Self harming

Post Reply New Topic

I cut myself again today
Because of my irrational parents
"Mom is never wrong" is not a legit reason why I am wrong, sigh
Funny enough the first time I cut myself was because of my parents too

I have a driving lesson tomorrow
I am not walking out of the house wearing long sleeves in this boiling heat, just because my parents are gonna be ashamed of my arms

I was on a bus in L.A. going to my job in Glendale. A 19 year old girl got on and stood near me. She reached up and held the strap with her left arm for support.

The inside of her arm looked like a tiger's limb. There were dark red stripes everywhere.

I said to her, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?"
She answered, "At first, then the pain goes away."
"Why do you do it?"
"I go through a lot of things. I'm stressed."

I'm glad she even talked to me about it. I was expecting, "None of your damn business!"

To this day I really don't understand cutting or its necessity. I just try to keep an open mind and realizes it happens because people really are in deep psychological pain and it helps them cope.

But it makes me wonder, though: is it a precursor to suicide?

I would have never talked to strangers, let alone one asking about my scars
For me it's an alternative way to express my sadness, anger etc.
People keep telling me I cry too much, but that's the only way I know to express myself, but I found cutting so it's an alternative
But yea, when I used to cut a lot I was suicidal as well

I've only cut a few times, but still have the scars.
It seems they will never go away.
For me it was that I was so frustrated, feeling so distant from my emotions, and feeling so hopeless.
My marriage had broken down, I had left my job, and in my late 20's was living with my parents, whilst my now ex wife was living with my child.
My life had fallen apart and I had already had a failed suicide attempt, which others had written off as a drink driving incident; perhaps thinking I was irresponsible (which I am not) was easier for them to believe than that my depression was a threat to my life.
I was medicated to the eyeballs, and wanted to know how it feels to run a blade down my arm, to know if I could face the pain if I decided to use that method for suicide.
Also I just felt emotionally numb and distant, and thought that feeling pain would be better than the sense of feeling nothing.

The first time I just did it tentatively, and it hurt.
The next time I was drunk, cut a little and passed out.
Sometimes I wish that I had cut deeper and had not survived; but it's over a decade ago now.
It wasn't bad enough to need stitches, but it was pretty obvious and took a while to heal.

From experience I would say if you have started to cut stop, do something else and discuss your feelings and difficulties with someone.
Anything is better than causing yourself harm, and most people if you tell them that you have and feel like self harming will be quite shocked and likely to offer any help they can.
Find someone you can trust and tell them, and if that's too hard go to a doctor or other health professional; they are required to assist where possible and maintain confidentiality unless you request them to share information with someone.

For a long time I would wear long sleeves, even in summer.
For some time I wore a watch with a large band to hide the scars that are still clearly visible - but right where a thick watch band or wrist band can cover.

Nowadays I don't intentionally cover it at all - though this is recent and it is winter here, so the long sleeves generally hide it, but it's about being warm not intentionally hiding.
I intend to expose my scars when the warmer weather comes, and will talk freely to whoever is comfortable enough to ask if they notice them.
I'm sick of living in denial, pretending everything is alright when it isn't and being ashamed of my past, including self harm and suicidal thoughts, and previous attempt.
If anyone cares enough they should ask, and if they don't or they're ashamed or embarrassed if they see my scars, then they aren't the sort of people I want to talk to anyway!

As a teen, I had a major problem with self-harm. It was something that progressed from stress behaviors as a kid, I think. Skin picking, hair pulling, lip biting, etc, eventually, as a teen, escalated into cutting. I cringe writing that word, that is how much I regret it now. Yes, in some way, it helped me survive a very traumatic part of my life by redirecting impulses that might have been even more harmful.....but, I wish I had been taught some better ways to cope. 6 years later, stronger, with a life and psyche on the mend, I still have the scars to remind me and draw me back to that hard, sad place. I know that, at the time, nothing anyone told me would have convinced me to stop. I had to be ready, myself. But, I am here hoping that your time to be ready to stop and find a less permanent way to cope is coming soon.

I can show you how to make better tools for coping.
Cutting is complex enough that I don't know that I can do much there directly.

