white flags

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i'm not sure what to say. but i feel very near to giving up. i'm not sure how many more years (30 at this point) i can endure such inexorable confusion and traumatic difficulty. nothing around me makes sense. people don't make sense and trying to figure them out causes more emotional damage than it may be worth. it is literally painful. moreover, i don't see myself ever having a job, finishing school or living independently because my challenges always turn every effort into a disaster.

today was infamously bad. bad enough thay i do not think tomorrow or subsequent days can be salvaged, in light of recent events (yet another major life failure). i feel discouraged. the discouragement makes me depressed. the depression deactivates my problem solving skills and makes me feel hopeless. the hopelessness makes me think to quit life, in the very near future.

i feel like i'm supposed to ask some sort of question now that allows for discussion but i am to subdued to think of proper formatting. i guess i just came here to get some things off my proverbial chest in a safe environment since i don't have anyone to talk to in my life right now.

Thanks for sharing. I think we all get like that when we're down in the dumps. At least that's been my reality anyway.

Yes, I think we do all have some really bad periods. What I see though in your words is that you are undermining your own efforts. Looked at one way, success in anything is just the first time you don't fail. What are you comparing yourself to? You can only compare like to likes, so instead think in terms of being what you are, what we are. Don't take so much in at once and give yourself some breathing room. Work on something small, and build things back up again slow and sure.

I'm ten years younger and I must say I've passed that point, repeatedly. I'm still alive & kicking as a result of realizing the harm I can avoid doing to those close to me, and primarily as a result of drinking lots of tea, raising cats and talking to friends, highly educated friends mind you, about my inadequacies. The next time words really fail you, hope won't, because you've been there already. The more negative imagery your mind creates, the more positive stuff it's capable of creating. I wish I weren't, probably more than anything else, but I'm usually correct.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos