What would you call this?

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Okay, so. In the past, I used to have meltdowns because I didn't know how I was supposed to react socially. So, when I got bullied, I would scream at everyone as loud as possible and hoped that they would stop teasing me. Obviously, that just induced the teasing, know that they can get a reaction from me. The last time I did this was when I was about to be kicked out of college last year and I didn't know what to do. They were accusing me of things that I didn't do, and I just snapped.

Anyways, most of this anger involving social problems is internal and I have dreams of having meltdowns. Gotta let it out somehow.

Recently (maybe about 4-5 years ago), when I was diagnosed with depression (w/ psychotic features), something else has been taking its place. Instead of blaming others for my social problems, I blame myself. I also blame myself for imperfection (perfectionism is something I've had for the longest time) with anything achievement-related, like grades. I have obsessive-compulsive features (I look at others' papers not for content, but length. I feel that you must be pretty smart if you have more to say. I know it isn't true, but that doesn't change how I feel about it), and the perfectionism is related to a delusion that I've had since I started hearing voices at 7 (that if I make a mistake, I must be below human. If I do perfectly, then I'm above human. Basically, I don't believe I'm human). It's also related to strict parents.

Okay, now that you have some background, I'll get to the point. Ever since I was diagnosed with depression, I would have these acute "breakdowns." Basically, what happens is that I start obsessing over a mistake, finally decide that I'm worthless and need to be punished for that mistake. Mostly that involves self-harm, but last time I had one of these "breakdowns," I overdosed. No one irl knows what happened. I don't believe that a hospital stay will help; it'll just cause a disruption in my schedule and I usually sleep most of the time (I've been to the hospital 10 times due to suicidal thoughts). I'm not suicidal. I just wanted to punish myself. Usually, I'm not able to function as normal in this state.

This "breakdown" only lasts about an hour or two and it takes a couple days to recover. I've tried looking in every way possible to see what this is from, but most breakdowns last longer than a couple hours. Is it part of autism? I'm technically in the process of getting diagnosed, but I plan to talk about it during the first meeting since it really disrupts my day-to-day functioning when it happens. I also plan to talk with my psychiatrist about the last episode in particular.

I used to have these "breakdowns" nearly every night, but it's definitely decreased since I got onto the right combination of medications. I mostly just burnout in school from trying so hard. It's better than just lying there from depression then getting angry at myself for not trying at all.

The obsessing thing can be part of AS. I know I obsess about various subject matter. I get into things, and it could be something that lasts months, or just hours. And it could be something productive or destructive. Of late I've obsessed over writing, getting and a speeding ticket I got. The writing I'm fine with, but the rehashing out events of the speeding ticket, I haven't been able to shake yet.

Aw you poor thing. You sound like a very hard worker.
I think it's a good thing to always strive and try your best. But, as I'm sure you've been already been told this, nobody is perfect. I know you like to think of yourself as less human with your imperfections but believe me, imperfections and failures is what makes a human being. If everyone was perfect their wouldn't be any interesting conquering life stories or dramatic life turn arounds. It would be a boring world. Just by reading your writing I can tell your a intelligent individual. If you think your a failure just because others APPEAR to be excelling, take a chill pill. Appearances are deceiving. Plus, there are tons for loser slobs out there who make tons of mistakes. Do you think they're more human then you are? Pshaw! Heck no. Plus plus, you may not be giving yourself enough credit where credit is due, or you may just not take notice of the less successful people around you. I know you may feel that you need to punish yourself physically, but honestly the mental strife you give yourself is enough punishment. If you can't psyche yourself out of this mindset you'll probably need Psychotherapy some sort.
Any sort of breakdown is usually caused by a deep seated frustration. And hell, you got a lot to be frustrated about. Nobody wants to feel inadequate. I'm sure once you get these frustrations sorted your freak outs should decrease dramatically.
One thing to keep in mind is that stress will ALWAYS make any sort of mental condition worsen. My mom worked at a metal hospital for awhile and always noted how stress and cruelty would cause a practically "cured" crazy person to degenerate into a raging lunatic after months of treatment. Remove or reduce any stressors if you can help it and your metal condition will improve. Unfortunately, that's easier said then done. =.=

A couple of questions I'd like to ask if you don't mind:
Do you think your strict parents gave you this perfectionist complex or did it just sort of materialize after you started hearing voices? Did they have high expectations for you as a child? How would you describe your current environment?

Keep on trying and never give up!

Edit: Also clinical depression is a pain. I was depressed once and it's honestly feels like a ten pound weight pressing down on your brain. You may not realize it but the effort you are putting forth to conquer your inhibitions is what will make you into a successful person. And as a side note, did you know that Meriwether Lewis (Lewis and Clark) was a manic depressive? And hey! Look at him. He crossed the Americas and back.

Thank you for believing in me, Viridian. Yes, I've heard everything you have told me. But I don't expect others to be perfect. I only expect myself to be perfect.
I'm in therapy at the moment. She's a new psychologist, and she's okay so far. She accepts my unwillingness to change, especially since she does CBT and I have trouble with that. Trying to change my thoughts gives me nightmares and bad feelings throughout the day..

I had DBT in the past, and I found it to be useful. But the therapist is so far away and no one's willing to take me there that I had to switch. Also, going between college and home I've had an inconsistent therapy regimen.

I've found Abilify to be especially helpful. I couldn't pinpoint the reason behind it until my dad told me that it reduces irritability for kids on the Austism spectrum. I looked it up, and sure enough, it says on the Abilify website. I've noticed I'm not so irritated/hard on myself when I'm on it. The last time I had a breakdown I was forgetting to take it the week before.

To answer your question, I think it's both. I thought the voices were coming from God. I thought God has chosen me to be the next messiah (hence why I believe only I need to be perfect). I don't believe in the details of the delusion anymore, but the essence is still there: I'm not human.

My current environment is a lot more supportive. Both my parents have mellowed out.

If you would like to pm me, Viridian, that would be fine since I get e-mail notifications for pms and not thread replies.