How to deal with the "why's" and the "how's&q

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Day in. Day out.

Alarm goes off for the 20th time on all three alarm clocks. Not time to wake up yet. 5:20am and the routine is set in motion once again. "Grab your clothes, start the shower, light a cigarette, wait for the water to get warm, take a shower, get dressed, look at the clock, drive to work."

The drive is not so bad. There's a lot of traffic sure but I at least don't have to deal with drivers face to face. Get to work and then the questions start. Someone says "good morning." How do I respond? Do I simply reply back with the same and worry that they think I'm off handedly dismissing them or do I say the first thing that comes to my mind and risk saying something bizarre and getting the familiar curious look. It's not a look that says "I want to know what you mean." It's the look that says "What the hell are you trying to say?"

I some how manage to get through the beginning of the day rituals and get settled. Other complications arise. "I need to ask you about something." (I don't know you) "What do you think about this?" (Your question just triggered one of my shutdowns so I'll be useless to you for about an hour or two) I walk up to a door and someone is on the other side. (Should I have held the door open for them? I didn't even acknowledge them. Are they going to think Im a jerk?)

Lunch time is not a fun time. At this point in my day I need to be by myself. This is always at odds with the group of coworkers who seem to so effortlessly talk about themselves, the problems they face, their hopes, their dreams and their fears without a care in the world. Hearing someone ask me to sit with them is almost always accompanied with dozens of ways that I've conjured up in my head about how it's not a good idea.

The day is almost over. I'm starting to relax if only a little bit. The "end of day" NT rituals don't seem to bother me as much but that doesn't mean I'm going to look someone in the eyes when they say, "I'll see you tomorrow."

Then I get home. No one there. No one to vent to after a bad day. No one to talk to after a good day. No stories from someone else about how their day went. No connection. No sense of belonging. No sound board to resonate off of. "Oh well." That justification seems to get me through another hour or two before I just go to sleep.

Day in. Day out. That's the way things seem to be going lately.

I want to delete everything I've just wrote. "Who wants to read this?" I'm thinking. I've felt that the need to write so why stop now?

I recognize that I need routines to sustain me. What's the end game of a routine that has only one player and no winners?

I look around a large empty room and realize how small it is. There is a void there I can't seem to be able to fill. Most people would see space to expand: creatively, emotionally and spiritually. All I can see is a ballon that hasn't been inflated yet. So much time I spent trying to convince myself that my time is best spent alone because I need the "me" time. That's easy for me to say since that's the only option I'm left with.

I don't know where I'm going with this. It's probably just me ranting like a loon. On the chance that I'm not though, I'm fairly sure that AS is the "why". The answer I'm looking for, and I'm sure it's not a simple one, is the "how" of how to push forward.

Is there anyone out there in the wilderness that has gotten lost deep in the woods and found their way back to the trail? Is so can I get some directions?

I was 20 years in a drug haze and found my way back about 2 years ago. I'm sure that's not what you mean; nevertheless, I can relate to your loneliness and pain and the angst of being caught in a place you don't want to be. I'm free now but the loneliness and pain lingers. Yes, indeed. How does one escape this morass of lost hope?

i am an emotional aspie, so my logical aspie brothers look at me like i have 3 heads. so i can sorta dig how the OP feels disconnected and out of place. the OP should realize he is far from the only one and that i hope he finds some [cold] comfort on the forums here on WP.

This is just my own opinion, but from my experiences the way out is thru NT-land, not Aspieland. In other words it is by integrating yourself into the NT world and not over-indulging your Aspie inclinations. Aspie indulgences (solitary time, not talking, etc,) have to be a treat you give to yourself in moderation.

Its like living in Slovenia and refusing to speak Slovenian (or whatever they speak there) and only speaking English. If you do that of course you will be an outsider and isolated. Aspies are not another species, but just another kind of human. There is only one world and its overwhelmingly NT. An Aspie can suceed in the NT world. There are adjustments, handicaps, but nothing that dooms one to failure. Many Aspies have done just fine. Don't be ashamed of what you are that you had no choice about.

Finding a partner means caring about something other then yourself enough to live with them, not next to them in your own world. Emerge and let the world in. Not foolishly, but in a give and take, Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Brush them off as normal, because they are.

expecting at least some of us moderate-functioning aspies to "exit through NT land" is akin to expecting a cat to figure out how to use a doorknob to let itself in and out. NT land might as well be in another dimension that is visible but not quite amenable to interaction.

I know the feeling. Cerberus feeling!



Top post. That's the external world. And, do you know what, everyone speaks a different language to each other in at least a slightly different way. Not saying it's always easy to 'be a part of'. Perhaps OP is just too honest with himself, compared to others?

OP, you will find a way, but maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow.

This is all very close to the source of all of the conflicts that are raging in my mind right now.

redrobin62: My co-morbid inclinations have led me to drink every day for years. My rational mind doesn't seem to be able to process my emotions in any kind logical way so it seems that all I've been left with is to drink and switch it off.

Toy_Soldier: It does seem to be a way out. I've tried to exploring that approach. The results don't seem to last that long though. You can survive in outer space with out protection but that doesn't last that long either.

auntblabby: Me surviving in the NT world has always left me with a feeling of just going through the motions. Or, possibly more accurately, playing a part in a movie. Every gesture motioned and every word uttered knowing that they didn't come naturally. They all came with as much of the careful consideration that I could manage in the few seconds that I was given between an NT stimulus and my aspie response.

octobertiger: "External world" External meaning you have to connect with it before it has any meaning.

I'm not trying to be a doom-bringer here. I'm not expressing a defeatist attitude. At least I hope that's not how people are interpreting it. I have a habit of feeling the way I do right now but not expressing externally. I just needed to vent before I exploded again. Thank you to all that replied. 5 years ago I didn't even know what Asperger's was. 2 years ago after close friends of mine learned of it and suggested that it could be an explanation of why I am the way I am and I off-handedly dismissed it as some sort of joke at my expense. 1 year ago, as my life seemed to be falling apart again, I started to entertain the idea that being on the spectrum was a very real possibility.

Over the last year I've made a real effort in trying to live my life through an "autistic filter" meaning that instead of asking myself, "why the hell did I just do/say that?" to, "that's why I've said/done things in the past."

I'm 32 and I think I can finally feel like I'm starting to evolve. Lately I'm finding that part of that process is realizing that there are highs and lows. I've been in one of the lows lately so thank you again to the people who responded but I also want thank the community that exists here. I don't know you yet but thank you for steering me away from the low and pointing me back towards the high. It might be baby steps but every little bit helps.

Long story short (too late), that you all for helping me realize that I'm not alone.