, but I very rarely saw them outside of school. Even now, I tend to do this. I have a few friends at work but find it hard to socialize with people beyond that.

Addressing your depression is the first step in improving your situation. Unfortunately depression can come from so many different sources that it can be hard to pinpoint what might help. Going to a doctor and getting a physical might be a good first step. You might be able to identify a physical issue that is contributing to depression. I recently discovered I was low on vitamin D. When I started taking it (along with B-12) I went from feeling like everything was too difficult to feeling comfortable that I was up to whatever task I set myself.

Exercise is also very helpful. Even a short walk after meals can do a remarkable amount to help you feel just a bit better. Aerobic exercise can be very useful, but it's better to build up to more strenuous exercise rather than jump into it immediately.

Much like you, I actually like people a lot. It's not a dislike for people that makes me avoid them. Rather, it is my fear that I will offend, disgust or disappoint them that makes me keep my distance. I am awkward and bumbling in how I interact with people. I am slow to figure out what I am expected to say in most circumstances (so I try to say as little as possible). But the end result is that I feel isolated from the very people whose company I would like.

I've had similar experiences with women. Mostly I assumed no woman in her right mind would want to be with me. There were a few women who were attracted to me and I usually pushed them away. There were a few others that I only discovered were attracted to me when it was much too late. I suppose it was gratifying to learn that I wasn't as unattractive as I felt, but it didn't change the fact that I have never been in a relationship. A few years ago I stopped caring so much about that an now feel content to live the rest of my life alone.

I don't know that there is any cure for how your are feeling, but I think you can improve your situation. It requires some risk and effort on your part, but not so much risk and effort that you cannot do it. You need to DO something. Take a walk. Write a paragraph. Plant something in a garden. Go to a public lecture. Take some photographs. Write a computer program. Anything that provides you with even just a little sense of accomplishment. That's how you climb out of a hole; one small step at a time.

Good luck.

Thank you. I don't mean this in a sarcastic/condescending way, but I need regular reminders on how to live. I lose focus or forgot, and get so bogged down. There isn't anyone in my life who is there to remind me of those kind of things. Most people I know would think that would be obvious. 'Normal' skills required to function, and succeed. I always forget. I lose track. So thank you again.