i'm figuring it out - beer

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Hey I guess the Haven is usually bad stuff but this is good but while I don't ahve anyone to share the achievement with so there is a little bit of sad. It's kind of sad over all but it's good for me...

and that is that I think I'm starting to figure out how to get past bad s**t. LIke serious bullying that would make a normal person freak out and say they want to die (or like when your best friend gets seriously f***ed up in an accident), i'm like a stone wall, a legit militant. I tried to cry to today and I couldn't even do it it was like a little spurt of moisture in self pity and then it was gone and I was just all empty. Then I went and deliberately hung out around big crowds of people at a mall and watched other people and how simple they are and it sedated me. then i got calls from more than one person asknig me to hang out so I did. I've never had people to just go hang out with whenever, or at least I didn't understand I could just do that.

mainly what it was was just being around people and drinking beer. I can't tell people stuff because its like how I cheated on a test and felt bad about it or personal crap that freaks other people out, so I can't jsut tell people stuff, but just being around people and talking about random pointless crap like whether they like the coffee brewer they have and which they wish they had, for a little bit actually really helps. that's what I'm learning. the normal world full of people that usually seem dumb can just look really beautiful and like heaven sometimes.

But that's kind of the sad part, that I'm totally gone from it and can't go back. I don't think a lot of people my age and with AS have to do this. they'd probably become religious because of stuff. and i'm a person who f***ed s**t up royally because I had to because other people f***ed s**t up royally, that's what's screwed up - that we're all screwed up so there's no one to blame. but it's going to make me more badass later. maybe someday someone will give me legitimate credit for being a savant badass saint.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Beer drinking in good company is excellent for your mental health. I would drink much more than I do if it weren't for tobacco: cigs are minimum $7-8 a pack here, and if I drink every night I need about a pack a day...which is ruinous, both physically and economically.