I don't know how I feel....

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Except it's not happy. At the moment I feel fine (okay, I've been leaving this out for a few days and now I'm very tired), and at times I'm very happy, but in between it's often not. I'm sure I'm depressed. I find less and less satisfaction in the things I used to enjoy. I'm severely sleep deprived, I'm dragged down with work, I'm not sure if I like what I see in my future, and I don't really have any close friends here. I guess I have a few sort of friends I talk to on occasion, and I'm usually very happy when I do, but I'm not sure if it's really enough to consider them friends. Anyway, I pretty much hate my life right now. Now, on another and somewhat related. There is this girl....

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrazhpsuYLc[/youtube]

In short, I guess I've fallen in love with her, but I only want a friend, and my emotions are getting in the way. I first noticed her early last year when I saw her wearing the Fluttershy "yay" shirt, but that's it. It's only this year where I've gotten to know her since she is in my English class. I noticed she was wearing an In Flames shirt and she gave a most eloquent introduction, I instantly knew I liked her. The time when things started getting weird was once in class where I noticed she doing the exact leg bob stim as I was. I guess the roots of a possible friendship started when I accidentally played "I'm Alive" by Disturbed in the middle of class (there was a sub and it was open in a tab) and she asked me what band that was. Eventually I got the nerve to add her as a friend on facebook, and after class one day I asked her what band was one her t-shit (it was Evanescance) and we had a brief conversation about them. Okay, the biggest thing was more recent. We are both in this animal welfare service club at school club were there is a project for the cats on campus. After the club two days ago we walked back to the bus, she was with a group of friends while I was walking a bit ahead and guiltily ease dropping. After we got to the bus stop I found my bus wasn't there so I went back the outskirts of what was left of the group, where she then noticed me, called my name and said hello. I said hello back back, and then we started talking about our English homework and eventually random crap with this other guy I know as well. I was so happy for a moment, then we had to go home. Now, I've been growing to be looking forward to seeing her more and more, but now I'm practically neurotic about it. Yesterday I saw her at English class, and I noticed she was doing that leg bob while I was doing this leg wobble thing, and latter I noticed she was now doing the same leg wobble thing I was doing earlier. Why am I paying so much attention to this crap? Anyway, she didn't end up talking to me in class or afterward, and through the course of the day I grew sadder and more depressed until I was feeling practically suicidal. Hell, tears came to my eyes at one point during Statistics class at the end of the day, I didn't start to feel any better until my guitar lesson and when I started to befriend some people on the bus afterward. Today I noticed her behind me while getting lunch, and I internally freaked and got out of the lunch stand as quickly as possible. The hell? I looked so hard for her and when I find her I scurry away in fear, of nothing! Urg. I want to confess my feelings to her, but I worry that if I do I'll kill any relationship I do have. However, I feel if I don't it's equally dead as if I don't kill it with my paranoia it in the very least won't grow further. I don't know where I stand in her eyes. And no, I don't know how I feel around her, not sure if happy or nervous now. Arg.

Now, there is something else I need to talk about. My parents work for the Us embassy in Jakarta, and they "hosted" another family coming in the embassy. That family also has a son with Aspergers, he is two years younger than me, and I think he is slightly lower functioning than me, at least where I am now to where he is now. Anyway, I met him when me first came, and I took him and his older sister to a rock concert which my brother was introducing.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcDX4WDhhyk[/youtube]
Afterwards we had dinner. Now, my parents sort of wanted me to like mentor him or something, but that never ended up happening. Anyway, he ended up briefly becoming a topic of conversation when I talked with that girl on that day two days ago. I said something along the lines of "Yeah, I'm just a lowlife and hangout with whatever" in response to the other guys disbelief that I'm a senior, and then he joked at my word choice about hanging out with trees, where the aspie boy became the subject of conversation. Neither new that he was autistic, just that he is quiet and acts weird or whatever. The girl said something along the lines of "I making eye contact with him and he just angrily bit down on his sandwich. I think he's going to have a hard time here" and I was remind of my responsibility. I promised myself I was going to find him the next day and talk to him. Well I did, at least I found him during lunch. I might have made it look like not talking with the girl was the problem that made me get down yesterday, but that wasn't it. Rather, it was what happened when I found him. It took me awhile, but I eventually noticed him inside the special learning or whatever room. I only ever go there when I'm getting extra time for tests and they are holding it there. Now, I noticed him talking with two other people. One was a really nerdy furry guy who sort of insisted on being my friend, but I don't really relate with him. The other is a girl I knew from my art class last year. It took me awhile to discover that there wasn't a teacher there, and then it hit that my mission failed for the wrong reason. Suddenly I was no longer the hero, but the one who needed saving. I felt cheated. I felt jealous. I felt confused and sad and empty. I don't even know how I felt, but I felt bad and it got worse and worse. I want to sing a thousand songs, I want to scream my head off, I....I...I just want someone to talk to.

