Tired

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I'm tired of feeling like i have to fight everyday just to survive or just to feel like I can be recognised by society and god forbid, my own family, as a human being. I don't want to keep fighting, I don't want to keep being told "but you're SUCH a survivor", I'm so tired of hearing that word. I'm tired of fighting for everything I need. I'm tired of every time I think life might be a little different, I might catch a bit of a break, my family might actually show some emotional support, getting all of it thrown back in my face. I'm so tired of fighting with myself just to have a little bit of self esteem. I'm tired of being in pain every day.

I want to give up.

No, I'm not being suicidal. I'm not threatening to hurt myself.

I just want to give up for a minute. Curl into a ball and have the world not exist or better yet, me not exist.

I'm just so tired of this, and tired of hoping and praying somehow it will get easier.

After 20 years of back and forth with my dad of "there's nothing wrong with you" & "OMG you're too mentally ill to make solid decisions...", Years of "There's no way you have anything wrong, but if you do, you're just using it as a crutch and need to try harder..." My dad decided to inform me how much he disagrees with my aspergers diagnosis, about how much he's "read about aspergers", and that theres no way I have it. Some of the greatest things from the conversation were informing me I don't eat weird stuff, so I cant possibly have aspergers or autism. And informing me all i do is argue, and focus on things too literally, and obsess, and suck at interacting with people, so obviously i have bipolar. ??????? Then proceeded to lecture me about how i shouldnt have a label, because all it will do is screw me up. And give me s**t that I havent finished my disability paperwork yet.

I'm tired of living in a world where this is the person in my family considered functional and neurotypical. And sane.

Sorry, just needed to mentally rant and scream all that, and for once, not subject my husband and roommates to the inside of my brain exploding.

crawling into pocket of nonexistence and hiding for a while now.

Just a quick thought. Whats the remedy for tiredness/fatigue? I think its a combo of rest and a break away from the stressors, but also doing some healthy and or fun activity. I know one can't simply let everything drop in most situations, but you can weave relief from certain fatiguing elements into your life. Lay aside what can be, don't see people that stress you out for a while, and focus on you/spouse.

I've heard them all, and it does hurt. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm still example a for "what happens when you don't apply yourself". It's like code for it's unacceptable not to be completely normal.

TS: Very true, the second R in R&R.

Toy, trying really hard to remember the whole r&r thing... The hardest part right now is a lot of things I normally do to destress, I can't physically do lately, which is of course adding to the stress. About 3 months ago, I developed what they are calling a conversion disorder, with pseudo seizures. Because of it, i'm having problems with walking, motor control, etc, and major memory issues. I can no longer drive, and had to give up my job. It's also unfortunately causing us (as i was the primary income) to have to depend on my family for a lot of help, esp financial right now, because of course, the systems and safety nets that should be helping us right now are repetively letting us fall through the cracks. So it's kind of hard to look at my father and say, hey, can you pay my rent, & oh yeah, cant handle the stress of being around you right now. (An exaggeration, I know, but yeah....) Unfortunately the condition is stress induced, and then causes me stress, so yeah vicious circle.

My husband is also somewhere on the spectrum, though currently undiagnosed. (We want to go through the process but both so overwhelmed by everything else right now...) We do the whole focus on each other thing and avoid stressful people as much as we can, and I will say we have a pretty great support system in each other in that we're open enough to usually just straight out ask for what we need from each other without much fear of misunderstanding even if it would seem odd to another person. Totally walked in to the apartment today, laid down on the couch in a ball, and just asked him to lay on me and cocoon me. It helps me feel safe and start to calm me down. He's really good about doing it w/out any pressures of asking me to explain whats wrong or why. Just like he knows when im upset i need him to hug me but i cant hug back. (the looks from our roommates are kind of hilarious sometimes, they understand as much as they can but are NTs.) The hard part right now is that my meltdowns are so constant and so strong that it gets more and more impossible for me to speak as i'm freaking out. Husband can respond to requests, its a logical thing, but cant mindread and sometimes makes it worse not knowing what to do. So we are trying to struggle our way through it to figure it out. (to the point of considering trying cards or cues or something for specific responses? Meltdowns are so bad lately I dont know if it would work or not but may try.) The hard part is the conversion disorder onset also set me back about 15 yrs worth of progress dealing with sensory issues, so I'm constantly overloaded, if tht makes sense. The rest thing too, chronic insomnia yet doc decided to take me off all sleeping meds because of seizures. Melatonin has NOT been a functional substitute unfortunately, I'm on a ten miligram dose and it doesnt phase me.

MjrMajor,

Ironically ive spent a major chunk of my life being just that, the example. My poor little sister has heard over and over her whole life about how if she doesnt keep trying hard enough, she'll be just like me. She's NT, hugely supportive, but at the same time because of how my parents have treated the differences between her and me, I think mildly resents my problems sometimes. She's often ended up in the elder sibling role, even though shes ten years younger than me.

Wow, i rant too much. lol, but its almost calming to be able to get it out, and get a different perspective on it. Probably going to go take an anxiety pill and try to sleep for a little while hubby decompresses with video games.