Freaking out about Change

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My sister, an Aspie, and I have had some issues recently. And I know our mutual Aspie traits (I'm not full blown, but definitely close) are definitely playing a role. She's converting to a new religion and the conversion itself is not what I'm freaking out about, so much as what it represents.

My sister is my world. I care deeply about her and if I had to name a person I was closest to, it'd be her. You want proof, see my pen-name. We used to see each other all the time, but now that we're living in different cities for the first time I'd gone weeks without talking to her. She'd been calling my parents pretty much daily, but not calling me. When I finally did see her, she revealed she was converting. And that was because I guessed it, btw, not because she was sharing intentionally. With the new religion, too, a lot of things that I would have said are very core to who she is are changing, too.

Basically, I was already feeling really vulnerable and insecure about our relationship, and then she didn't tell me something really important to her, and then things about her that I thought unchangeable started changing really rapidly. When I moved, I also moved away from my best and only friend (outside of my sister), who I'd shared a room with for four years, so basically I'm just feeling so vulnerable and disconnected from those I care about (who are, as I mentioned, my whole world) right now.

I keep freaking out every time she tells me something's changing (with no notice! I need a transition/warning/something!) and it has so little to do with the religion, and so much to do with the rapid changing/my anxiety issues/me feeling disconnected from her, but I don't think she realizes that. And then I start freaking out more because I think she thinks I'm a bigot or not accepting of religious people, so my one minute freak out turns into a 20 minute freak out because I'm trying to come up with something that will make it all be okay, but she doesn't have the social skills to help ease my discomfort, and I don't have the social skills to make the conversation not uncomfortable (I was thinking the other day that we desperately need a true NT to mediate), so basically it turns into a really non-constructive freak out.

And it's stressing her out because these conversations are way too intense for her and she doesn't want to discuss any of it and I feel terrible for making her feel bad. But I'm having more and more of the freak outs (okay, just three, but still that's a lot for me to have be expressed verbally) and I swear I realize they're not constructive, but it's almost like an out of body experience because the part of me that's thinking is telling the part of me that's talking to just shut up already and there's just a giant disconnect between the two.

I have very definite anxiety issues - no panic attacks, just generalized constant, pretty distressing anxiety, for which I'll be seeing a counselor soon, but the appointment's not for three weeks. I say this to show you that I freak out all the time and me freaking out on some level is pretty normal. But normally the freaking out stays inside my head. Now it's actually coming outside and it's making my sister uncomfortable, and if our relationship wasn't stressed before I'm definitely stressing it out now.

And our relationship is fine! Kind of. Not as close as it was, with us living different places, but she still loves me and I love her and I just had to take a break writing this for her to give me a hug (I'm visiting her at the moment) and she tells me that I'm perfect and amazing and she wants to keep me forever all the time. (Those statements are actually verbal stims for her, but I know she means them.) Logically, I know this. But I can't seem to stop freaking out. Help/reassurance would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. Please be kind in your reply. I really am anxious and it makes me more anxious when people get mad at me, and I've had it happen before on WP, so please just be nice if at all possible.

Honestly, I think you are not doing all that badly. Maybe different in different areas. As far as realizing what is really going on and why your pretty on the money, which is not easy. When it comes to aspie weak areas, like adjusting to change and what you call 'freaking out' their are problems, but that is to a point to be expected. That you will be seeing a counselor soon is also good, as that can be very helpful. How much a couselor can help depends on multiple factors: How competent the counselor is, how you get along, how much you cooperate, etc. It often is long process.

I would suggest you try and minimalize the 'freak outs' in front of your sister (in person or on the phone, etc). No matter how justified it is as far the raw emotion goes, it almost always has a negative effect on the other person. If seeing or talking to you is difficult, what is the predicable effect?

Another basic premise, that I believe to be true is that its easiest to deal with a loss or giving up of one thing when it is replaced by another. So in this case the faster you develop other more current closer relationships the easier it will be to deal with the diminishing role your sister plays in your life. That diminished role is also normal as siblings at some time usually part and may start their own families, or at least independant lives.

That doesn't mean you lose your sister's friendship and the special quality of it. It just evolves into the maturity version, which then can last a lifetime. I have 4 siblings and we have maintained close relationships for decades.

I suffer from random anxiety and depression. It just turns on and off at seemingly random moments and lasts for hours or days. I feel bad that you have that general anxiety. I know how it can wear and tear on you.

I don't know how your conversations go with your sister, but one thing I've learned to do with what few friends I have, and family is hedge everything with statements that indicate that I'm being cautious, or don't want to alarm them, or that I may not have the right words, but I'm doing my best to describe everything. I also usually follow up with a does that make any sense type of question to elicit a verbal response of acknowledgement if they've only been giving non-verbal cues which I miss. This way it hopefully puts it in their mind that I may say the wrong word, or not phrase it right, and think it's important that they understand me. Conversations can take longer for me sometimes because I'll go back and forth with someone figuring out the right thing to say or describe something before getting through it completely.

I don't know if this helps, but I hope it may be of some help with talking to your sister.

Maybe you should show her this post?

You were able to write down what you're feeling and why you are feeling this way. Maybe, because of your both being Aspie, when you try to verbalize it's not coming out right or she's not hearing exactly what you mean. Or both.

Showing her the post is a very good idea, and if you can't maybe write her a letter. Not even necessarily a mailed one, just write it all out and hand it to her, say you're going for coffee or whatever and for her to read it and think about it and you will discuss it when you get back. Stay gone an hour or so, and come back when you're both aware of how you feel and have had a little time to think on it past the initial freak-out. It has to be hard on her too, knowing that something this big is going on in her life and thinking that someone as close to her as you obviously are isn't accepting it. You both need this.

Thanks so much for all the advice, everyone. I did as suggested and showed my sister the post, and she said that she loved me and hugged me. Which I strongly appreciated. I feel a lot better now. She also said that our relationship is never allowed to diminish, which made me happy. We have been each other's best friends and closest family - basically each others' everything - for years...if you ever watched Firefly, we compare ourselves to Simon and River (my current avatar), because we're so close and even though society may only see the more "normal seeming" of the two of us (me) as watching out for the other, in truth we look out for each other pretty equally and both have our strengths and weaknesses.

She also, btw, completely agreed with the advice about trying to minimize the freaking out in front of her. I'll work on cramming it back in my head. Now that I've had some time with her and she's reassured me, that should be easier.

And thanks for making me feel less weird for freaking out about this, everyone. Since I'm not actually a full Aspie with a label and everything, even though I struggle in a lot of the same areas (I score way closer on things to the typical score for Aspies than to the score for NTs on things), I'm held to full NT standards, which I'm definitely not and frequently can't live up to. It's nice to talk to people that understand how scary change can be and are as supportive and understanding as you all have been.