24 Year old Woman Living with Grandma... Abuse inquiry

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It's taken a lot for me to write this... but I can't stand this anymore.

I am 24 years old and married, and my husband and I have had to live with my grandma because we can't afford to live on our own. He's trying to get full time employment, so far no good, and we're planning on leaving the state in a month or so... but in the meantime I'm falling apart.

My family in general is in denial about my autism, but my grandma does acknowledge it. She's also firm in her belief that I can "out think" or otherwise "just get over" my autism. My family won't help at all... grandma lets us stay with her, while maintaining a very toxic environment to my mental sanity.

I do believe that emotional abuse, if not verbal abuse, is happening, and I believe that my mother has, for as long as I can remember emotionally and verbally abused me.

I've always been scared, since acknowledging this, of telling others... but I need help.

I've applied to disability, hoping to get on it, and with it have governmental housing, healthcare, and an assortment of things to help me survive... but I was denied on the basis that my testimony- or rather someone's interpretation of my testimony and my testimony, were inconsistent. Thus, the judge threw out everything I told him, and just went off of medical reports... and his own imagination. It'll be another year or so before there's any hope of being on disability.

So... that being said, what are my options? I should say that I have a service coordinator, and I've told her I feel "unsafe" and I question her judgement of having "safe livable conditions" for the time being, but she tells me to "be careful, because she does have to report any accusations of abuse." I feel like she's telling me to shut up about it, and be glad I ahve a home, no matter how unaccommodating that home is. I feel like she could do something to help, but instead wants me to be silent.

Here's a list of signs of emotional abuse, and the ones that make up my daily (or at least weekly) life with grandma have been underlined:

The behavior in question doesn’t stop or even pause when the recipient begins crying or asks for time to cool down. In fact, abuse may escalate as the abused person becomes more and more vulnerable, demeaned, afraid, and upset
The behavior is frequent – several times a week or month, as opposed to very rare (once every few years, for instance.)
Vulgar language, completely baseless accusations
Insulting or demeaning words in front of other people
“Arguments” are very one-sided; one person does all the talking, never listening, and is not kind to the other.
Threats of violence
Blatant cruelty This is questionable. I think to acknowledge that I have autism and directly refuse any accomodations is cruelty... but again, questionable
The abuser does not apologize
The abuser will not recognize the validity of anything his or her victim says
The presence of other forms of abuse – sexual or physical

Based on the above, I would say I have definitely been, and am being, emotionally abused by my grandma. I just want to know what are my options... and maybe some encouragement? I don't know. I'm not really down on myself- I just don't feel safe/wanted anywhere in this house. my room is generally safe.. but it's also an incubator, and I can't stand the heat there. So... yea... help?

It's one thing that your grandmother is nice she acknowledges your autism, but it's not cool at all that she and others are abusive.

I would say you have a good head on your shoulders, because you have first of all identitified that there is a problem, second overcome your reservations about dealing with it and third actually started taking steps.

One thing I had to learn from my own experience and watching others is that you do have to suck it up in moments like this. You're between a rock(unemployment and you and your husband not being able to live on your own), and a hard place(your grandmother's attitude).

Whenever I get in situations like this, I had to learn to initially be patient no matter how bad it got. I say this because, you can't just run away, escape, evade etc.. no matter how much you desire to. At some point, you have to return for your things, or to your bed, or your husband, and you need to eat. It will be trying for the next part of your life.

So don't stop trying to resolve your situation. You're doing good, but remember the patience thing. Nothing is immediate, and don't give up. Your situation is not static forever. It may feel that way, but it's not.

As some more specific suggestions
1) If you or your husband have any friends whatsoever, or even acquaintenances that have connections to get a job or housing for either of you don't be afraid to use them. Also sometimes if there is anything you do with others such as church, school, etc... can get you a lead to something.
2) Don't be afraid to take a less than stellar job that comes your way. Sometimes you trade one your problems at home for crap at work, but it gets you further in life. Very demanding menial jobs are sometimes all you can do, whether it's an entry level machine shop job or factory line, or a janitor. Temp agencies may help. Call centers are always hiring. Even if you get paid for a month of work and are let go or quit from burnout. That's still a month of pay. I don't know what your situation is health wise, but if your husband is capable, he can join the military which has super high risk, but it's an option.
3) Don't be afraid to go for two part time jobs. I know the economy sucks and this is happening more and more, but don't be reluctant.
4) You have aversions to things that you have to ditch the aversion in order to make it through the next short time in your life. You and your husband do what you need to do to survive, and sometimes that means doing questionable things. I'm not saying breaking the law, but if you fear something and the only job you get directly confronts that fear, you have to get over the fear.
5) Your husband right now is your greatest ally. He has his problems and you also have yours and some are the same and some are different, and even if yours seem overwhelming, do what you can to help him with his.
6) Don't give up.