Sorry I don't have anything helpful to say to you about your situation....but you write phenomenally well.

It's something that happens to most of us, falling for a girl. And the nervousness is there too. It is something you may go thru multiple times and in time it will get easier. If possible try and help the other Aspie out. That is something you can do.

Why, thank you! I wrote that while half asleep after being up for 22 hours, so I was expecting it to end up being nonsense. The pointless of your advice lightened my mood a bit, haha.

Sleep deprivation can improve clarity of thought (I learned this writing papers in college), but sooner or later one reaches the point of diminishing returns.

In regards to your girl concerns, it is possible for you to remain friends even after raising the question of anything further. I've had it happen. In regards to your other concerns, take a simple approach. When facing a tough decision, ask yourself what is the worst that can happen if you do. What's the best that can happen if you don't? What if your action (or lack thereof) makes no difference whatsoever? Consider some of these possibilities when you decide. You have to recognize your own values.

You are not a hero, but that doesn't make you a villain. Realizing both of those facts is a step of maturity most have trouble with and a step some never make. That's not to say that coming to grips with it is enjoyable or easy. You're in a tough spot, but it's not hopeless. Good luck mate.

The thing is I don't actually think he needs help, well, at least not as much as I do. From what I've seen it looks like he actually does in fact have a healthier social life.

Anyway, more suck today. I've been bogged down with projects and other homework for school, I haven't had anytime to work on personal creative projects like writing, artwork, or game design, and the lack of sleep has been sapping my creative juices. One of these projects was the RI for IB Theater, which is nearly finished and I hated as it's a research paper, which I hate more than anything. I like learning, but having to source crap kills the enjoyment in learning, and it's almost completely non-creative. The next project is the IP, which I was looking forward to, it would give me an excuse to make something, and I started developing ideas for a post-modern, borderline absurdist play based on In Flame's Clayman and Pygmalion. Well, it turned out Independent Project means independent from the teacher, not that you work on your own, so there that goes. Only one production for the whole class. Well, I put the giest of my idea out there, and it was completely ignored. Every other idea that was proposed was put on the freaking board. Then ultimately all those ideas where completely thrown out and we ended up going with an absurdist theme anyway. Erg. And now, here is the s**t which happened today. First, people had little idea about absurdism was, and needed stuff explained when I had explained the exact same things last year when I made a presentation on an absurdism for the class. Also, we are booking ending the play with a conflict of eating cake, which was my idea, but someone else claimed it as their own. Someone else even acknowledged that, but it was shrugged off! f**k that s**t! Proving that nobody gives a freaking damn about any of my ideas, my opinions, me. Now, we all need to focus on a production role, but all the good production roles were taken, so there goes all my possible creative outlets. No, I'm left with a focus on acting, which is BS as I've been assigned the most minor character ever, and it's a complete s**t character at that. I can't act this character because it's such a sh***y characters, and I'm too exhausted to make it none sh***y, I can't play a character if I have no passion for the role whatsoever. It's the flatest, deadest, stupidest, freaken' character. God, there goes that, now it's just another f*****g project. Hell, the only thing I'm looking forward to is writing ESSAYS, which still sucks as they either have a time limit or a character limit. I freaking hate character limits. I never have enough for the things I hate, and too much for the things I like. Grrr I'm so pissed off right now, the only thing I have to look forward to is music. Music is my only friend. f**k them alll.

Well I guess I inserted myself firmly into the friendzone with that girl, so I guess I succeeded? Anyway I think it's safe to say we are friends now, maybe close friends now.