Numb..

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I don't even feel anything when I put a sharp knife against my throat. I really thought I would. Maybe I would've slit it if it wasn't for that I want to get rid of some things, before I die. Things that would be embarrassing for my mom to find, afterwards.

I have no reason to live, anymore. This world is not for me to be in. I ended up on the wrong planet. I should start over in a new life. I won't find my true love in this life, and I have no other purpose, either...... and I am so utterly lonely, as well. No use to try to make friends, either..... they wouldn't like me and I wouldn't like them. That's the most likely scenario.

Anyone else use to have this thought, that you're out in the city when someone suddenly appears before you, to rob you. He points a gun at you, close to you, but instead of giving him your valuables, you place your hands on the gun and redirect it to your heart, and gently tell him, "Please kill me." I don't know how many times I have thought that......

Please don't do anything like that. They tell me (all the time) that it gets better. You might want to see a specialist in depression or something. Or just talk to your friends, on here. You are VALUED!

I used to see a therapist, before, but they said I had to see someone else, now, since I have Asperger's. Also, I couldn't tell them that I have suicidal thoughts, anyway. If you don't keep quiet, they have the right to incarcerate you. Apparently, they think the best idea is that their "patients" just kill themselves, after they have had time to test bad or useless drugs/"meds" on them, or after they have gotten the chance to train themselves a bit more as the worthless "therapists" they are. And no, the ones I had been seeing, recently, were the "best" ones I had ever talked to, so it's not that they were unusually bad or anything.

I doubt I am valued, on here. I doubt anyone would even remember me in a year. A lot of people actually dislike me, on here, due to some things I want that isn't even any of their business. Or, because I am against censorship of anime. No more good animes like Elfen Lied, anymore, thanks to it, and those people are just smiling about it. It depresses the hell out of me. The fact that the times of good anime is ending is enough of a reason to kill myself. Anime is the only thing keeping me alive, for now. I have already lost hope on finding my true love, so all that remains is something which I know isn't going to last. It isn't going to get better. This world only is getting worse and worse, and I have no desire to live in it, anymore.

Maybe try going to a place you had a good time, try to relive it in your head. That's what I do when I get o be feeling really bad. You are valued, though. Everybody is valued, but everybody also has people who dislike them. Maybe you should talk to someone older than me, though, because I am just a kid. Talk to a relative or real life friend, even if you don't talk about being depressed. Talk about when things were good.

Yes, I have had dark thoughts like that many times in my life and yes, it does get better. Life goes in cycles and there are always peaks and valleys. For those of us prone to depression and despair, the valleys sometimes feel like a bottomless abyss, but if you are patient, they always pass.

I recently went through a period like that myself, when my home environment and living arrangements were turned completely upside down by another person who had absolutely no regard for the trauma they were causing me and I had no control over the havoc they were wreaking.

As for never finding your true love, you can't know that for certain and wouldn't it suck to check out minutes or days before you were destined to meet? Even if your statement is true, it wouldn't mean that you could never know love at all, any more than you can be sure that if you did find your true love, you wouldn't lose them tragically.

I met my soul mate, fell in love, married and then lost her. I won't bore you with the whole story, but more than 30 years have passed since then and though we are still friends of a sort, our moment of perfection has passed and is long gone. I thought I would die of a broken heart, but I didn't. I survived, have gone on to love several more times and though none have ever been quite as intensely passionate, I now have a beautiful daughter and a darling granddaughter that I would not have if I had succumbed to my former despair and that is priceless. I'm sure your Mom feels the same way.

You are right about one thing - this is not our planet. I don't know how it happens that we end up being born into human bodies, when it seems so clear that this is not our natural environment. But, whatever cosmic harmonic convergence steers us here, a human life span is not as long as all that and its an adventure, even if its sometimes a hard and lonely one. There are upsides to it, so try to concentrate on those, even when there seem to be none in sight. You will have friends and you will know love - if you are patient. I can promise you that.

Cling to hope. Life is a series of cycles, so when you hit rock bottom, you know there are better times on the way, because there's nowhere to go but up from there.

LAlien, I don't mind that you are so young. Oftentimes, young people have better things to say than those who are older, anyway.

If I talked to people I know, they'd have nothing to say, anyway.... they'd just get depressed if I told them how badly I am doing.... of course, you said to talk about when things were good. I would say that was when I hadn't started school, when I was seven years old. School ruined my life. All I wanted to do was draw, and later also write stories, but I had to do all sorts of other things I didn't like, instead.... I remember how sad I was when I was supposed to start.... it's almost like I knew that my life already was over, back then.

Willard, if I took my life "minutes before we were about to meet", it would mean that it was my fate, anyway, and therefore, it also was her fate not to meet me at that point; we'd meet in another life, then, instead. As for at least finding love that isn't true love...... why would I want such a thing...? It'd just be to lie to yourself. I can do without that. I'd so much rather just die as a lonely virgin, instead.

You're right, by the way.... a human lifespan isn't very long... which brings me to another problem of mine... that I am getting older. While I still look young, I won't stay this way forever, and I can't possibly get old, either.... so it isn't just my unhappiness which is the issue. Seriously, I just can't understand why I became a human. Maybe the whole purpose of my life was to be in pain. I know others have it even worse, by the way. That just makes me feel even worse, though. I find it incredible that so many people actually find comfort in that they at least don't have it as bad as some others.

I've heard otherwise from some who thought they had reached rock bottom, by the way..... appears they actually hadn't. Hypothetically, it can always get better, as can it get worse.

My advice (and take it for what it is worth to you) is to dive into drawing and writing.If you are passionate about it, then it can be a safe hrbor in the most difficult times in your life. Most of the greatest works of art and the lasting works of literature have been a product of tortured souls trying to make sense of the agony of being alive.