I'm Really Starting To Hate My Life

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Firstly, I apologise of this post is in any way incoherent. It's late and I'm somewhat tired.

I don't have any questions to ask in this thread. I'm just sick and tired of my life right now, and just need to rant.

School

I'm fifteen, and I attend a mainstream high school. Although my experiences are nothing compared to what some people on WP have experienced, it's all starting to get to me. I'm sick of having to deal with immature, moronic, intolerant, shallow-minded Neurotypical teenagers on a daily basis. I'm tired of listening to them squaking about their dull, repetitive Facebook/Twitter fights, I'm tired of being socially excluded, I'm tired of being mocked by teenagers when all I'm doing is innocents walking down the f*****g street, and I'm sick of their constant desire to make life utterly miserable for anyone who isn't quite as absolutely pathetic as they are. I'm also sick of certain teachers being unfriendly and aloof with me because I'm quiet and don't regularly engage in "banter".

It's Summer now, and I've been out of that hell-hole for two weeks now, but I'm still incredibly stressed because of the BS I have to deal with there. I also have exams after Summer, and I'm concerned because I can just barely handle the stress of school without all of the extra revision and work, so how on earth will I cope after Summer?

You know, when I come home from school most days, I can't even be bothered to greet my parents. School, and the requirement that I socialise so much, and with such awful people mentally and physically exhausts me to the extent that I go to my room and sleep for at least an hour and a half once I get home from school. I'd probably break down if I didn't.

Family

My parents aren't so bad. They do their best to help me and make life as easy as possible for me, but they often become offended by things I say and completely overreact, when I don't even realise that I've said anything out of the ordinary. It's tiresome, especially when they don't even attempt to explain what it is that I've supposedly done to offend them. Whenever I attempt to resolve any disagreements we have, their response is always to insist that we just move on and never discuss anything to do with the situation again. Because that's the best way to solve disagreements. Sure.

My sister is also diagnosed with Autism, although she is significantly more impaired than myself in many ways. Right now, she is very insecure about her appearance, and questions people about it constantly. I counted today, and I've been asked the question "Am I gorgeous, or am I ugly?" 43 times! I understand that she's very confused right now, but the incessant questioning is REALLY starting to bother me. Refuse to answer? She thinks "If he doesn't answer, that means no/ugly" and thus, a meltdown ensues.

Friendship

For the last three years, I've been attending a social club for adolescents on the spectrum, and for the first time in my life, I made some real friends there. It was the only source of happiness in my life until Christmas 2013, when it moved to a new location - a library near my school. Frankly, it has been utterly horrific. We've had bullies from my school trying to break in, people looking in through windows shouting, and if all of that wasn't bad enough, the new venue is so far away from the old one that barely anyone who I knew from the old club attends anymore.

The old venue was a government building, but the lease recently expired, and obviously, wasn't renewed. It used to be like a safe haven for me, but now, the bullies from school are all right there, and most of the people I knew are long gone. Myself and the last remaining "original" have both decided to leave because of how dire the situation has become, which leaves only three members, only one of whom is guarunteed to show up ever week, so it's pretty much doomed! And my relationship with the other person who's leaving is somewhat strained, so we won't be seeing each other again. The psychologists who run it have said that they'll be searching for a new venue over the Summer. You know what I say? BS! I made my feelings perfectly clear to them, and they completely disregarded everything I said. They don't care enough to look for a new venue! I can imagine them right now; having tea and scones while texting on their council-paid iPhone 5s, not thinking of how much a group of young Autistic people's lives have been DESTROYED by their actions, or lack thereof.

That place used to be a great resource for Autistic adolescents in my city, but now ... I'd rather spend my spare time attending FAAS and Autism Speaks conferences than going back there. Just the thought of what has been so cruelly taken from us brings a tear to my eye.

Wrong Planet

WP is no longer a helpful resource for me. I've been unable to make any friends here since my arrival exactly one year ago. Yes, I had an account here before "Kuribo" but I chose to have it locked because I just got into arguments every single day. I don't like how big WP is. Some days, I'll browse through the forums and not see even one familiar username. I have tried smaller Autism support forums, but eventually, someone will join and I'll clash with them instantly. I then end up either leaving because I'm tired of their BS, or I end up being banned for retaliating against their behaviour.

Now that I no longer have any friendships, all I have to live for are my special interests, which I'll be spending even less time researching now that I have to revise for exams which I'll probably f*****g fail anyway due to the f*****g additional stress I'll be under. Will I even make it to sixteen??? What do you think???

I'd be frustrated, too. I don't blame you for leaving WP because we pretty much throw in our two cents and don't really provide moral support. It's not like the "Good-Bye, Cruel Nest" Proboards where someone will mention something moderately unfortunate and then a dozen people will chime in. "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! T&P" (thoughts and prayers, but no action).

If suicide were easier, then I'd predict you would take your life.

But because even a botched suicide is mind-rackingly painful, a successful suicide hurts unimaginably as the body's muscles all contract simultaneously in a death throe. Even if you overdose (OD) on prescriptions (I'm not a pharmacologist or anything), you'd probably wake up for several minutes of excruciating pain as your heart tries to pump but bursts, tons of internal bleeding ensues, clogging the lungs so it's like drowning, etc.

Hanging would snap the neck, but g0dd@mn3d is it sore if the ligature breaks before your spinal cord snaps. A noose which slips to not snap your neck but chokes you to death is excruciating like the aforementioned death by toxicity.

I would advise against suicide by motor vehicle accident because the chances of dying are incredibly small (not sure percentage-wise except from what I read in high-speed accident reports) such that you'd be more likely to end up paralyzed but alive -- living hell +1.

Of course, all suicide methods are potentially disabling, and the thought of that has always scared me away from attempting suicide.

Oh, and don't tell anyone who knows your real life name, or else you'll probably be court ordered to take more medication than you did previously. It's not like counties have insane asylums anymore for people like us to chill and grapple with their demons.

There, there. Whenever I see people being suicidal my heart breaks for them because I know what it's like to lose all despair.

All I can say is to hang in there and it gets better. How do I know that? Because it's happened to me.

I remember wondering if I would make it past 15. It was about my roughest year. Between school bullies and street gangs I lived just trying to get thru each day one at a time.

I happened to move then, and decided to hide my real self and put on the mask. I couldn't hardly ever remove it for quite a few years, until I was well into 20's and then only occaisonally with certain people (who were masked themselves).

It kind of stinks you just can't be yourself, but that is the situation.

my motivation for living became the simple goal of "to spite them all". My drug addicted father seemed to believe that it was his mission in life to cause me misery. He publicly humiliated me every where we lived. He harassed any other children who befriended me in spite of myself. Any time one of those children were female, he seemed jealous that I had a female friend and would publicly humiliate her until she refused to socialize with me. I made enough problems for myself. I didn't need the added stress.

A female friend counselled me during the most depressing point of it all, "choose to live just to spite them all. Find out what works for you, no matter how long it takes, no matter how hard it becomes. Live to spite them all."

Perhaps this advice can be used in your life to help make it through the rougher times.

Hello Kuribo, do you have contact details for your friends from the other center? Can you guys get together and organise your own meetings?

What are you special interests? What are your plans for after school, have you made any?

Stay strong, more independence is coming to you.

Best wishes, NW.