But I can show you how to reprocess your history to create better coping methods for the here and now.
Especially for that "Mom is never wrong" stuff. I can show you how to come up with some really creative ways to deal with that -fast, easy, durably.
"Mom" problems may never come up again, at the very least it will be much better dealing with her. StabilizingAutism/unsolicited-advice (new since yesterday)

I had a client at Christmas time with profound "Mom stuff", used to get chained to a doghouse for days at a time. Successes w/Autism
Positive Auto-cognitive Reprocessing is basically just asking your mind to make your 'life flash before your eyes'* and reanalyze it for making better outcomes.


*you wont actually see it, it's much too fast and will probably happen while you are sleeping. Nightmares are unlikely.

I am forced to live in denial every day
My parents are always ashamed of me
It's probably why our family seemed so glamorous and strong together, because they sweep every bad thing under the carpet
I am going out today with my bare arm
No more hiding
If they tell me to wear long sleeves I'm going to say no

The truth is I probably will cut again.
2 months with my family
Just the thought of it upsets me so much
But thank you all

OK
At least the sunshine will feel nice.

I don't think it's neccessarily a precursor to suicide, at least not for everyone. For some of us, it's just about being able to breath again.
When everything inside hurts and you feel like your soul is on fire and you are drowning in in heartache and pain... Then that first cut can help jerk you out of it. And the second one will start draining the emotional pain, and you just keep going until you only have that emptiness left inside, that bliss, the absence of pain. And, the shame and guilt and bitterness of knowing that you need to do that to yourself. Like a junkie you resolve to quit, and go weeks and months and sometimes even years, then when s**t hits the fan, you end up sitting with that razor and the shame and self-loathing.

I've never cut, but I used to use nails and other pointed objects from paper clips to knives to put pressure with the objects points into my thumbs. I'd do it right above the last joint on the pad of the thumb. I haven't done it in a few years. I have what seems to be a permanent callous on the thumb of my left hand. My right hand thumb seems to have fared better. I'd do it to the extent where I'd have a blood seeping hole or cut on my thumb if not a blister. I've ony had it get infected twice, and because of that I had to break myself of it. The last time it got infected, half the skin on the pad of my thumb started peeling off and it made the use of the hand super annoying with the raw exposed sub layers of skin. It wasn't fun.

Another thing I would do for self harm is eat food I'm allergic to with the rationalization I don't give a crap about my health. I don't go into anaphylactic shock but, eating food I'm allergic to really messes with my health. I've gotten good now at not doing giving into temptation, but for a while I just didn't care about it, and knowing the consequences, I'd just gorge myself on what would make me sick. I think this was rooted in apathy about myself. And for what I'm allergic to, it's pretty easy to eat something I'm allergic to -- My food allergies that I know of are -- Soy, Corn, Wheat, Cow Dairy, and Chicken(meat and eggs). I'd go hit up the store and just by all the desserts, and just gorge myself on them because I wanted something that would at least make me feel good in the very short term, even if I'd be worse off later. I needed my fix of feeling something, and I didn't care. I'm better at this now. I still eat on occasion things I'm allergic to, but it's a matter of last resort or I mitigate it with medication, instead of, I hate myself and I'm going to eat a whole thing of cow dairy ice cream.

I'm curious, other than cutting, are there any other methods of self harm that we go into that don't immediately jump to mind.

I imagine there are plenty.
Like you mentioned, eating things that are not good for you.
And pretty much anything that cause you pain, from heat to cold to corrosives to I don't even know.
Also deliberately putting yourself in dangerous situations.

Cut myself again last night
12 times
just thought "good, need another one" after each one
I'm going back into self harming again, sigh

I'm really sorry that you are going through this right now. As someone that has self-harmed in various ways (don't feel like going into it) I know there is a way out and a way to feel better. Don't feel too guilty, though. You need to be in the right frame of mind to try to stop self-harming and you should focus on feeling a bit better first.

You say you found a way to break out of the pattern of self-harm. Do you have any tips or techniques that helped you, other than being in a 'happy place'?

Self-harm is often triggered by stress and traumatic memories for me. I find removing myself from the situation helps, as does punching pillows. It's not easy. It's not something I've completely got away from, either. You really need to talk and not hold anything back when you do. You could try phoning a support helpline like the Samaritans.

I agree with stress and traumatic memories being the trigger for me
I can't seem to find a way out other than cutting lately
I tried going to sleep but I just couldn't
I laid in bed and stared at my ceiling for hours before thinking "That's it" and grabbing my knife