Well that was short lived.

Post Reply New Topic

So I recently went to the psych ward for a couple weeks just about...and I just got out of there the last week. I got medications switched there and was prevented from acting on suicidal thoughts(the reason I went). I feel like the meds kind of help my anxiety and racing thoughts, really just kind of slows it down but its still there in the background if that makes any sense. I am taking olanzapine(zyprexa) and valium I know the zyprexa isn't typically for depression being that its an atypical anti-psychotic and for some reason they figured since anti-depressants don't tend to work that might be worth a try. Anyways I got to feeling better while there and so I figured I was ready to leave and it was all good.

But yeah now I am not so sure, I still have horrible depression....the anxiety is there but as I said the meds do help that especially the valium. I keep getting annoying suicidal thoughts(not anything strong enough to act on yet) but just things like 'I'd rather shoot myself than deal with that' type thoughts which really kill my motivation for anything. Oh well it was in my discharge plan that if I become worried of being a danger to myself I'll simply go back to the mental ward I just don't want to have to resort to that again so soon and as is I will give it at least a week see if I can get my sh*t together and take care of some responsibilities I have. Also the bill kinda sucks, its almost as much as my college loan bills and in less time but I am on a waiting list for medicaid so once I actually get it that will cover the already existing bill and any additional.

I just hate this and find it very frusterating I mean I am 23 I feel like I should be thinking about finding a boyfriend, and striving for some kind of success and starting life and all that good stuff but I am just trying to figure out to survive with mental issues that make it hard to do so. I guess its a little embarrassing that I feel behind in all aspects like everyone my age is ahead of me in some way, even younger people seem to have their s*** together a lot better than I do.

Anyways before I get carried away rambling that is how I am feeling about life.

I hope you feel better,I'm nearly fifty and I still struggle at times with horrible depression,even with a max dose of Lexapro.I take Ativan for anxiety.I look at all my missed oppurtunites and feel like a big loser.I dropped out of college because I burned out.If you get medicaid that would help alleviate some of your worries.Racing thoughts are the very thing that makes me miserable, I can't sleep if I can't turn my mind off,then the lack of sleep makes everything worse.I've always been amazed that some people can lay down and go right to sleep,I had trouble even when I was a child.I'd lay there for hours,then have to get up and go to school feeling like crap.I have been using my tablet at night and I put on a eight hour meditation YouTube with Om and river sounds,there is also rain,forest and other soothing sounds.This does seem to distract my mind and then I can sleep.

I guess part of it is, I just have to come to terms with the fact this is going to be an ongoing issue that I have to deal with...and try not to get down on myself about it. I mean I know its not exactly my fault my brain happens to be rather dysfunctional but I still get it stuck in the back of my mind that if I'd just try a little harder it would go away......but I know that is not how it works. I mean if i had some terrible physical illness I wouldn't feel guilty about taking meds for it or going to the hospital when necessary. Not to mention all the people that don't take mental health issues as seriously, feels like even SSI doesn't take it seriously hence why they make it so difficult to apply for it let alone be approved.

As for sleep my night time dose of zyprexa seems to help but the drowsiness effect is likely to wear off...in which case I usually drink chamomille tea or other relaxing tea to help me sleep. Or I have a prescription for trazodone so I can take 50 to 100mg as needed for sleep. But yeah I tend to have trouble actually getting to sleep or staying asleep.

Hops are suppose to help with sleep,a tea made from them or a pillow stuffed with them.They are suppose to be closely related to the cannabis family.Since it is legal in your state maybe ingest some before bed.My sister in law is a facilitator for NAMI,she says blame the illness,not yourself.I have so much respect for her,she suffers from depression also and has lost two children to suicide.Some how she is still the most positive person I know,even though I divorced her brother she is like a sister. Lavender also helps with sleep.I don't know if it's true,but I was told aroma therapy is covered by insurance in France.That would be awesome.

I relate to this thread a lot.

I was just reading on the internet about fifteen individuals who are between 23 - 35 years old and how they overcame their debt from failed businesses, college, etc. They seem to be doing okay now. Even a few are getting married or finally purchasing houses.

And then there's us, the broken ones. Nowhere in the article did it ever mention any of those people having some kind of mental issue that prevented them from achieving their goals. For us, unfortunately, that is our reality.

I'm sure a lot of us would love to have kids, own a car, own property, have a business, be debt free, have a college degree, you know, the American Dream. It just won't happen, though. I've beaten myself up for years that I've passed several opportunities to "be normal" because either I was homeless, drug-addicted, or working a job I feel I'd quit at any given moment because it sucked so much.

I understand anyone's pain who sees life passing them by and they want to jump in and shout, "Don't pass me by! I want to live and be normal like everyone else!"

For some of us, unfortunately, that just ain't gonna happen. All we can do is hope.

I can't say I really want to be normal, gave up on that a long time ago, but I can't even reach a state of being functional....but yeah its just frusterating when I can't seem to get anywhere no matter what. I even suck at trying to get on SSI it would seem.

It takes time to get on SSI,I had to go before a judge.It took over a year.If you don't have a lawyer,get one.

I hope you will feel better soon, Sweetleaf. Being an aspie and having depression on top of that is difficult. If it weren't for my meds, I would probably be a mess. I take 150 mg of Zoloft every day, as well as 30 mg of Ritalin for ADHD. So it balances me out. I can relate to everyone here too, so much of my life has already come and gone, all I can do is hope for a better tomorrow. I hope things will get better for you, hang in there and let us know how you are doing.

You can probably find one to take your case for free if they are sure they can win,there is no charge if they don't.They will take a percent when you get benefits.I don't remember what I paid out to the lawyer,but it was worth it.