:

Stardraigh:

I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I do know that without my grandma, I would have been homeless for the last year since we were kicked out of our apartment for not being able to pay rent. Still... sometimes you have to wonder if homelessless would be better....

My grandma's acknowledgement of my autism is about to the extent to say "yea, you're not normal" but she treats it more like a persistant cold- one that after so long you should just shrug your shoulders to and say "well, that sucks but time to continue with life". The problem being, while I'm trying to "continue on with life" (I'm enrolled in Ashford University and currently a Junior. And for once I've been in school over a year- and I don't hate it! Some of it is rather challenging, but I don't hate it. ) but things that are caused by, or at the very least influenced by, my autism (such as executive dysfunctioning of which I have a really horrible case of) make it impossible to just "get on" with life, like one might a persistant cold.

Also, this is very new to me. I know growing up I'd cry alot, and my mother would continue her screaming and whatnot, long after I got tired of trying to logically explain what she was incorrect about.... but I would have never called it abuse- even today... until my Ninny (paternal grandmother) died. I was 22 years old, on short term disability because my work at the office was too much for me to handle, and my Ninny fell and shattered her hip... at the hospital they said she had lung cancer, and that it'd taken over the bones in her body- she had 2-6 weeks to live. She died 2 weeks after that, and in the aftermath I spent a LOT of time with my biological family (hubby doesn't handle death well, so he largely left me alone with them... despite my pleas to stay with me.) Anyways.. my mom lost it while we were there more-or-less alone. It was Sunday, and everyone was gone to church, or otherwise not at Ninny's house. My mom started losing it... and I mouthed to my dad to call my husband. This inferiorated mom so much- and she went into what is easily one of the 5 most traumatic- if not the most traumatic- meltdown/fit that I have ever had to be a part of. I didn't try to fight this one- just curled up into a ball and tried to phase it out. I was crying, for some of it. the rest I was just... immobilized.

Anyways, my aunt WAS there, and she eventually came and collected me off the couch, saying that ninny would have never let that happen, and that it was nothing less than abuse. For the first time in my life someone tended and cared for me in the aftermath. I couldn't walk- I kind of half-crawled/was half-carried, as she took me out to the car and took me to my apartment where my hubby was. Being with him helped me a lot, and in a few hours I was more-or-less functional again (despite being my greatest ally, and one family member that I am actually close to, I handled my Ninny's death fairly well... at the time anyways) and began to worry about my mother- was she ok, would she off herself because of me? My aunt told me mom would be fine, and that others at the house would take care of her, and to focus on myself.

The difference between my mom and my grandma? My mother DOES appologize. After the fact, when the damage is already done, but she DOES appologize. my grandma sees herself as doing no wrong.

But I'm not ready to talk about that just yet.

Anyways, so I got back to "headquarters" (husband in tow) and my mind was reeling with the word my aunt used. "Abuse". I'd heard of it, I was taught like everyone else in health class what the signs were- but I wouldn't call what my mom did, on a semi-regular to regular basis abuse. We all know she has mental problems (undiagnosed, but I suspect borderline personality disorder in the way I suspected I was autistic), and I usually dod do something (despite not entirely knowing what these somethings were) that caused the tirades. Was this instance extreme? Yes... and no. It seemed to go on forever, but they always do, and I felt similar to how I usually felt after- minus the immobilization. Though I usually felt like that durring a fit. Anyways... my aunt planted the seed.

And just like I do with everything I may not understand or am curious about- I researched it, and came to the uneasy conclusion that there was both verbal and emotional abuse where my mother was concerned. But I did nothing with that information, except talk to my husband, and slowly limit how much I saw her, and what I said when around her (or try to anyways).

