Feeling isolated, my own fault

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The other day I was having bad PMT and also feeling distressed overwhelmed because of lots of different things what were all happening at once (I won't go into everything), and my brother tipped me over the edge by butting in and saying something that just pushed my buttons, and I lashed out calling him a very VERY unpleasant word. After that everybody (including him) has been angry with me, even though they have been talking to me over the rest of the week-end, they still seem a little funny with me and will yell at me at any little mistake I make.

My brother is the type of person you cannot reason with, so it makes it even more awkward to approach him and say sorry because he still won't listen and will make the situation 10 times more awkward than it should be, so I brought him a bag of sweets instead, to say sorry, and I told him so (thought it would be less awkward if I said ''these are for you from me to say sorry''). But he claimed claimed he doesn't like them, and the sweets have been sitting in the same spot for a couple of days.

But anyway that's not the point. Sometimes when I'm all distressed and angry, I lose the ability to filter out what I should and shouldn't say, so sometimes I yell out the most unpleasant word to kind of relieve the anger out of me, because it's not a word I use otherwise. But my aunties have even said, ''we didn't think you was as nasty as that'', and even my mum said, ''if your boyfriend knew you said that to your brother he won't like you any more.''

I now feel so isolated, because yelling unpleasant words at people is unacceptable (I already knew that) and I feel there was no excuse for me to do it. But I can't say I didn't try to make it up to my brother, and I don't know what else to do. Not only have I upset my brother and the rest of my family family, I have also upset myself by making myself feel isolated and bad.

i do this too, and i always feel so awful afterwards. I get so frustrated with people sometimes, and I feel so hurt, that i just want to immediately hurt back, and i'll say something really nasty that i don't really mean, or believe at all. When i was little i would bite other kids, or push them, or punch them. It's the same feeling, i guess. I'm just so ashamed that i can't seem to manage my anger any better now than i did when i was nine.

My wife is the same as you in that way. Normally she is a very nice and pleasent person. But if she gets really stressed out or feels under attack (verbally) she will say really surprizingly hurtful things. Much worse then I would ever even consider saying to her. It sometimes seems that when she is verbally or mentally injured, her response is to deliver a killing blow in return. And I must admit it can be effective in shutting down whomever is being critical. I know at her work place more then one has learned that she has buttons one does not push. Being the one on the recieving end it has been hard, but I ultimately found that there were two different situations that caused it and understanding them has helped prevent it from happening much of the time. I am just going to say what they are and hopefully it may have some applicability with your situation.

First, never attack (be accusitive) or put her on the defensive verbally. Deal with issues in a calm thoughtful manner or wait till you can deal with it calmly.

Second, and this is for me, do not bring up potentially conflict causing issues when I am in a hyper or aggrivated state. I am most likely to say accusitive things in such states and my normal ability to be calm is very weakened. Its easy to break my own rules in other words.

Doing those things consistantly comes close to eliminating outbursts on her part. It seems like only when she feels threatened that she loses her even keel.

The only other time is when outside circumstances really stress her out. She is NT, so it doesn't happen often and mostly involve car issues for some reason. If her car breaks down or won't start she gets really unreasonable & has to be handled very carefully. Something perhaps about losing the ability to move, or being stuck, really upsets her.

Your brother sounds pretty unapproachable, and that is really his own problem and will tend to rebuff people away as long as he is so. The important thing on your part was to do something to try and express regret, and you did that. If someone does not forgive, there is nothing more you can do, except avoid repeating it.

Don't know if this helps, but it certainly rang a lot of familiar bells.

[quote="Toy_Soldier"]My wife is the same as you in that way. Normally she is a very nice and pleasent person. But if she gets really stressed out or feels under attack (verbally) she will say really surprizingly hurtful things. ]

do you forgive her for the things she says?

To be perfectly honest that has been one of the hardest things for me to do. I can let them go to an fair extent. Put them out of my mind that is. But when things become stressful between us sometimes they come back into my head. Part of the problem is wondering if she really meant it, if that is how she really feels underneath, and if underneath that is how she still feels. I have talked to her about them more then once, and she has either said that it was based on real feelings but that they are no longer valid, or that she was exagerating in anger. But trust took very lasting damage, that continues to this day. I think she understands how much it shook me and so on my part I look for time and her not repeating them again to heal this particular thing.

Sorry Joe90, for straying into my own issues here.

Toy Soldier, sometimes i say mean things that i realize in retrospect i fear are true. I accused someone recently of being deceitful and manipulative and cruel because i don't understand his actions or his reasons for treating me the way he does. I felt that way about him in the moment, but really, I wish he'd prove me wrong and convince me otherwise. Not the most effective way of seeking reassurance...

i hope your brother forgives you Joe90. I'm feeling really bad too.

What you describe is a bit different situation. Although its not the most effective way to deal with issues, valid criticisim even when given in anger is still valid. As the reciprient, it might not be pleasent, but the truth is something to work with and identified faults something to work on.

I haven't given any examples, but they are a few notches above that type of thing.