Unfortunately, I miss my mom. And I try to connect with her.. only to be proven again and again why I should stay away. I never do though. Not for long. And she notices when I don't stop by.... and then I get accused of not caring about her, or not being a good daughter, or whatever else and I feel all bad again. Because I do care. Despite all this, I do love my mommy. The one that I feel is burried so deep she doesn't even know she exists, but whom I often see after all those tirades. Anyways, suffice it to say that while traumatic, I can "live with" my mom and her denial of my autism and even the abuse- though as it is abuse, it does still hurt quite a lot.

Onto grandma....

Grandma only sees how "generous" she is being by letting us stay and all the "sacrifices" being made on our behalf. I've told her things I need in order to be able to cope- and she will not hear of it. I'm supposed to keep my area immaculate, and come down and socialize with her and my family... but I often don't. I haven't learned to keep my cool with her most of the time (I'm starting to) because the things she says makes my blood boil (figuratively, and literally. my anger at her words have, at times, given me a headache from blood rushing all over the place). She's very good at making me feel like I'm the "incorrect", "bad", one, despite the fact that I know I'm, as I've always been, very logical and well--founded in my thoughts and actions. Executive dysfunctioning not withstanding.

It's my grandma's lack of appology, and persistant ability to turn a blind eye to my suffering, despite acknowledging it, and to even go as far as to tell me to "get over it" and that I dont' "really know what suffering is" and even tell me HOW my disability effects me, that causes me to have to break my silence and seek help. I can't handle it anymore, and my ability to function is being sacrificed in favor of her "rules" and prefrences that are not up for debate. She is the type of person that will say

"We need to talk. This isn't working" and while I agree 1000%.... she will always be the one talking in this case, and new changes are NEVER for my benefit.

My husband and I DO break the occasional rule (out of her sight. When she's away for the day or sleeping), but she always finds out about it... and then I dont' look so innocent, especially in her eyes. Because she "is so genoerous and doens't have a lot of rules- but you willingly disregard the ones I do have"

As far as running away... as horrible as it is, once we leave the state, I don't care if I ever see her again. I'll probably keep in touch with, and come visit my mother, but I will not, to any degree, miss my grandmother.

We're moving out of state for a better economy, as much as to get out of here. We have an oppertunity to house sit for some people for 2 weeks, and they have said they would be willing to consider letting us stay if needbe... but it's still a huge gamble.. If it doesn't work out... oh God I don't want to think about that. It has to work out. For the love of all things holy, and my sanity, it has to work out. But either way, we can't leave until at least near September. So... I guess we're getting to the end, but the closer to the end (or hopefully the end of it) the worse it gets according to how I feel safe or not... And, of course, there's the worry that things will fall through and there will be no savior from this at all.

We have been trying to use connections, but both of us are pretty isolated. So far, this has been futile. But we will continue to do so.

I cannot handle any amount of work at the moment.. other than the occasional and sporadic odd-job (babysitting is my best bet because I love kids). Anything with a semi-normal schedule will be to much though. To that extent I do what I can.. but what I can doesn't seem like much at all :-/

Wow. First of all, I am sorry about all of this--it's more than anyone should have to go through.

Your grandmother sounds like a martyr. I've known people like that, and there is NO changing them. Ever. All that matters is how "wonderful" they think they are--and yes, of course, they are NEVER wrong about ANYTHING.

What your mom did to you, and what your grandmother is doing now, is abuse. No two ways about it. There is no, no, NO excuse for their behavior, no matter what you supposedly "did" to set them off (which is a load of BS, IMO)--too bad. No one has the right to treat anybody that way. Ever.

I hope the move in September works out. Until then...is there any way you could get in touch with your aunt? She seemed sympathetic and acted like a decent human being.

Conundrum: She was sympathetic then... but I think she thinks it's a one-off thing. I've not come out and told her that I felt I was being abused here, but I have said I don't feel safe, I want out, ect. and she hasn't offered any way out. She has two kids of her own, and a husband, and there's not really room at their house for one, let alone two extra people.

I asked my sister today, if she thought we'd been abused and the conversation went like this:



Me: just curious... that fit she had after grandma's death... it didn't seem THAT far out of the ordinary to me... but aunt beck was mumbling about "blatent abuse" and... it's kind of stuck with me. so I was curious what you thought, since no one but you really knows what it was like like I do


Her: I've always thought it was a bit of abuse but not like some people have it

Me: ok. I was just curious. thanks. I don't know what difference it makes now... except I think grandma is abusing me? similar type... but it's worse bcause she doesn't appologize. mom always did. grandma is convinced she's right regardless...
anyways, just prayers for me that the north dakota works out

Her: it's not their fault, it's something wrong with their brain

Me: I can pin mom's- it's obviously borderline personality... but I have no idea what is grandma's issue. maybe that's why I'm more sympathetic to mom

her: yeah, your not very sympathetic to gma and she's really old so you should probably cut her some slack

Me: it's not BDP though. it's not autism... I really have no clue. and I know a lot different disorders
there's no excuse for some things sis. and the fact that she is unapologetic gets to me like no other.

Her: remember she was raised in totally different era/environment than we were

Me: I know... but I still have a hard time understanding how she possibly thinks some things are ok



And that was pretty much it. So my neurotypical sister (VERY NT) at least had the passing thought... it honestly did not occur to me once until the time spoken of above with my aunt.

What gets me about grandma, is at first glance she appears to be on my side. and EVERYONE sympathizes with her. But then you just look a little closer, and suddenly it's very apparent that she's not. It's so confusing!

Do you have any advice for how to deal with this for the time being? (Anyone can answer as well)

I have, since being diagnosed and not being able to work, noticed that I "plant" myself, or "center" myself somewhere, and I don't like to move for long periods of time (minus bathroom, if this place is the bed (likely), this can go on for weeks without my being cognizant of it. And it's not that I can't move, I just don't want to. And if I have to- I don't like having to come back soon. Doing so results in a mental, if not complete meltdown, and makes me agitated for days on end. So to put this in a real-world example:

When my grandma did not allow us to use a fan, on heat advisory days we would go spend the night at my mother in laws- one place that I do feel safe. The thing is, she lives with her sister, and her sister refuses to let us stay more than a day at a time- 2 days if things are just totally horrible heat-wise. They don't really let me talk about the environment here otherwise, other than to know grandma is controlling enough to not allow ac/fans to be used. Anyways.... my mother in law works most of the day- from like 7am to 9pm or something like that 5 days a week. So if we spend the night, often times we go there at the rear-end of the night, and come home early in the morning before she goes to work. And oftentimes, when I really need to get away for non-heat reasons, I will opt not to, because it's too much "relocating" and I just have to be right back here anyways.

Where this particular "relocating adversion" comes from, I do not know. I never had it before I broke and became "lower functioning" (My label, not by standards of psychology, but standards of where I was, and where I am). But now it's very much a real part of my life. And where this ties in with my grandma....

Our room is too hot to live in. We are now (after a LOT of arguments and fights and breaking the rules when we could) allowed to have a fan in there... but in this heat it does little to help the heat in that room. It's odd, because there's an air condition vent, and all, and she does allow MINIMAL ac now (though this is one of her "sacrifices" as she prefers the heat to the cold" but it makes little to no impact in our room. And only in our room- the rest of the house alternates between comfortable, to even a little chilly (unfinished basement that is totally unlivable). So since we can't keep that room cool, I've had to go to the downstairs (read non-bedroom main area) and hide out in the office/extra room. We asked to sleep there, and she approved of that... with the cost that we wake up "in the morning" (my circadium rythm is off... something she grudgingly accepts while griping about it when I'm upstairs) and put our air matress away, clean up the area so that you can't tell we slept here (she does not "live" in the house. EVERYTHING she does is made as if it didn't happen when she is done- it's creepy) and either return to my bedroom (this doesn't make a lot of sense as an option, I mean, if it's too hot at night- it's REALLY too hot in the day) or alternatively, I can stay on the couch down here in the living room (no social blocks) or in the office with the door opened. None of these options are appealing, and even if allowed ot keep the door closed, the putting away the air mattress, pillows, and other things every day drives me bonkers. It's the relocating thing.

Anyways, I've tried explaining this to her and I get "you'll just have to get over that". Do you have any ideas?

@shaybugz: send me a PM. Please. Or, if it's okay, I'll send you one--let me know.

Done.

Thanks. I've written to you there. Hope it helps.